Hi Barry, and welcome to your group. We want to offer you support and assistance, and the archives of posts are like Encyclopedia Bariatrica. There's very little (until recently) that hasnt been discussed here and very few problems we can't help solve.
To quote El:
It was awesome to savor every different bite, instead of inhaling 20 cookies and barely tasting them. The change in relationship to food is difficult to get used to, but you will be able to find joy in it again.
You're barely a month out and right now, there is a lot going on with you. I know it's hard, but try to relax and focus on the future. You will cook again. Your food will even be better because of the ways you find to cook it.
In the spirit of that actuality, check out my album of things I cook:
www.americanbariatrics.org
You will be depressed, and it's a genuine grief process you're going through. I suggest you honor it, spend some time crying if that's something you do, saying goodbye to your old pal Eating Disorder.
But I'd also suggest that you look behind the curtain. Your eating disorder is trying to get back in charge, as it has been for so long. This is a genuine psycho-pathology that a lot of people don't recognize except in bulimics and anorectics. There is such a bias against people who are obese and a lot of blame and shame from our society. But it's just as much a disease as those with names.
For now, you need to heal. Don't stuff the sadness down, let it out. But follow your diet to the letter so you can heal properly and lose weight. As that happens, your eating disorder will quiet down. Right now, you don't need to focus on foods you think you will never eat again. In all likelihood, you will return to a normal diet and will still love the foods you love now. But you won't be eating them in large quantities.
I'm 12 years out and I eat everything I want, including carbonated beverages with sugar in them. It works for me because I am so incredibly giddy about being thin. It doesn't work for everyone, but over time, you will discover what you can and cannot eat.
I remember being really afraid that I would have to eat a bland, crappy diet after surgery because that was the misconception that floats around like a dark cloud. It's not true. I'm a better cook than I ever was, and I was pretty damn good before surgery. You just have to eat in smaller portions and that's not a matter of control. That's a matter of pouch size.
And as El pointed out, there is an incredible joy in sitting down to eat, taking small bites, having dinner conversation, napkin in your lap, utensils set down between bites. Savor it. Lavish it. But only think of it now as a goal. You'll probably start this kind of life in a year, after your protective focus has been on your pouch.
I didn't tell anyone but my immediate family/friends of three people. They protected me and were stunned as the weight came off. We lived together and for a time, I would cook something special every Friday night, which they designated Chez Diane. Even if I couldn't make a meal purely bariatric in nature, I'd eat a tiny portion.
Praise sustained me because there was so little in my childhood and I made bad choices in relationships. Bariatric surgery was like 20 years of successful therapy.
Look into deep breathing, meditation, saying affirmations all day long. There's a part of your brain that craves love more than food. Affirmations will allow that part to grow bigger and eventually, to take over those nasty old messages.
And see a therapist. Most MSWs are skilled in behavior modification and will take cues from you to design therapy that works for you. You don't have to go for life. Sometimes just a few weeks will do the job. And for you, I'm going to recommend that little book, "The Only Diet There Is," by Sondra Ray. It's not a guide to food. It's a diet from negativity. It works.
find someone among your friends and family who you think has her/his act together and spend time with him/her. Ask, "What's your secret? How do you manage to keep it so chill?" Develop a friendship and keep track of what you learn in a journal.
Give Barryjordan a big psychic hug 20 times a day. Feel it and bask in it. You are going to make it. You'll get over this hump.. You'll have what you want, but it takes time.
We're here for you.
