What do I do?

[Bliss123]

In December my mom had bariatric surgery. I was so excited and proud of her. She's been overweight my entire life and has diabetes, high blood pressure, and a myriad of other health problems. We were both hoping that this would be something to help her get better. Help give her the boost she isn't able to give herself. She was over 350 when she got the surgery and is now in the 290's. When she first got the surgery she said that she wanted to be my size, i'm a size 16. But the more she loses the harder she pushes herself to be smaller than me, to lose faster. She follows these pages on social media where people share their weight loss journeys. She will scroll through for an hour at a time comparing herself and her journey to those online. She sits and asks me why she isn't losing as fast or as much weight as them. It's not like she isn't doing what she should be. She eats what she should, walks on the treadmill 30 minutes 5 times a week, and goes to all of her doctors appointments. She just wants everything NOW, as in yesterday. She asks me a few times a day "Do you see a difference?". Of course i do, and i tell her so. But it doesn't seem like enough. I tell her how amazing she looks and that she just needs to keep moving forward. I help her cook and i find restaurants that have healthy options for when we go out. But she just wants more. Now it's a competition. She has to be smaller than me, she wants to look better than her sister, she wants to be the same size as a random woman on the street.

I don't understand it. Is she getting a new lease on life and will calm down eventually? I don't know what to do anymore. I can't relate to her and this journey she is on. I've struggled with my weight for as long as i can remember and we used to bond over that. Food was one of the ways we bonded. But now she's counting calories, grams of protein, and carbs. She's checking her fit bit constantly to see how many steps she's done for the day. I'm so happy that she is getting what she wants and getting off of medications. I'm so proud that she's sticking to the diet. But i'm also frustrated that it doesn't seem to be enough for her. I'm frustrated that i don't know what to say to her anymore. I can also admit that i'm beyond scared that she will lose a ton of weight and leave me behind. Not literally. But she will be able to do things and go places that i can't. So... What do i do now?

 

[dianeseattle]

Hi Bliss, welcome and congratulations to your mom and kudos to you for being so aware of what is going on right now. Apparently your mom has never heard that "comparisons are odious."

If you want to help her, you might mention that she is comparing her insides to someone else's outsides. She doesn't truly know what is going on in another person's head and heart. She only knows what's going on inside hers.

But don't get sucked into this. You need to detach from her because she is exhibiting dysfunctional behavior, probably related to her food addiction, and like a recovering alcoholic she stopped "drinking" but she still "acts like a drunk." you might want to practice some phrases you can use to get out of the conversations like "Good for you Mom," "That's interesting." Or "oh well." Then end the conversation and leave the room or hang up the phone or whatever. Go for a walk or do something nice for yourself. There is no way you are ever going to make a dent in her denial. She has to come to this herself.
If I were in that situation, and I was wearing a size 16, I might take the opportunity to use her never ending Pursuit as a tool for myself. I would copy her high protein diet and eat with her. I might asked if she'd like to go with me for a walk or a swim or whatever is appropriate. I don't mean to suggest that you have a problem because you wear a size 16, but your mom seems to be saying that.

So this might be a good chance for you to give her something even harder to shoot for, like a size 10 or size 6 or even a size 12.

I know for sure I would be attending a 12-step support group like OA or ACOA. but you need to stop listening to her toxic crap. I don't know why she is doing this to you. She should be happy, overjoyed, and supportive of everything she does and you do in order to help her meet her goal. She is doing great. But why isn't she doing 30 minutes on the treadmill 7 days a week? she's going to need to amp up that calorie-burning exercise because soon she will come to a plateau. It happens to everybody.

Try to turn your focus away from her. Do you remember Brer Rabbit or Aesop's Fables? In Brer Rabbit the fox wants to catch the rabbit and he knows that the rabbit is unwise. So he creates a sort of scarecrow but it's made out of tar. Then he waits behind the Tar-Baby for Brer Rabbit to come on by.

When Brer Rabbit gets close, Fox starts to insult him, trying to goad him but he makes it seem like that voice is coming from the tar baby. Well Brer Rabbit has a temper and starts slugging the tar baby to make him stop. Of course, Brer Rabbit's paws get stuck to the tar baby and the fox eats him. If only Brer Rabbit had been able to take the high road and ignore the negative things the tar baby was saying to him.

You can choose to respond to your mother. Or you can choose to react to her cruelty. There is a big difference between those two.

You are Bliss. Either you gave yourself that handle or that's your name or that's the state you want to be in. I support you no matter what. Just know that you weren't born overweight. If you've been struggling all your life, there's a reason. If you want to change that now, you have a great opportunity to do so. Your mom may never be satisfied. But you can be. Cut the cord. Move away from Mom's criticism. Do everything nice for yourself. Be a winner. Or as the kids say these days be a boss.

If you get a chance, read NO CONTEST by Alfie Kohn. It'll change your life.

I look forward to I look forward to your next posting.

 

[MamaBearOf4]

My mom was always big as well when I was growing up. And when she had her skin apron removed she still acted the same but I was always the one to be the cleaner and cooker. I would be the one to go to the stores and get everything from the car. My mother was a major depressed person and on top of it she was over weight. She kept me right with her not allowed me out to play like a normal kid. So of course I started to gain weight. Got bored and ate. nothing better to do, I ate. Now I am 599lbs and I am getting stuff together for my surgery. I have 4 boys and I never do them like my mother do me. I allow them outside. I moved to the country so they can have a nice big yard and space to run. All my boys are fit and healthy. Now it is time for me to get healthy. I am having this surgery to better my life for me and my kids. Not to be rude but your mother should of been nicer. Instead of trying to beat your size she should of asked you to join her for her walks. Or asked if you was okay with what was going on with her. Right now she is comparing her self to everyone else but what she does not realize is that she is only herself. I know even with the surgery I can't get down to be 144 like the books say that I should be. I will take 180, 200, or 230. Anything is better then what I am right now. Your mother should of looked at the healthy part of the surgery instead of the looks part. Looks is not every thing. I know that is for a fact for being with my husband for 9 years now. When I first got with him I was only 350lbs. But with time I gained weight. Then when my mother passed away I gained even more. I hated it. I moved from where I lived somewhere new to heal. I have tried to go back home but the thing is everytime I go back I gain the weight back. I have finally figured I just stay where I know I am going to do the best. Your mother just needs time. Maybe a therapist but time to come to her senses. Some times you have to be up front with people for them to know what they are doing wrong.

 

[Tauheedah S Hasan]

In December my mom had bariatric surgery. I was so excited and proud of her. She's been overweight my entire life and has diabetes, high blood pressure, and a myriad of other health problems. We were both hoping that this would be something to help her get better. Help give her the boost she isn't able to give herself. She was over 350 when she got the surgery and is now in the 290's. When she first got the surgery she said that she wanted to be my size, i'm a size 16. But the more she loses the harder she pushes herself to be smaller than me, to lose faster. She follows these pages on social media where people share their weight loss journeys. She will scroll through for an hour at a time comparing herself and her journey to those online. She sits and asks me why she isn't losing as fast or as much weight as them. It's not like she isn't doing what she should be. She eats what she should, walks on the treadmill 30 minutes 5 times a week, and goes to all of her doctors appointments. She just wants everything NOW, as in yesterday. She asks me a few times a day "Do you see a difference?". Of course i do, and i tell her so. But it doesn't seem like enough. I tell her how amazing she looks and that she just needs to keep moving forward. I help her cook and i find restaurants that have healthy options for when we go out. But she just wants more. Now it's a competition. She has to be smaller than me, she wants to look better than her sister, she wants to be the same size as a random woman on the street.

I don't understand it. Is she getting a new lease on life and will calm down eventually? I don't know what to do anymore. I can't relate to her and this journey she is on. I've struggled with my weight for as long as i can remember and we used to bond over that. Food was one of the ways we bonded. But now she's counting calories, grams of protein, and carbs. She's checking her fit bit constantly to see how many steps she's done for the day. I'm so happy that she is getting what she wants and getting off of medications. I'm so proud that she's sticking to the diet. But i'm also frustrated that it doesn't seem to be enough for her. I'm frustrated that i don't know what to say to her anymore. I can also admit that i'm beyond scared that she will lose a ton of weight and leave me behind. Not literally. But she will be able to do things and go places that i can't. So... What do i do now?

Maybe she needs a little extra with a Therapist. Slow and Steady is my experience. That's what works for me but everyone journey is different!!

 

[Christy0829]

In December my mom had bariatric surgery. I was so excited and proud of her. She's been overweight my entire life and has diabetes, high blood pressure, and a myriad of other health problems. We were both hoping that this would be something to help her get better. Help give her the boost she isn't able to give herself. She was over 350 when she got the surgery and is now in the 290's. When she first got the surgery she said that she wanted to be my size, i'm a size 16. But the more she loses the harder she pushes herself to be smaller than me, to lose faster. She follows these pages on social media where people share their weight loss journeys. She will scroll through for an hour at a time comparing herself and her journey to those online. She sits and asks me why she isn't losing as fast or as much weight as them. It's not like she isn't doing what she should be. She eats what she should, walks on the treadmill 30 minutes 5 times a week, and goes to all of her doctors appointments. She just wants everything NOW, as in yesterday. She asks me a few times a day "Do you see a difference?". Of course i do, and i tell her so. But it doesn't seem like enough. I tell her how amazing she looks and that she just needs to keep moving forward. I help her cook and i find restaurants that have healthy options for when we go out. But she just wants more. Now it's a competition. She has to be smaller than me, she wants to look better than her sister, she wants to be the same size as a random woman on the street.

I don't understand it. Is she getting a new lease on life and will calm down eventually? I don't know what to do anymore. I can't relate to her and this journey she is on. I've struggled with my weight for as long as i can remember and we used to bond over that. Food was one of the ways we bonded. But now she's counting calories, grams of protein, and carbs. She's checking her fit bit constantly to see how many steps she's done for the day. I'm so happy that she is getting what she wants and getting off of medications. I'm so proud that she's sticking to the diet. But i'm also frustrated that it doesn't seem to be enough for her. I'm frustrated that i don't know what to say to her anymore. I can also admit that i'm beyond scared that she will lose a ton of weight and leave me behind. Not literally. But she will be able to do things and go places that i can't. So... What do i do now?

I think a bariatric journey is just as much a journey for the people close to the patient as it is for the actual patient. I can imagine it would be really hard to have a big part of what you and your mom bonded over change. It makes me wonder if in some way she’s worried about loosing you too? I say bring it up, tell her your concerns, your fears. Open a dialogue. For years I kept things from my mom because I thought she was judging me. Thank god for my aunt, who set me straight and told me to talk to my mom. Turned out it was all connected to this facial expression she’d make that she didn’t even know she was making! I feel like I lost so much authentic time with my mom because I simply didn’t say something to her. Honestly isn’t just healthy, but it usually sheds light and makes uncertainty feel less uncertain.

 

[Christy0829]

My mom was always big as well when I was growing up. And when she had her skin apron removed she still acted the same but I was always the one to be the cleaner and cooker. I would be the one to go to the stores and get everything from the car. My mother was a major depressed person and on top of it she was over weight. She kept me right with her not allowed me out to play like a normal kid. So of course I started to gain weight. Got bored and ate. nothing better to do, I ate. Now I am 599lbs and I am getting stuff together for my surgery. I have 4 boys and I never do them like my mother do me. I allow them outside. I moved to the country so they can have a nice big yard and space to run. All my boys are fit and healthy. Now it is time for me to get healthy. I am having this surgery to better my life for me and my kids. Not to be rude but your mother should of been nicer. Instead of trying to beat your size she should of asked you to join her for her walks. Or asked if you was okay with what was going on with her. Right now she is comparing her self to everyone else but what she does not realize is that she is only herself. I know even with the surgery I can't get down to be 144 like the books say that I should be. I will take 180, 200, or 230. Anything is better then what I am right now. Your mother should of looked at the healthy part of the surgery instead of the looks part. Looks is not every thing. I know that is for a fact for being with my husband for 9 years now. When I first got with him I was only 350lbs. But with time I gained weight. Then when my mother passed away I gained even more. I hated it. I moved from where I lived somewhere new to heal. I have tried to go back home but the thing is everytime I go back I gain the weight back. I have finally figured I just stay where I know I am going to do the best. Your mother just needs time. Maybe a therapist but time to come to her senses. Some times you have to be up front with people for them to know what they are doing wrong.

Thank you so much for sharing some of your story. Childhood trauma has so many different faces and so often it is cyclical. How wonderful that your bravery is breaking the cycle for your own kiddos. I love what you said about being upfront. I can’t say enough about honesty truly being the best policy. I like to think that if we are upfront and honest from the get go then we can receive truth in return. I am so excited for you and this new chapter of life for you, and it sounds like you’ve got a wonderful hubby who loves you for who you are. Keep us posted on your journey! Sending positive energy and love your way!