Scared to loose my relationship

[Pmoody]

I'll start by saying that I have been looking into getting the gastric sleeve done for years. I'm 29 and weigh 320lbs. Ive struggled all my life with weight and im finally at a point in my life were not only can i get the surgery, I can afford it.

Here is my delima.. I just got engaged and ee are both big people. My fiancee is attracted to bigger women. He tells me all the time he wants me to be happy and he know this surgery will make me happy. However, I know he's not attracted to "skinny" women. I'm terrified if I go through with this I will loose my fiancee. But if i don't I wont be happy with myself....
Has anyone else gone through this?? Any advice would be great.

And before it gets said, cause i know it will. I know he loves me and always will, just worry about him being attracted. Two different things

 

[missdarmitage]

I'll start by saying that I have been looking into getting the gastric sleeve done for years. I'm 29 and weigh 320lbs. Ive struggled all my life with weight and im finally at a point in my life were not only can i get the surgery, I can afford it.

Here is my delima.. I just got engaged and ee are both big people. My fiancee is attracted to bigger women. He tells me all the time he wants me to be happy and he know this surgery will make me happy. However, I know he's not attracted to "skinny" women. I'm terrified if I go through with this I will loose my fiancee. But if i don't I wont be happy with myself....
Has anyone else gone through this?? Any advice would be great.

And before it gets said, cause i know it will. I know he loves me and always will, just worry about him being attracted. Two different things

Welcome to the group Pmoody! That is a dilemma. I personally have not been in your situation so I can't speak from experience. Like you said, attraction and love are two different things and that is a hard one. The best advice I have (and take this with a grain of salt because like I said, I haven't been in this situation) would be to force a very open and honest talk with him. The part of my brain that loves happy endings wants to say he fell in love with you because of the million things that make you up, his attraction to you was just that millionth and one thing that adds to why he fell for you. At this point it very well could be that his attraction is also to your personality, sense of humor (or lack thereof), and all the other qualities that make you, you.

Ultimately though, it comes up to what you want and need the most. If you are not happy with yourself as you are now, how can you hope to make your relationship a happy one? I feel like you would just be faking it until you can't any longer. Dig deep into your feelings and decide which option you can't live without. While he is a huge factor in your life and will help to make you happy, you can't depend on others for your happiness. So if not having the surgery is something you can learn to live with, that is fine. But if having the surgery is something you need the way I and most of the other people on this site needed it, you have to fight for what will complete you. It is a very scary thought to move forward when you are so unsure about a part of your life, but you have to put yourself first. You deserve it.

I wish you the best of luck with everything! Please let us know how you decide to go and if you need any moral support, we are always here for you.

 

[Brenda2010]

I totally agree with missdarmitage on all points.

Another thing to remember is that if you aren't happy with yourself, you aren't giving him the best of you.

Maybe you could remind him of the health issues when you're carrying that kind of excess weight. You're young so you many not have issues yet but unfortunately if you stay at your current weight, you're almost guaranteed health problems. Since he loves you, I'm sure he wants you healthy and feeling good.

Lastly, surgery doesn't mean that you'll necessarily become "skinny". How much weight you'll loose is completely dependent on the changes you're willing to make. I'm 7 months post-op, I'm healthy but I'm still plenty curvy. According to the BMI, I still need to loose 20 pounds but honestly, I doubt I'll ever loose that. The sacrifices I'd have to make don't feel worth the payoff. If there's a party, I want to be able to have a cupcake. If friends order a pizza, I want to have a slice. Progress not perfection!

Good luck with everything.

 

[honeysgirl]

Congratulations on your engagement first.
I think you should definitely put off the wedding until you are close to your stable weight. See how it affects your relationship. It would be sad to go through all the wedding only to get a divorce.
If he really loves you, then he will accept the change that you want and need so badly. Maybe he will like your results and decide that maybe he will want to have surgery as well. Think of all the things you might be able to do together at a lower weight.
Though, I am not an advocate of pushing anyone into surgery. It is a very hard and personal decision to make.

Keep us updated and I wish you all the happiness that you deserve.

 

[Grommie]

I agree with everyone above. I only want to add the fact someday you may want to have children and at your current weight it may not be healthy or possible. It is just a thought. You have to think about you and your health.