It' a "never-ending" challenge

[Letrell]

Opening up with deep feelings is difficult for me...emotions equal weakness in my world. So I am really stepping out on dangerous ice bringing this up... My feelings on the past 3 years of my life.

I had to have the surgery...no real option for me other than a 5 year life-expectancy. I couldn't accept that. So here I am sitting at 120 lbs - down from 319.5. Silly to nickpick but I've lost 199.5lbs. Sometimes I wonder if it was worth it. I hate taking 7 vitamins + fiber + liquid potassium several times a day. I hate that eating lettuce and 5 mins later I'm hurting and have to lay down. I hate hearing I'm borderline malnutritioned. I hate it so much when doctor's say..."this is what you need to do" when doing just what they said to the letter has made me so thin.

I hate that sometimes I just want a bite of steak or a pancake without feeling all clammy and ill and like I want to pass out.

I am so sick of dumping. I am so tired of men looking at me like I dont know what they want...like they think I WANT their attention.

I love being small but guess what? Ever try to find cute clothes for a 50 year old in a size 4?
It's as difficult as finding 3X.

I am scared to death of the impending tummy tuck and bat wing removal.

I want to just be me quietly in the background. I want to live to see my kids in college and the military.

Is it really so bad sometimes...not a whole lot but just every once in a while to just be alone and cry?

I wish those without our weight challenges could understand...ya know?

But I suppose those are two of the most used words in the human vocabulary... "I wish".

Just my thoughts today because sometimes it's just so hard.

Wishing all the best.

 

[NanaG67]

Hi, I'm sorry to hear that you are going through such a horrible time right now. I can't say that I totally understand, as I haven't had the surgery yet, I'm probably about 2 months away or so. I do know that others who are not like us don't understand. They don't know what we go through to try and lose weight, or even to find something that won't make our blood sugar go through the roof. I had a talk with my daughter today, she loves food, and can't give it up. I love food too, but I love life more, and I want to see my grandkids grow up. So, I do know how you feel. I posted this morning on the relationship troubles forum, and I was having an anxiety attack while I was writing, not so much because I was writing, but how I was feeling to make me write. We are all here for you, anytime you need us. You can private message us if you need to talk, or just vent on the posts. We do understand what you are going through.

 

[hmboucher64]

Letrell, sorry to hear your feeling so down today , but happy you felt this was a safe place to do it. I have just started my journey so i'm not sure exactly what your feeling. Does going to post op meetings help you at all? I think sometimes we just need to get things off our chests. Hope things will look up in the future
Heather

 

[Letrell]

Thank you to both of you for your comments. I was mentally having a horrible time of it. I still feel the same way but it's here to stay and I am smiling again. Just "wish" (lol) I could gain weight. But then...to gain, one must eat. At least I'm smiling as I type it. It all works out and considering the alternative, I like who I have become.

 

[Bigtallsis]

Letrell

hi how's everything today? rainy & cloudy here today and suppose to be this way for another 4 days, yuck.....
You mentioned in your post, you have to eat to gain weight, yes I agree but curious are you still doing liquid shakes and no food? I haven't had my surgery yet but getting closer each day, but curious how you are feeling and curious what kind of journey I too will face once the surgery takes place(hopefully in May).
I pray your day is going well for you.
Donna

 

[Myfuturelooksbright]

I haven't had surgery but I also know what could or couldn't happen from surgery...It makes me scared and excited. We come to this point in life to live or die early because of our health. I have thought so many times it would be just easiser stay the way I am but something inside tells me different. You said something really important and that is you want to see your kids in college and the military. And they need you too... You are a strong person to come this far and make the changes you have but don't give up on your happiness. We are all here to help each other so, feel you can always express what you need to if it helps you.
I hope you feel better soon...Oh I'm in my 50's too

Take Care
Joanne