Hi Everyone - I do believe in food addiction. I have it. I am as addicted to sugar as a cocaine addict is addicted to cocaine or an alcoholic to Alcohol. And I am a member of Overeaters Anonymous. (It is a world wide organization.) I have literally analyzed my food habits inside and out and I have found I am triggered by certain things like coupons, recipes and food ads. I can not look at any of these things. I also have to avoid certain aisles in the grocery store or certain departments like the bakery. My earliest memory is from when I was 3 years old and my Dad was raging - he was bi-polar - and he was demanding I finish everything on my plate. I remember being very afraid of him - for good reason - and he sent me to my room for not eating my dinner. Later that night I got up and was pulling things out of the trash to eat because I couldn't reach anything else and my Mom heard me. She found me eating out of the trash can. She felt so sorry for me she got me a vanilla iced cupcake and gave it to me with these words: "Mama loves you honey....take this and go and hide in your closet in case Daddy gets up...we'll both get in trouble...so eat it in secret and remember Mama loves you and you didn't do anything wrong by not eating your food....it's all okay...now run and hide..." and from that moment I craved sugar. Sugar gave me love, and made me feel worthy. And that is when I started eating in my closet. I continued this hiding and eating until I was in my 20s. Even when I lived in an apartment alone I ate in my closet and hid food. Today I STILL hide food when I am in a binge - even though I am a widow and live alone. It is crazy how emotional food and food behaviors make me! I attempted suicide 4 times because of the shame of my weight and the shame I felt because of my Dad telling me "He did not want a fat daughter". I was not good enough. Not worthy of love. Not worthy to be called a daughter. I knew this from a very very early age. I also began cutting when I was 12 and self abusing in other ways. I've poured hot oil on my arms etc. All because the self loathing was too much to bear. No one should hate themselves that much! So OA has helped me in all these areas. I know my father was a sick man with his own demons. I know I do not have to carry the past with me forever. And I know that I am a good person and a good Mom and I deserve to be loved. I've learned to let go of so much pain. And even though my food addiction is still a part of me it is much better and I am learning moderation and a sense of joy in the small changes I am making. And I have the support of my sponsor and my fellows in program. They have my back. And this upcoming surgery - probably in July since I am in the process of redoing my trust for my special needs son -- is going to give me a new life - as long as I continue to work at it and walk on the right side of the street. I want a different life than I had the first 2/3s of my life. I'm 66 and I want the last part of my life to be different. Fuller, healthier, more active, etc. But OA gave me the tools and support I needed to face my demons. I am so grateful to that organization. Peace & Joy everyone!
