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Gaining Weight….and Grief

TraceyT

TraceyT

Member
My husband and I saw people at my dads funeral that we literally haven’t seen in several years. One friend I grew up with told my husband that he needed to get a sandwich and a milkshake every day.

Same friend came to the house after the funeral to eat - talk - catch up. He came in with a hamburger and a chocolate milkshake for me. The thought of food literally made me sick. The smell of all the food people were dropping off made me physically ill.

I was extremely close to my daddy. I was the baby of the family and the only girl. According to my dad I had him wrapped around my little finger from the day I was born.

His death sent me into a spiral. My husband could see what was happening - but he couldn’t stop it. I was just extremely stressed - exhausted - hurt - missing my weekly “dates” with my daddy. I am devastated. My husband finally had to step in. He took me off for a weekend. I hadn’t really looked in a mirror for a week or so. I looked AWFUL. I was going for days without sleeping or eating.

I’m trying to work on me now. My husband told me it was”ok” to take time to work on me. Grieve and let my emotions out anyway I needed too. I was so focused on my mom, kids to see that I needed to grieve too

He took me to the firing range and got some special things for me to fire! OMG! I’m married to a truly loving man. I shot the shit out of every target in sight! I fired guns I had never seen before. I shot, cried, screamed and eventually collapsed.

My husband was there to catch me. He’s my rock - my anchor in any storm - the love of my life. We talked and he said he was afraid I was going to join my dad. He was afraid. I’m not trying to join my dad - but my world will never be the same without my dad.

I know that I’m too skinny. I’m working on it. I’m eating every day. I’m sleeping every night - with prescription help. It truly is difficult to gain weight for me - constant work in progress.

I do go to the cemetery daily to talk to my daddy. My mom can’t go just yet. But I’ll take her when she’s ready. My mom isn’t ready to be in the house alone - so either me or one of my 3 youngest girls stay with her every night so she isn’t alone. My husband stays with me at moms whenever I stay overnight with her. He says he doesn’t sleep well unless my ice cold feet aren’t put in the middle of back after he’s gone to sleep. I told him I sleep better after I put my cold feet in the middle of his HOT body - and I mean Sun HOT not the so sexy HOT…
 
Tracey, I am so sorry that you are going through this. The loss of a loved one, especially a parent is harsh. It's good that your husband is so supportive. And I'm glad you've realized you need to take care of yourself. I know you had a health episode in the past, which I think you mentioned was at least partially due to your low weight/inability to eat. Even if you cannot gain weight, and really .. that's probably a worry you don't need right now, at least make sure you are getting proper nutrition. To steal Judy's favorite phase "You can't pour from an empty cup.".

You have proven over and over, you're strong. No one is going to think less of you for not being ready to carry everyone else's burden on top of your own. You are allowed to miss your special bond with your dad. Even while the rest of your family grieves. You can't fix it or take their pain away, so take the time to feel your own. You deserve that. And it takes time .. and then more time. You'll miss your dad forever. You now have to love yourself as much as he did. So ask yourself what advice he would give you right now. And then take it. Hugs, my friend, there is no easy way to get through grief.
 
Thank you Missy.

My daddy would tell me “Off your ass and on your feet. No time for pissing and moaning. Suck it up KitKatt let’s go!” He couldn’t stand to see me like this. Or sad, outta control or any other word you’d like to use. It’s a struggle.



 
Tracey, so sorry you are struggling so. It shows how close you and your dad were that you are hurting so badly. It's fine to grieve and important that you let yourself grieve, but try to remember how wonderful your relationship was and how lucky you were to be so close with your dad. Those fond memories will eventually fill the deep chasm that has been left from his loss.

You have a wonderful, supportive husband. I am sure he would not mind you leaning on him. As he said, take time for you. As much as you need and at long as it takes. There is no time limit. Be kind to yourself and know you are loved.
 
I was a daddy’s girl too, and took my dad’s death really hard. I’m crying writing this, and it was 9 years ago, but it does get better. I’m sorry for your loss, would grief counseling help? It helped me, it’s the one and only time I’ve needed any help like that.
 
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