Welcome to the group, Laura. I hope you'll share more of your story with us.
Here are a few random thoughts:
- You are putting blame in the wrong place
- The surgery didn't make you gain weight back--you did that, like so many people do
- The reason you gained is your eating disorder. It's stronger than any surgical approach.
- Control is overrated. It's actually a very dangerous thing.
- You need to examine yourself and find out why you won't be honest about this.
- Your anxiety & depression are not part of a surgical outcome, but they are mood disorders that need separate treatment.
I was deliberately blunt just then, but try to understand that you were asking me to believe your weight gains were magically acquired, when in fact, they were a direct result of overeating.
If you were gaining weight after surgery, why didn't you put your problem in the hands of qualified medical professionals? No doctor is going to allow you to gain 100 pounds after you had surgery to get rid of it.
I hear a lot of grief from a good person who simply cannot reach logical conclusions and thinks she's doomed to fail. Welcome to the club. Surgery is only a tool and you are the builder who uses it. For some reason, you lack the desire to be healthy and thin. But then this perverse entity of control is messing you up by lying to you and predicting you have no choice but to fail. Welcome to Major Depression Land.
Here's the deal. It's okay to take responsibility for screwing up. I mean, what's gonna happen? It's not like anyone can take away your birthday. You are real, flesh and blood and fat, and in spite of all that, you are allowing a less tactile reality to drive your bus. And that driver is ten times stronger than what you might call "willpower" or "control."
For a week, keep a journal. Write down your thoughts and feelings as they pertain to food, but don't write them down until they occur. And all day, every day, write down every single crumb you put in your mouth. Be honest.
If you're not already a member, join the YMCA. They have a lot of group activities that will keep you accountable and offer support. You could join a bunch of old ladies like me in the arthritis swim. You could join a salsa dance class. You could walk on a treadmill, or use an elliptical for less impact. You could treat every visit like a spa day, taking a steam or sitting in the hot tub, followed by a great hot shower and skin treatments. You can find volunteer opportunities that will take you out of yourself and help someone else. Before you leave, sit in front of a mirror there and apply makeup and do your hair. I'm not just saying this. I do this.
While we may seem like victims of obesity, it's really us who are inflicting the pain and imprisonment. Don't try to control anything. Just do things differently. Take one thing at a time and do it, so you don't feel overwhelmed. At 18 years out, you're suddenly our most senior member here. What did you learn on your journey that you can share with us? We want to learn from you.
Try honesty first. No one will hurt you for telling the truth. Revisiting painful memories will not propel you into the past to suffer again. You have the power now, and it's time to use it. You are repeating myths about weight and health and as bad as that is for you, it will also be heard and possibly believed by someone who is also suffering. Misery does not love company, but company can put misery in a closet.
start here:
New resources
If you're not in therapy, check it out. And as you obsess through your day, counter the failure messages with affirmations. Here's an old "mantra" of mine, given to me by a man who loved me:
I am beautiful, inside and out
people will perceive me as beautiful because I am beautiful
i become more beautiful every day.
I improve myself every day.
I am LIGHT.
It is normal for me to be happy, and to be a beacon of light to all around me.
Repeat this constantly, silently or aloud. Eventually, you'll believe it.
You're okay, you're safe, you can let your guard down here. We want to offer you support & love, and weirdly enough, this approach actually works, right here on the ol' interweb!
