What do I do?

[Bliss123]

In December my mom had bariatric surgery. I was so excited and proud of her. She's been overweight my entire life and has diabetes, high blood pressure, and a myriad of other health problems. We were both hoping that this would be something to help her get better. Help give her the boost she isn't able to give herself. She was over 350 when she got the surgery and is now in the 290's. When she first got the surgery she said that she wanted to be my size, i'm a size 16. But the more she loses the harder she pushes herself to be smaller than me, to lose faster. She follows these pages on social media where people share their weight loss journeys. She will scroll through for an hour at a time comparing herself and her journey to those online. She sits and asks me why she isn't losing as fast or as much weight as them. It's not like she isn't doing what she should be. She eats what she should, walks on the treadmill 30 minutes 5 times a week, and goes to all of her doctors appointments. She just wants everything NOW, as in yesterday. She asks me a few times a day "Do you see a difference?". Of course i do, and i tell her so. But it doesn't seem like enough. I tell her how amazing she looks and that she just needs to keep moving forward. I help her cook and i find restaurants that have healthy options for when we go out. But she just wants more. Now it's a competition. She has to be smaller than me, she wants to look better than her sister, she wants to be the same size as a random woman on the street.

I don't understand it. Is she getting a new lease on life and will calm down eventually? I don't know what to do anymore. I can't relate to her and this journey she is on. I've struggled with my weight for as long as i can remember and we used to bond over that. Food was one of the ways we bonded. But now she's counting calories, grams of protein, and carbs. She's checking her fit bit constantly to see how many steps she's done for the day. I'm so happy that she is getting what she wants and getting off of medications. I'm so proud that she's sticking to the diet. But i'm also frustrated that it doesn't seem to be enough for her. I'm frustrated that i don't know what to say to her anymore. I can also admit that i'm beyond scared that she will lose a ton of weight and leave me behind. Not literally. But she will be able to do things and go places that i can't. So... What do i do now?

 

[MamaBearOf4]

My mom was always big as well when I was growing up. And when she had her skin apron removed she still acted the same but I was always the one to be the cleaner and cooker. I would be the one to go to the stores and get everything from the car. My mother was a major depressed person and on top of it she was over weight. She kept me right with her not allowed me out to play like a normal kid. So of course I started to gain weight. Got bored and ate. nothing better to do, I ate. Now I am 599lbs and I am getting stuff together for my surgery. I have 4 boys and I never do them like my mother do me. I allow them outside. I moved to the country so they can have a nice big yard and space to run. All my boys are fit and healthy. Now it is time for me to get healthy. I am having this surgery to better my life for me and my kids. Not to be rude but your mother should of been nicer. Instead of trying to beat your size she should of asked you to join her for her walks. Or asked if you was okay with what was going on with her. Right now she is comparing her self to everyone else but what she does not realize is that she is only herself. I know even with the surgery I can't get down to be 144 like the books say that I should be. I will take 180, 200, or 230. Anything is better then what I am right now. Your mother should of looked at the healthy part of the surgery instead of the looks part. Looks is not every thing. I know that is for a fact for being with my husband for 9 years now. When I first got with him I was only 350lbs. But with time I gained weight. Then when my mother passed away I gained even more. I hated it. I moved from where I lived somewhere new to heal. I have tried to go back home but the thing is everytime I go back I gain the weight back. I have finally figured I just stay where I know I am going to do the best. Your mother just needs time. Maybe a therapist but time to come to her senses. Some times you have to be up front with people for them to know what they are doing wrong.

 

[Tauheedah S Hasan]

In December my mom had bariatric surgery. I was so excited and proud of her. She's been overweight my entire life and has diabetes, high blood pressure, and a myriad of other health problems. We were both hoping that this would be something to help her get better. Help give her the boost she isn't able to give herself. She was over 350 when she got the surgery and is now in the 290's. When she first got the surgery she said that she wanted to be my size, i'm a size 16. But the more she loses the harder she pushes herself to be smaller than me, to lose faster. She follows these pages on social media where people share their weight loss journeys. She will scroll through for an hour at a time comparing herself and her journey to those online. She sits and asks me why she isn't losing as fast or as much weight as them. It's not like she isn't doing what she should be. She eats what she should, walks on the treadmill 30 minutes 5 times a week, and goes to all of her doctors appointments. She just wants everything NOW, as in yesterday. She asks me a few times a day "Do you see a difference?". Of course i do, and i tell her so. But it doesn't seem like enough. I tell her how amazing she looks and that she just needs to keep moving forward. I help her cook and i find restaurants that have healthy options for when we go out. But she just wants more. Now it's a competition. She has to be smaller than me, she wants to look better than her sister, she wants to be the same size as a random woman on the street.

I don't understand it. Is she getting a new lease on life and will calm down eventually? I don't know what to do anymore. I can't relate to her and this journey she is on. I've struggled with my weight for as long as i can remember and we used to bond over that. Food was one of the ways we bonded. But now she's counting calories, grams of protein, and carbs. She's checking her fit bit constantly to see how many steps she's done for the day. I'm so happy that she is getting what she wants and getting off of medications. I'm so proud that she's sticking to the diet. But i'm also frustrated that it doesn't seem to be enough for her. I'm frustrated that i don't know what to say to her anymore. I can also admit that i'm beyond scared that she will lose a ton of weight and leave me behind. Not literally. But she will be able to do things and go places that i can't. So... What do i do now?

Maybe she needs a little extra with a Therapist. Slow and Steady is my experience. That's what works for me but everyone journey is different!!

 

[Christy0829]

In December my mom had bariatric surgery. I was so excited and proud of her. She's been overweight my entire life and has diabetes, high blood pressure, and a myriad of other health problems. We were both hoping that this would be something to help her get better. Help give her the boost she isn't able to give herself. She was over 350 when she got the surgery and is now in the 290's. When she first got the surgery she said that she wanted to be my size, i'm a size 16. But the more she loses the harder she pushes herself to be smaller than me, to lose faster. She follows these pages on social media where people share their weight loss journeys. She will scroll through for an hour at a time comparing herself and her journey to those online. She sits and asks me why she isn't losing as fast or as much weight as them. It's not like she isn't doing what she should be. She eats what she should, walks on the treadmill 30 minutes 5 times a week, and goes to all of her doctors appointments. She just wants everything NOW, as in yesterday. She asks me a few times a day "Do you see a difference?". Of course i do, and i tell her so. But it doesn't seem like enough. I tell her how amazing she looks and that she just needs to keep moving forward. I help her cook and i find restaurants that have healthy options for when we go out. But she just wants more. Now it's a competition. She has to be smaller than me, she wants to look better than her sister, she wants to be the same size as a random woman on the street.

I don't understand it. Is she getting a new lease on life and will calm down eventually? I don't know what to do anymore. I can't relate to her and this journey she is on. I've struggled with my weight for as long as i can remember and we used to bond over that. Food was one of the ways we bonded. But now she's counting calories, grams of protein, and carbs. She's checking her fit bit constantly to see how many steps she's done for the day. I'm so happy that she is getting what she wants and getting off of medications. I'm so proud that she's sticking to the diet. But i'm also frustrated that it doesn't seem to be enough for her. I'm frustrated that i don't know what to say to her anymore. I can also admit that i'm beyond scared that she will lose a ton of weight and leave me behind. Not literally. But she will be able to do things and go places that i can't. So... What do i do now?

I think a bariatric journey is just as much a journey for the people close to the patient as it is for the actual patient. I can imagine it would be really hard to have a big part of what you and your mom bonded over change. It makes me wonder if in some way she’s worried about loosing you too? I say bring it up, tell her your concerns, your fears. Open a dialogue. For years I kept things from my mom because I thought she was judging me. Thank god for my aunt, who set me straight and told me to talk to my mom. Turned out it was all connected to this facial expression she’d make that she didn’t even know she was making! I feel like I lost so much authentic time with my mom because I simply didn’t say something to her. Honestly isn’t just healthy, but it usually sheds light and makes uncertainty feel less uncertain.

 

[Christy0829]

My mom was always big as well when I was growing up. And when she had her skin apron removed she still acted the same but I was always the one to be the cleaner and cooker. I would be the one to go to the stores and get everything from the car. My mother was a major depressed person and on top of it she was over weight. She kept me right with her not allowed me out to play like a normal kid. So of course I started to gain weight. Got bored and ate. nothing better to do, I ate. Now I am 599lbs and I am getting stuff together for my surgery. I have 4 boys and I never do them like my mother do me. I allow them outside. I moved to the country so they can have a nice big yard and space to run. All my boys are fit and healthy. Now it is time for me to get healthy. I am having this surgery to better my life for me and my kids. Not to be rude but your mother should of been nicer. Instead of trying to beat your size she should of asked you to join her for her walks. Or asked if you was okay with what was going on with her. Right now she is comparing her self to everyone else but what she does not realize is that she is only herself. I know even with the surgery I can't get down to be 144 like the books say that I should be. I will take 180, 200, or 230. Anything is better then what I am right now. Your mother should of looked at the healthy part of the surgery instead of the looks part. Looks is not every thing. I know that is for a fact for being with my husband for 9 years now. When I first got with him I was only 350lbs. But with time I gained weight. Then when my mother passed away I gained even more. I hated it. I moved from where I lived somewhere new to heal. I have tried to go back home but the thing is everytime I go back I gain the weight back. I have finally figured I just stay where I know I am going to do the best. Your mother just needs time. Maybe a therapist but time to come to her senses. Some times you have to be up front with people for them to know what they are doing wrong.

Thank you so much for sharing some of your story. Childhood trauma has so many different faces and so often it is cyclical. How wonderful that your bravery is breaking the cycle for your own kiddos. I love what you said about being upfront. I can’t say enough about honesty truly being the best policy. I like to think that if we are upfront and honest from the get go then we can receive truth in return. I am so excited for you and this new chapter of life for you, and it sounds like you’ve got a wonderful hubby who loves you for who you are. Keep us posted on your journey! Sending positive energy and love your way!