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My husband hates my new body, not attracted to me

L

lortiz25

Member
Although Im grateful for having the surgery last year in June, I must say my husband hates that I went though with it. Since the surgery, my main focus was living a healtheir lifestyle through diet and excercise. He hated that I was no longer buying salty and sweet snacks and replaced it with healthy snacks like nuts and cheese sticks, etc. He resents me for putting all of my effort in my weight loss. Which looking back I did put myself first. I was commited to being healthy, as Ive been unhealthy for 16 years. I thought he was always supportive, but he moved out a month ago, and now he tells me that he can't look at me and be attracted to me. That I have changed so much in the past year emotionally and physically that he can't get used to the way we eat together and my appearance turns him off. Since the surgery, we have only been intimate 3 times. Yes Ive lost 90+ lbs which is the skinnest ive ever been in my life. Ive lost more than what I wanted, and for last 6 months Ive been increasing my calorie intake to try and gain 10-15lbs. My original goal weight was 140, but now I will be happy at 125-130. Today im 114, and I see bones, I don't like it. And of course my husband doesn't like it. He says although im off the meds and is considered healthy, he looks at me and says I look sick with an eating disorder and has been on me for just eating more. I can't eat more. I force myself to be able to eat 1500 calories a day. I just can't force myself to eat more. You all know its impossible, the food just comes back up.

Im hurt that he told me he is not attracted to me, cuz I don't want to be at 140 again just for him. So how does everyone elses partner deal with their drastic weight loss. For 9 years my husband was in love with a thick woman, now im skinny, he hates it!

I know im not the only one dealing with this. Id like to hear your story.
 
I am so sorry to read this. I'm not sure what to say. I have to think about this one. But, I wanted you know that my heart aches, that you are going through this. Hugs
 
I dont think your husband "problem" has anything to do with your new body. It sounds to me that he cant accept the fact that you have changed your habits and lifestyle. He likes the "old" you because everything about you and your lives together was comfortable and secure for him. Now you have upset the status quo and he is unable or unwilling to change with you. Is he overweight? If so, he may feel left behind and isnt ready to make healthy changes that you have and therefore resents the fact that you did. It may be causing him some guilt. He is having a hard time coping with the changes in both your lives and longs for "the old days". You are forcing him out of his comfort zone and he is fighting back. Maybe he could talk with a therapist about his feelings toward you. He sounds very angry and is lashing out at you. You have done so very well, you have alot to be proud of and your body is just one of those things. Congratulations on your weight loss. I will keep you both in my prayers.
 
Yes he is overweight too, could lose 15-20lbs to be healthier. I was definetly bigger than him. yes you are right he does miss our old lifestyle of just relaxing on couch watching movies and eating at differnent restaurants til we put ourself in food comas. That was our thing every weekend for the 8 years of our relationship before surgery. So yes lots have changed and I tried to suggest walking the dog with me instead of hours in front of the tv, but simple things like that he would not be interested in, and then I would get mad at him for not trying to change up his lifestlyle by eating better and excercise. I wasn't pushy, but he will say I was, he doesn't feel that he needs to lose any weight, hes comfortable the way he is. Being Bi-polar doesn't help our relationship either...I just feel between my mental health and my physical health, he always told me to focus on my mental health first. I chose my physical health first. I know there should be a balance, but I put 100% into making myself healthy and when I seen the results and not having to take medicine anymore, it just made me feel better about myself which helped me out with my self esteem and depression. We did marriage therapy and individual therapy 3 months after surgery cuz he was feeling like i was putting all my time on me only and not paying attention to our marriage. He wanted to divorce me, therapist suggested seperation but we tried to make it work. One year later, he is more miserable and wishes he would have left me a year ago. he is so confused and doesn't know what he wants, hes not even thinking about us, he is just focusing on trying to let go of his anger torwards me. He is very angry, and like i said now he says he thinks he will never forgive me for having the surgery. I just reminded him a few days ago that the surgery literally gave me back my quality of life, and for that we should be grateful. After being sick for 16 years and on so many different meds and sleep apnea, and to know that with this tool, diet and excercise that after 6 months of hard work I was considered healthy. this has been so worth it. I have no regrets. I just hope my husband can come around and forgive me and realize that having the surgery was a blessing to make me healthy.
 
Lortiz, as I read your postings, I want to cry...for you. NOT for him.

I'm not going to go off on you or on him; I will simply state my opinion here.

At 320 lbs, my husband wanted me to look better and be healthier. I had the surgery. I'm 3.5 yrs out and weigh in at a hefty 118 lbs. In that first year, I changed. I gained confidence and stability. I became attractive, physically to other men. I realized that I have great value. I AM SOMEONE. That said, I'm about to turn 55, so I can safely say I've been around long enough to have learned a basic AND TRUE fact that probably every man who reads this will deny...because, well...they are men. Men are selfish. It's all about them and heaven help the woman that says they need to lose weight or they are not perfect. Don't get me wrong, I love men. But the fact is, men see themselves differently than they truly are. Granted not all men...but I'll safely bet at least 95% of them do.

Your husband is so typical. He wants your attention. How dare you think of you first. What about him? What about his needs...Pfffttt. When men start whining about their wives I simply tell them to bite me.

You have nothing to be forgiven for so stop that talk! He should be on his knees begging for YOUR forgiveness. Your mental well-being can't be fixed if you as physically ill. You have fixed the physical and you have a huge struggle before you to try to gain some weight back. Now THAT I understand. Because I too have to gain weight back. In the meantime, be thankful for long sleeves and nice jeans...they cover up tiny arms and legs! LOL.

Please stop beating yourself up about it. You can't change your husband. Only HE can do that. But you can choose to let him control you and your feelings about yourself. To that I say simply...stop it! You did an amazing thing. Don't you forget that.

I'm no marriage coach so I won't even go there. But I do know what you are going through because I am living it. And I will reiterate...STOP IT! Go look at yourself in the mirror and try to see what you were. And smile when you do, cuz if you are like me...you won't be able to see it. The old you is gone forever. This is you now. You become what you want to be! Don't let anyone make you feel guilty or feel like you owe apologies. I'll be really pissed if I hear you asked for forgiveness....I mean really, really pissed.

Be strong and hang in there. Remember the caterpillar. She woke up one day and found she was a butterfly. That's you, Darlin. Welcome to a new world!

Be safe and love life!

Letrell
 
Your husband needs to GROW UP, he is acting like a small child! He is jealous of your surgery and the time it took you to take control of your life! He possibly feels out of control of his life, possibly felt with you being "thick" that no one else would give you a look and now is worried. He married you for better or for worse and had you for worse for a while and now that you are "better" he leaves you. HE NEEDS HELP!!! What a foolish person he is to leave when you are so healthy and fit!!! He could have had the time of his life, you deserve better.
 
Well, I am not married but, it sounds to me like he is trying to get you to gain your weight back. Maybehe is jealous ot immature. You need to stay on task and if he does accept you, tell him your weight might not be the only thing you get rid of,
 
Between me getting diagnosed bi-polar two years ago, then having the surgery 6 months later, he says I have changed so much physically and mentally, that he just doesn't look at me the same at all. That he has lost the person he fell in love with. Now that im physically healthy, Ive been really focused on my mental health and just want to focus on my anger management. Have to say, since the talk of seperation two months ago, I have not been angry with rage. Yes, Ive been sad, and of course losing weight that I don't need to lose, but I come home not walking on eggshells. I did remind my husband two weeks ago that the surgery was not meant to be this skinny, but to make me healthy, which I am and that is a blessing. I reminded him how sick I was with taking all these meds and how it just hurt to walk. I texted him this reminder, but of course no response. I just miss him, but Im preparing myself that he is not coming back because he is not attracted to me and he is done with living with bi-polar. He tried his best, but he's had enough. he is just so angry with me, and like I said, he told me he will never forgive me for having the surgery when he asked me to wait a year and I didn't respect his wishes.

What's done is done, I can't erase the past. I can only move forward. I just wish we can reconnect and just start a new life together with a healthy relationship. This is what I want, but he's not even thinking about "us", he doesn't even miss me and we haven't lived with eachother for over a month. Truth hurts.
 
Loritz-You have friends here in the forum to lean on. I know it's not the same as the relationship you had with your husband but don't feel like you have to walk the path alone.
 
Hi Loritz, It sounds like you really care for him, but you must remember he left you and you can not change that. Being sad over the situation is perfectly normal emotion when a person loses a loved one but you can not keep blaming yourself for his actions and feelings, he needs to work through them, I can't say why he would be acting the way he is but I do know there is nothing you can do to change it, so please stop beating yourself up over it and just keep taking care of yourself. Hang in there and remember there is great support network here to vent to. :cool: Tom
 
Hi Loritz,

I cannot understand your husband at all, he is being selfish. If my situation were reversed and it was my wife that is going through WLS, I would be her biggest cheerleader. The only thing I can think of is that he felt like you needed him before the surgery and now you don't really "need" him in the same way. That in no way would excuse his behavior or attitude. I think what you've done is incredible and you should be proud of yourself. Good luck and keep us posted, we're here for you.
 
lortiz25,
I am so sorry to hear about your husband not accepting you for you. Sounds like he isn't the best for you anyway. Maybe get counselling for you and work through these issues. If he still decides to stay gone and not work through this with you then let him fly away! New relationships will come your way and what if you find someone that will accept you for you and love you the way you are! You win! You'll have your health and happiness then. You never mentioned if you have kids which would make this separation a bit more diffulcult. I hope you can find some happiness in the days to come. Keep your head up and know that you did this to feel better for yourself. Take care please! Michele
 
You say you miss him and you also say you were walking on egg shells. WHY did he want you to wait a YEAR for your surgery? So you would get heavier? PLEASE let this man go, yes it will hurt but he sounds very selfish and it is not your bipolar he is leaving, it is your health, YOU are now healthy and if you ask me, HE is not and he is jealous but for whatever reason he has, you do not need that in your life!!! Sorry this is happening to you but for the best by the sounds of it!
 
Hi my name is Renie and i havent had my surgery yet , but my fiance is attracted to bigger woman , and i afraid he will not be attracted to me after the surgery and weight loss too. i go to a support group and a gentleman there told me he was with his wife since he was 17 and after he lost all hid weight he says she isnt attracted to him anymore either .i think it is very sad , he said he talked to his surgeon about this issue and he told him this is very common :-( sorry to hear about your troubles .hugggs
 
yeah I watch a show on discovery where a man was jealous because the woman could do things for herself. There marriage was not going so well. Well go to school and become a nurse mister and take care of all the people you want. This is not okay. He has issues. You need to be strong and stand your ground. He does not apprteciate you or he would not do things like this.
 
Hi Lortiz,
I am so very sorry to read about your situation and I just wanted to give my opinion. I may be wrong but it sounds to me like he is angry because before your surgery you probably made everything about him and pleasing him, plus size girls have a way of doing that with men cause we dont feel worthy. Well, after your surgery all your focus was on yourself and he didnt like that. You deserve to care about yourself enough to do that surgery and get healthier. How selfish of him to want you overweight and unhealthy! I know when you love someone it dont matter what other people say but you deserve better for yourself. I wish you nothing but the best. Take care of yourself.
 
Never ever change what you believe and know is right for your own sake. This is a very controlling man and so selfish. I am sorry that he is putting you through all this. Yes, go forward. I have changed since Oct 22nd 2012. The day I walked out of the hospital and everyday after I am on a path to freedom, health, happiness and love of who I am and am becoming.And no one can take that from me. No one can take that from you either, you have changed we all do. Be strong and even if it hurts rfealize he is only out for himself. I have read other post sweetie, no one is going to say this is okay. He needed to leave you so you can have some peace & stay on task. Don't let ANYONE get in your way. You can do this, look in the mirror and tell yourself I am strong and I will make it. You will be just fine. If he argues or calls you don't talk to him. He has went as far as to move out. Hello, he want you to be a puppet. You never went through WLS to be a puppet. You went to rediscover yourself. And he does not like that. But please stick to your guns. And do what you know is best for you.
 
.
Dear lortiz,

You say your husband was "in love with a thick woman." Was he in love with you? Or with your body.

This man left you long before he walked out the door. It's true.

If he cannot be happy for you and your commitment to lead a healthier life, he doesn't love you. And if he doesn't love you, why would you want him around? You don't!

You will miss him. You will hurt. And you will go on to live a full and joyful life. Without him, this man who does not love you.

Be well. Be healthy. Live!

Hugs.
 
lortiz25 said:
Although Im grateful for having the surgery last year in June, I must say my husband hates that I went though with it. Since the surgery, my main focus was living a healtheir lifestyle through diet and excercise. He hated that I was no longer buying salty and sweet snacks and replaced it with healthy snacks like nuts and cheese sticks, etc. He resents me for putting all of my effort in my weight loss. Which looking back I did put myself first. I was commited to being healthy, as Ive been unhealthy for 16 years. I thought he was always supportive, but he moved out a month ago, and now he tells me that he can't look at me and be attracted to me. That I have changed so much in the past year emotionally and physically that he can't get used to the way we eat together and my appearance turns him off. Since the surgery, we have only been intimate 3 times. Yes Ive lost 90+ lbs which is the skinnest ive ever been in my life. Ive lost more than what I wanted, and for last 6 months Ive been increasing my calorie intake to try and gain 10-15lbs. My original goal weight was 140, but now I will be happy at 125-130. Today im 114, and I see bones, I don't like it. And of course my husband doesn't like it. He says although im off the meds and is considered healthy, he looks at me and says I look sick with an eating disorder and has been on me for just eating more. I can't eat more. I force myself to be able to eat 1500 calories a day. I just can't force myself to eat more. You all know its impossible, the food just comes back up.

Im hurt that he told me he is not attracted to me, cuz I don't want to be at 140 again just for him. So how does everyone elses partner deal with their drastic weight loss. For 9 years my husband was in love with a thick woman, now im skinny, he hates it!

I know im not the only one dealing with this. Id like to hear your story.
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Hi there, I am the husband of a bariatric patient. I 100% supported her journey and also made any and all changes needed within our household. There seem to be a lot of comments saying your husband is insecure and being mean. Truthfully, I think he may have some feelings he isn’t able to convey in a constructive way. There’s a lot that goes into these feelings and it’s almost impossible for anyone to diagnose why he’s this way, but coming from another husband I can say this journey has been difficult for me even though I fully support my wife’s journey. I’ve always been a more fit/thicc/muscular guy. I started dating my wife when she was a thicc girl, I married her being a thicc girl, I was fully and SO attracted to her thickness. I loved every inch of her body. I couldn’t have anticipated that I wouldn’t find her attractive after her surgery. In my support for her I forgot to be mindful of my feelings as well because I just focused on her happiness… sadly, I wish I would have paid some attention to my feelings about it as well. Today my wife has lost 60+ pounds, she’s still beautiful, I still love her, I still was to spend my life with her… but I’m no longer sexually attracted to her and it breaks my heart. I have photos and videos of my wife nude before her surgery that I’ve accumulated over the last 9 years and I’m very happy I kept them. I can go back and look at what her body used to look like and feel sexually satisfied. My wife doesn’t know how I feel about this because I don’t want to break her heart. I want to tell her, but I have no idea. In observing your comment I think your husband might be hurting a bit in his heart because he’s morning the loss of the woman he started dating, morning the loss of the woman he married and he had no idea how it would make him feel. It seems he doesn’t know how to navigate the new you and he’s struggling. There’s a chance he may feel like he isn’t worth being with anymore, like you’ve moved on from the love you had for him because you’ve chosen your surgery over him (not the truth, but sometimes feelings don’t have a truth) the only thing I can recommend is trying to make him feel love, make him feel more love than he’s ever felt. Give him grace and time to morn the loss of what you were so that he can fall in love with the woman you are. I’m very sorry you’re going through this
 
Thank you for sharing your experiences so broadly. This is a real eye-opener, although there have always been chubby chasers and both men and women who love the snuggle in the the folds of skin. There are many reasons why being chubby or fat can be appealing, and historically, there were very few skinny women painted in the Renaissance, which many people agree was the most sensual period in art. Even the kings of England dressed in ermine jackets and finely shaved goatees strutted around like peacocks because they were obese.

But mostly they died young, of heart disease and comorbidities of obesity. It was a horror show.

The polar opposite of course was Twiggy, at 90 pounds, about 10 of which were in her false eyelashes and gobs of mascara.

Your mate has made a choice because she senses some health problems and doesn't want the restrictions of being too fat to run, painful hips, knees and ankles, fatty heart and a body she perceives as unattractive looking back at her from the mirror. She wants to be able to wrap a towel around her torso.

Your feelings about yourself are completely valid. But your feelings about your wife's "betrayal" of you are not.

You liken this dynamic to grieving. You want time to mourn. Go ahead. But it's your problem, not hers, and best worked out with a therapist. Let her alone. She deserves her joy. Imagine, if you feel this bad, your wife problably felt five times worse AND she was in many, many health dangers. She sees women around her with pretty clothes. She sees the attention they get from men. It's not her fault most men like women who are built like brick houses with fine attention to detail.

Look, she's fine. Let her have her joy. Then go look for your own. Seriously, get help. There are undoubtedly support group for men who feel like you, but if you can get to one, go into group therapy. I can't offer you any solution. After I lost my weight, I hiked 6000 foot peaks in the North Cascades. I looked down on green lakes with sequins of bright reflection. I slept on the ground in my sleeping bag where my salty fingers were nibbled on by a deer. I deserved all these things and more. I deserved the spandex I wore. I deserved the attention I got from men. But my boyfriend wanted me a little cuddlier and he withdrew from me. Then, he just broke my heart. I had no idea he liked me chubby.

Attraction is just one thing, one part of a thing. Your wife deserves better from you than the self-pity you're showing. I hope you will realize this is YOUR problem, not hers, and take the responsibility of fixing it. I look at couples all the time and am stymied by how one is so beautiful and one is so homely, yet they are together. They found something else, beyond mere physical attraction, that bound them together, devoted and faithful.

I hear you and sympathize. It's so brave of you to recognize your flaw. I hope you and she can find a new shared love based on that which is within, not without. And maybe you could buy her one of those Hollywood fat suits and play dress-up once in a while. There are a lot of things you can stuff into a bra and panties, and layers of clothes in cold weather make snuggling even nicer.

Thank you for your honesty. I hope you'll be able to see this honestly and find a way to make it a good thing. There's a lot of wisdom out there about putting someone else's need before your own. Revel in her joy. Hug more. Remember the old days and keep those photos around for your own pleasure. Those are frozen moments of joy in your memory.
 
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