dianeseattle
Member
So, I'm 70 years old, though I still have the manic energy of a much younger person. My voice is still reminiscent of a teen.
But I'm poor, with an income of $877 a month, no food stamps. The only federal benefit I get is Section 8 housing, but a third of my income goes to rent. I worked my ass off all my life and that's what the feds decide is all I deserve from MY SSI fund.
This shit adds to my depression and I spend a lot of time immobilized and isolating.
Seattle Housing does occasional inspections. They are required to notify us so we can prepare and be present.
A few days ago without notice, the inspector stopped by. I didn't even have underpants on, just a t-shirt. I had emailed about the uupcoming inspection, explaining I had been sick and needed a two-week window to get in shape. My lower back injury had made bending over and carrying things impossible. I wanted the time also so I could use the energy to purge. I was filling a donation box.
I told him I had ready contacted SHA, that I couldn't be inspected at this time. He said something rude and threatening and walked away.
He probably earns $45-50k per year.
I make less than $10k.
What's the ordeal, snoopy? Have I ruined your day?
I immediately got on the phone with my mental health worker. We hung up so she could make some bureaucratic calls.
She phoned back to tell me there was nothing she could do. This inspector had also been in a lot of places with COVID. I haven't even allowed my best friend or my son inside since COVID.
Am I paranoid? Who can say. NO ONE understands this pandemic, and I heard a new strain was just detected today.
I have the right to be afraid. A huge percentage of Americans still refuse to be vaccinated.
Anyway, I ran errands and visited the laundry today. I set off two bug bombs before I left, so I couldn't come home for 4 hours.
When I returned, there was a bottle of Purell on the chair outside my door. Once inside, I realized management had unlocked my door and allowed him in to inspect my home.
I can't tell you how humiliated I feel, and betrayed by everyone involved. I'm probably going to get a very bad letter, possibly terminating me from the program. I will be homeless.
How does this make any sense. I actually sobbed for the first time in a long time. This was SO WRONG. I've been raped, and this felt identical.
I began having long-managed suicidal urges. I considered going to the ER on the bus and allowing myself to be admitted. I've been in an emotional care facility to save my life five times in 30 years. It doesn't really help.
The roots of my self-destructive urges go back to my violently abusive childhood. It's an incurable disease but by recognizing the dynamic, I can choose living by getting professional support.
A big part of my capacity for joy was taken from me from the day I was born, by bad people who had no shame about beating a child, telling her she's ugly, stupid, worthless.
But this isn't a pity party. I've developed a strong inner parent and a happy inner child because my survival instinct was strong. I moved 150 miles away from my siblings in order to not be hurt by their denial. "Oh, you're making this up..." they'd say. They were in the fucking ROOM when it happened, they witnessed it, then they were also beaten.
It's too much for one life, but see, my soul is strong and NO ONE can kill it.
Except me.
That's why after being violated today I have been repairing the damage, always with an eye to believing in myself, and so much gratitude for this group. The horrors we've had to endure... and yet here we are, together, supporting each other, even arguing or opining and overlooking sometimes.
I truly love you all. I may not be able to share that one-on-one, but I do. I've been here for hours now, feeling your many embraces. This may only be a virtual group, but life would be hard, so hard, if we weren't here for each other.
But I'm poor, with an income of $877 a month, no food stamps. The only federal benefit I get is Section 8 housing, but a third of my income goes to rent. I worked my ass off all my life and that's what the feds decide is all I deserve from MY SSI fund.
This shit adds to my depression and I spend a lot of time immobilized and isolating.
Seattle Housing does occasional inspections. They are required to notify us so we can prepare and be present.
A few days ago without notice, the inspector stopped by. I didn't even have underpants on, just a t-shirt. I had emailed about the uupcoming inspection, explaining I had been sick and needed a two-week window to get in shape. My lower back injury had made bending over and carrying things impossible. I wanted the time also so I could use the energy to purge. I was filling a donation box.
I told him I had ready contacted SHA, that I couldn't be inspected at this time. He said something rude and threatening and walked away.
He probably earns $45-50k per year.
I make less than $10k.
What's the ordeal, snoopy? Have I ruined your day?
I immediately got on the phone with my mental health worker. We hung up so she could make some bureaucratic calls.
She phoned back to tell me there was nothing she could do. This inspector had also been in a lot of places with COVID. I haven't even allowed my best friend or my son inside since COVID.
Am I paranoid? Who can say. NO ONE understands this pandemic, and I heard a new strain was just detected today.
I have the right to be afraid. A huge percentage of Americans still refuse to be vaccinated.
Anyway, I ran errands and visited the laundry today. I set off two bug bombs before I left, so I couldn't come home for 4 hours.
When I returned, there was a bottle of Purell on the chair outside my door. Once inside, I realized management had unlocked my door and allowed him in to inspect my home.
I can't tell you how humiliated I feel, and betrayed by everyone involved. I'm probably going to get a very bad letter, possibly terminating me from the program. I will be homeless.
How does this make any sense. I actually sobbed for the first time in a long time. This was SO WRONG. I've been raped, and this felt identical.
I began having long-managed suicidal urges. I considered going to the ER on the bus and allowing myself to be admitted. I've been in an emotional care facility to save my life five times in 30 years. It doesn't really help.
The roots of my self-destructive urges go back to my violently abusive childhood. It's an incurable disease but by recognizing the dynamic, I can choose living by getting professional support.
A big part of my capacity for joy was taken from me from the day I was born, by bad people who had no shame about beating a child, telling her she's ugly, stupid, worthless.
But this isn't a pity party. I've developed a strong inner parent and a happy inner child because my survival instinct was strong. I moved 150 miles away from my siblings in order to not be hurt by their denial. "Oh, you're making this up..." they'd say. They were in the fucking ROOM when it happened, they witnessed it, then they were also beaten.
It's too much for one life, but see, my soul is strong and NO ONE can kill it.
Except me.
That's why after being violated today I have been repairing the damage, always with an eye to believing in myself, and so much gratitude for this group. The horrors we've had to endure... and yet here we are, together, supporting each other, even arguing or opining and overlooking sometimes.
I truly love you all. I may not be able to share that one-on-one, but I do. I've been here for hours now, feeling your many embraces. This may only be a virtual group, but life would be hard, so hard, if we weren't here for each other.
