How to UNTELL someone

[suzannethemom]

I made the mistake of telling my younger sister about my WLS decision. She wasn’t very supportive and made some stupid comments. I decided not to bring it up anymore when we text (we are not very close). Ironically, SHE keeps asking me questions and it’s becoming annoying. They are stupid questions like “what are you gonna eat” and “aren’t you gonna miss fattening foods?” I wish I never told her because she is just being nosey and annoying at this point. How do I un-tell her? Is it okay to lie and say that my insurance didn’t approve the surgery so it’s off? Will I go to bariatric hell for lying? She and I are never going to see each other, so she won’t know. She lives in Utah, I’m in Minnesota and we don’t visit. She is kinda immature and overly sensitive, so I cannot talk to her like an adult. Help.

 

[WazzuCoug]

I wouldn't advocate lying, but I know this decision causes disruption among some families, so I understand the dilemma. A good friend of mine had a lot of negative feedback from her kids, and I never told either of my brothers. Although I doubt one of them would be judgy, the other would probably be, or at least his wife would be and he'd go along with it. Regardless, I don't think you should lie, but it's your relationship and your ethical battle. If you aren't able to just tell her it's the right decision for you and ignore her opinions, then you will need to do what you need to do to feel at peace.

 

[dianeseattle]

I feel your pain! These aren't the kind of snoopy-doopy questions my family would have asked, but I knew they'd unanimously gossip about me (because [ahem] they worship at the altar of potlucks with fatty, sugary, starchy dishes) and the theme would be She Cheated. They would have done whatever they could to make me feel like a failure. In fact, they all acted like nothing was different about me, except one of my seven siblings. She was awesome and asked if I could help her, so I wrote a two-page analysis of what I ate and why just for her, omitting the surgical leg up.

As it turned out, they all kept eating and became more obese. But eating was a bonding ritual for them. When I went to visit l couldn't even sit at the table because food took up so much room. To get my family of 10 around the table was a challenge anyway. We often put the food on a card table so we could fit.

Anyway, you have to know your sister is jealous of you. Feel free to refuse to share details, or even to deny surgery. You can't win with them. But you can always invite your sis to go for a walk, or offer nutrition tips. Take the high road. She'd need a map to find it, but you're already on it.

 

[dianeseattle]

p.s. My little brother is missing from the photo of my mother's 90th birthday party because he was confined to a wheelchair for the last 9 years of his life. And Dad had passed five years earlier.

 

[missyinacage]

I wouldn't bother to lie about it but that's me. What I would do is explain that as a grown woman, you are entitled to make your own health decisions and aren't looking for a debate or negative feedback. Not everyone was on board when I decided to have my surgery, so I did exactly that. You are sharing information, not asking for permission or even an opinion.

You absolutely can and should talk to her like an adult. If she continues to ask you annoying questions, let her know that you are regularly discussing your concerns with knowledgeable medical professionals, so her input isn't required. If that upsets her, well, too bad. She doesn't seem to be worried about upsetting YOU. Setting boundaries isn't rude, it's important self-care. So says my therapist.

 

[Kcuster83]

Sorry you have to deal with this.
This is exactly why I have told few people. I just don't care to hear their opinion or advise.
Good luck!

 

[JO0518]

I have the same issue with extended family and friends. The only people I have told are my son, Mother, brother & sister-in-law, with explicit instructions that they not share my personal business with anyone or I'll tell them nothing going forward.

I feel that we each put a great deal of thought and energy into this decision and ultimately it's no one's business. I would speak bluntly to your sister and let her know that you will accept support from her or nothing at all.

Wishing you all the best in your endeavor. I just started my process and look forward to the procedure being over and my moving forward.

Julia

 

[3momchaos]

I made the mistake of telling my younger sister about my WLS decision. She wasn’t very supportive and made some stupid comments. I decided not to bring it up anymore when we text (we are not very close). Ironically, SHE keeps asking me questions and it’s becoming annoying. They are stupid questions like “what are you gonna eat” and “aren’t you gonna miss fattening foods?” I wish I never told her because she is just being nosey and annoying at this point. How do I un-tell her? Is it okay to lie and say that my insurance didn’t approve the surgery so it’s off? Will I go to bariatric hell for lying? She and I are never going to see each other, so she won’t know. She lives in Utah, I’m in Minnesota and we don’t visit. She is kinda immature and overly sensitive, so I cannot talk to her like an adult. Help.

Can I ask why you think she’s asking nosy questions rather than just being curious? I don’t know the specifics of your conversations, so please understand that I’m trying to understand, if that makes sense LOL I didn’t have anyone be outwardly unsupportive, but I did get a lot of questions similar to what your sister asked. I think if you lie and have the surgery she’ll know in the end, even if you never see her. A lot of people who asked questions like that are genuinely curious, and don’t understand why people would make a choice like we make. It’s also not for them to understand for this is a live and let live decision.

 

[Roni]

Another option is to give your sister research on the surgery and then let her ask question after she reads it. That way she could understand it better. It is up to you.

 

[suzannethemom]

Can I ask why you think she’s asking nosy questions rather than just being curious?

It’s just a feeling. It seems like she could just Google most of her basic questions. What really annoys me is that she is such a Negative Nancy. She asked me “Aren’t you worried about all the side effects?” She asked me if my son (age 26) was going to get the surgery too because he is overweight. As if anyone can get the surgery like it’s no big deal. That really upset me.

 

[Roni]

Hang in there. Can’t fix stupid you know this.

 

[suzannethemom]

Hang in there. Can’t fix stupid you know this.

I know, right? I'm kicking myself for telling her in the first place. I told her NOT to tell our Mom (who is super judgmental) and I know my sister is just dying to tell our Mom. She is the "favorite" and always gossips with my Mom. It's another reason why I want to "kill' the weight loss surgery story before she leaks it to my Mom.

 

[rjbj]

I told many acquaintances today, including some of my students. The procedure needs to be destigmatized so people don't feel bad about pursuing/exploring it. That said, @#$@#heads gonna @#$@#head.

 

[Roni]

I know, right? I'm kicking myself for telling her in the first place. I told her NOT to tell our Mom (who is super judgmental) and I know my sister is just dying to tell our Mom. She is the "favorite" and always gossips with my Mom. It's another reason why I want to "kill' the weight loss surgery story before she leaks it to my Mom.

Knows about favorites, I was the accident aka unplanned pregnancy at 15 yrs old that ruined her life cause she couldn’t finish high school( this was mid to late 50’s btw). She refused to marry my bio parent due to pregnancy, so I was born to an unwed mother. She didn’t even tell her parents she hid it under loose clothes until I was nearly delivered. I paid for being born, growing up always being reminded how I wasn’t wanted. Kinda messes with self esteem pretty harshly. Hard to love yourself when your own mother didn’t.

 

[eladams2015]

If you cannot flat out say that you are not going to discuss it with her, I would simply not respond to the questions, or change the subject when she does ask.

 

[suzannethemom]

I also realized that my sister asks me lots of questions, but when I ask HER questions about random stuff, she changes the subject. She is super private and evasive. I asked her what she does for exercise and she made a joke. She is obsessed about her weight (99 pounds) and exercise. I thought that sharing my decision would bring us closer, but it has not. We went 3 years without speaking because of a rumor my Mom started. Things have never been the same since then. Sorry, I’m rambling here. Just trying to give some brief history. Our relationship is fractured and I was trying to mend it by over sharing (sigh).

 

[3momchaos]

I also realized that my sister asks me lots of questions, but when I ask HER questions about random stuff, she changes the subject. She is super private and evasive. I asked her what she does for exercise and she made a joke. She is obsessed about her weight (99 pounds) and exercise. I thought that sharing my decision would bring us closer, but it has not. We went 3 years without speaking because of a rumor my Mom started. Things have never been the same since then. Sorry, I’m rambling here. Just trying to give some brief history. Our relationship is fractured and I was trying to mend it by over sharing (sigh).

Is she very short? 99lbs isn’t something many would brag about. That’s worrisome hearing.

 

[suzannethemom]

Is she very short? 99lbs isn’t something many would brag about. That’s worrisome hearing.

Yes, she is short, 5’ 0” I think. She has food issues for sure. Not anorexic, but obsessed with keeping her weight under 100 since high school. I was always the fat one.