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Someone doesn't like you

dianeseattle

dianeseattle

Member
What do you do when someone obviously doesn't like you or what you think, so they find all kinds of ways to insult or attack or disprove what you're saying? There are probably a dozen people here who really don't like me and instead of telling me or ignoring me, they write insulting posts about what I share. It's no big deal. It's very representative of life itself. I know there are many people I cannot stand, mostly public figures.

But I find that arguing with them or trying to show them up publicly always backfires. Like the old saying, "I'm rubber, you're glue, everything you throw at me bounces off and sticks to you."

I think it's completely normal to dislike someone, just as it's normal to like or love someone. What is abnormal is when it happens in a SUPPORT group. People should do everything they can to offer encouragement and hope to people who come here seeking it.

When someone subtly insults or criticize me in this group, it makes me sad, not because it's true, but because they lack the discretion to say it to me directly and privately.

Actually, there is less of that kind of stuff going on here than in any other group I've ever been part of. You've heard of "flame wars." For some reason, being able to criticize someone from thousands of miles away emboldens people to say mean things they wouldn't dare say in person.

I also realize, when someone is insulting here, that's just an indicator that they have the same kind of problem at home, and it contributes to the successes and failures they experience after WLS.

This remains the very best group I've ever joined on the Internet. We have such a broad base of members, from newcomers who are thinking about having surgery to oldtimers who don't even think about life before surgery anymore.

If I haven't said it to you directly, allow me to say it now. I enjoy your posts so much. I literally read this group before I read my email. And I also love it when someone disagrees with me. We're all unique, and I think that's where the breadth of wisdom comes from here.

Thank you all for participating in this group. If you're new, I hope you'll feel safe to speak out, because you ARE safe here.
 
I think anytime someone feels threatened, or rather their precepts or understandings are challenged by different information, people become defensive, and when our brains go on the defense our communication skills go down the tubes sometimes. Like any form of non face-to-face communication so much can be lost without facial expression and voice inflection, (an emoji can only say so much ). A wonderful thing I have found in the short time I’ve been a member of this group has been the openness between members to share differing opinions and personal experiences without feeling shamed. I mean, shame is a big part of what fueled many of our struggles and remains the proverbial monster under the bed.
You are right Dianne, people seem to say things behind a keyboard they may not otherwise say to someone’s face, and that’s not ok, but you handled it with grace and poise and I admire that, ALOT. You have a tremendous amount of knowledge that is an asset to newbies like me. I have never been a part of an online support group before, and I really do appreciate this. There are always going to be people who don’t like us and we won’t know why.
My fun-mutt and fur-child, Harrison (aka the chubby bear) has shown me this in its most ‘primal’ form. There is a husky that lives in our development, he’s never met this dog, yet whenever this particular dog goes by Harrison just hates it. Looking out the window, hackles up, growling… it’s literally just that dog. He plays with other huskies and has never been like that to anyone else. But there must be something he smells or senses under the surface that he just doesn’t like. But then when the husky passes, all is right.
Sometimes the reason isn’t clear why people rub us the wrong way, but we must remember we aren’t animals, and we can choose to react in love and support, even if we don’t get that reciprocated. I can’t imagine why someone might say mean things to you or anyone else, I hope you know how valued you are Dianne, I appreciate your posts so much.
 
Christy0829 said:
I think anytime someone feels threatened, or rather their precepts or understandings are challenged by different information, people become defensive, and when our brains go on the defense our communication skills go down the tubes sometimes. Like any form of non face-to-face communication so much can be lost without facial expression and voice inflection, (an emoji can only say so much ).
Click to expand...

You are so right, Christy. And before the advent of digital communication, people HAD to speak directly to other people. That's a two-pronged blessing because 1) making direct contact means it's a two-sided conversation, and people will think twice before engaging in a scenario like that, and 2) time can pass and opinions can change their minds about what they're thinking.

Still, this is a great group and people come here and they're so vulnerable. Facing or experiencing surgery is a huge thing and very few people can understand it except the others who've had the experience. Virtually every post someone makes here describes a feeling or emotion I've also had, and I will reach out based on the similarities I share with them. Sometimes, I screw up and say the wrong thing, and then I remember that even if we shared the experience of having WLS, we all live in environments that are much different from each other.

I have a photo that has a magical effect on me. It shows a rainbow of emotion I had the second time I went off in a canoe on a lake. My boyfriend at the time helped me get in and reminded me how to manipulate the paddle to turn and slow down and speed up and deal with big waves, etc. Then he just pushed the boat into the water with me in it, before I even had the chance to hold the paddle. At that moment, instead of doing what I was supposed to do, I turned slightly and looked back at him in disbelief. But he wasn't wrong. He had faith in me even though I didn't. If he hadn't pushed me in, I might have sat there on the edge of the water, voicing all my fears instead of assessing my tools and the surface of the water and everything that might happen next. That is a very apt analogy for my surgery journey. I didn't know what would happen during surgery or how life would be after. But my surgeon pushed me into the fear because he knew I'd figure it out, because you HAVE to figure it out.

I'm so grateful he did. And as I said earlier, I'm so grateful for this group. Without a doubt, this is in my top ten important events of my life, and a daily reason to be grateful. It changed my life forever, and for better.

5558
 
Fortunately for us, it's not necessary for members to like each other (that damn Bill S. sucked me in and now I can't stand it if we don't talk every week about movies and music and Disneyland ;)!) My mission here is to learn and help and lend support to everyone (even that damn Bill S.!) We're actually in two groups together!

Seriously, many people have come and gone and many are still here who I not only like, but who offer great information, whether at the beginning of their journey or post-op and trying to maintain. But this group is also fun, and the long-tenured members who've stuck around for the 12 years I've been here have literally saved my life many times. Once in a while there's a downer who pops up, but I just put him/her on Ignore so I don't have to read what they might say about other members.

That's why this group is so great. I don't belong to any other support groups because there's so much wisdom and support and love here. And our archives are amazing! I'm forever grateful. And it's absolutely okay with me if some members don't like me. I just hope they like the group!

{{{Roni}}}!
 
Christy0829 said:
I think anytime someone feels threatened, or rather their precepts or understandings are challenged by different information, people become defensive, and when our brains go on the defense our communication skills go down the tubes sometimes. Like any form of non face-to-face communication so much can be lost without facial expression and voice inflection, (an emoji can only say so much ). A wonderful thing I have found in the short time I’ve been a member of this group has been the openness between members to share differing opinions and personal experiences without feeling shamed. I mean, shame is a big part of what fueled many of our struggles and remains the proverbial monster under the bed.
You are right Dianne, people seem to say things behind a keyboard they may not otherwise say to someone’s face, and that’s not ok, but you handled it with grace and poise and I admire that, ALOT. You have a tremendous amount of knowledge that is an asset to newbies like me. I have never been a part of an online support group before, and I really do appreciate this. There are always going to be people who don’t like us and we won’t know why.
My fun-mutt and fur-child, Harrison (aka the chubby bear) has shown me this in its most ‘primal’ form. There is a husky that lives in our development, he’s never met this dog, yet whenever this particular dog goes by Harrison just hates it. Looking out the window, hackles up, growling… it’s literally just that dog. He plays with other huskies and has never been like that to anyone else. But there must be something he smells or senses under the surface that he just doesn’t like. But then when the husky passes, all is right.
Sometimes the reason isn’t clear why people rub us the wrong way, but we must remember we aren’t animals, and we can choose to react in love and support, even if we don’t get that reciprocated. I can’t imagine why someone might say mean things to you or anyone else, I hope you know how valued you are Dianne, I appreciate your posts so much.
Click to expand...
You're absolutely right, Christy. I'm not sure if this whole thing pertains to a certain individual or to multiple. I haven't been on here in a while. Maybe it pertains to me? Is my thinking that a sign of a guilty conscience? LOL :) If I have ever said anything to upset anyone, I apologize. My break from here was more about how I'm feeling emotionally. I struggle with anxiety, and while my meds have eased the intensity of it immensely, I can still find myself drawn into an anxiety loop when I am feeling vulnerable. I was feeling vulnerable on here, not because anyone was mean or shared an opinion, but more because I was feeling, I don't know, so uncertain, I guess? It's ridiculous, I know, but I stayed off of here because I needed to strengthen my trust with myself, my psychiatrist, and my surgery team when it came to the form of medication I take. Dianne "challenged" me to consider that the capsule form of medications may not be safe. She was being a caring person by "challenging" me on this so that I would be most informed and be well, I know. BUT, my anxious brain couldn't handle the questioning. I had checked with my surgery team and my psychiatrist REPEATEDLY to be sure. When Dianne suggested contacting the manufacturer and the docs may be going off what the sales reps of the meds say, that kinda "tipped me over the edge" of second guessing the knowledge of my doctors. I was not ready for that. In the end, I HAVE chosen to trust the wisdom of my doctors and pharmacist. I need to do that for me. I needed to stop that anxiety roller coaster. In my years of therapy and questioning the knowledge of my docs, one finally said to me (I'm paraphrasing), "in order for this to work, you need to put your trust in SOMEONE you believe is here to help you and trust their expertise enough to accept and get that help". Big deal for me. I have chosen to trust my psychiatrist and my surgery team as they know me so much more on both a physical and EMOTIONAL level. Does this make any sense? I just needed to put this out here. Dianne, ditto what Christy said above. Your knowledge is immensely helpful to us newbies and I value your opinion. I just needed to sort out that you were just trying to help rather than cause me to not trust my docs. I'll be 55 next month and I know that it probably appears that I was behaving as a teenager, but when it comes to my anxious brain, I needed to take that break and come back much more confident in my decisions. Thank you Christy and Dianne for posting this, even if it wasn't pertaining to me, as I could get back on here and talk about how I was feeling about a certain issue I was having. :)
 
I find the problem with online communication is lack of tone, inflection and body language. And I try to assume the best. That people are just sharing an opinion or their own personal experience. Just like in real life, some people are a bit too blunt. Some people are a bit too sensitive. A bit too combative. A bit too meek. The list goes on.

We're all here to share our experiences and learn what others have gone through before/after us. And as always, whatever ANY of us tell you, if your doctor tells you differently, follow their instructions. The surgery has changed a million times over and each surgeon does their own thing anyway.
 
I am so grateful for the ability to be raw and honest and REAL. It really IS hard when voice inflection and facial expression are removed from any conversation. I’ve found that depending on my own mood I might read something in the tone that reflects where I’m at at not the intention of what was written. We are all complex, unique, beautiful messes of humanity and we all deserve to be where we are at any given time. I’ve worked to learn to allow other people be whoever they are in their own existence without letting it effect me and who I am in my own. It may look to other people like I’m being naive, (some people have told me it makes me come off as ditzy), but it keeps my peace to assume the best of others and empathize different perspectives. Melba, you absolutely did not seem like you acted like a teenager. I think it takes A LOT of self reflection to process all you have! One of the greatest gifts I’ve gotten from the process of WLS has been the introspection that comes from taking away a coping mechanism (eating) and learning how to cope another way. At the end of the day it all boils down to choices. What we choose to eat, who we choose to trust, and who we choose to be. What an awesome thing that we also choose to ask questions, and choose to donate knowledge. Keep on keeping on!
love and light all around!
-Christy
 
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