Husband is not attracted to my new body.

[Jewls]

Hello. I’m new here and 2 years post op. I found a post by chance that others have dealt with what I’m dealing with. My heart is in a lot of pain. My husband of 20 years no longer finds me attractive. He isn’t turned on by my new body. Misses my ass & boobs. He says he still loves me though! Is that good? I don’t know. I love him and we have 3 young boys together. He’s still very overweight and has diabetes/ sleep apnea. He swears it’s not a jealousy thing - he really thinks I looked better before. Honestly, the reaction I get from most people is that I used to look better at 245. I guess people liked the old me better, but I like the new me. It’s still ME inside. It’s so hard ...I’m more me then I ever was, and I feel the least loved.....identity crisis ..self esteem suffering. I’m not about 130 and I feel so much better.

Anyhow, he says “I’ll find new ways to find you attractive besides physical” and says “it doesn’t matter, I’m committed to you” ..,I’m not so sure. Isn’t intimacy important? I guess intimacy is still possible, but how am I to feel about it? Embarrassed? Yuck.

I don’t know what to do. At first I thought it was a deal breaker, but maybe it will just take time?? It is a huge drastic change for him too. Again....we have been together a looooong time. I’m 40, and we have dated since 16 years of age. We’ve grown up together. He was here when my mom died. He is the father of all 3 of my children. Lots and lots of history.

Kind advice, direction, opinions, and guidance are welcomed. Even if it’s hard to hear.

Best to you on your journey.

 

[dianeseattle]

This is the type of situation where it is almost impossible to give advice. The problem lies in someone else's mind, not yours. You did the right thing because you wanted to be healthier. You also might have wanted to be more attractive, and there's nothing wrong with that. I can't believe people are actually saying shit like that to you.

However, I can believe that your husband misses your old boobs. It was the end of my relationship when I lost weight and my boobs went from being DDs that were falling out of my bra and were still DDs but fit nicely in my bras. My boyfriend liked my body before more than he liked my body after.

If you want to stay in your marriage, you're going to have to find a way to deal with this. And I don't have any really good suggestions for you except couples counseling. However, I think men who are always looking for big breasts may have Mama issues. I've always wished I could have stayed at a C cup. But the only reason for that was because I didn't like the kind of man I attracted when I got up into the D and DD territory.

A couples counselor would have the perfect thing to say about this. But I don't think your husband is going to change his stripes. He should be aware however that this hurts you and that he is being mean not to celebrate your weight loss and all the possibilities of great Health that it brings.

And let me ask you: do you feel as attracted to him now as you did when you first met? Are there things about him that have changed and become less desirable to you? It doesn't usually just go one way. Right now he's in control because he's got you upset. But he should get a taste of his own medicine. Or at least he should know that you love him regardless of the way he's aging and the things he isn't anymore, including being young.

Is there any possibility that he's not being straight with you? I mean, do you think it's possible he might feel betrayed because he's still fat and you're skinny? That happens all the time but people don't always want to express it because it seems even worse than saying "I really miss your boobs."

Since you have known each other for so long, how come you didn't know this? It doesn't matter. All that matters is that it's here now and it's hurting your feelings. You have done something really amazing. Please don't let ignorant people ruin this experience for you.

 

[M1963]

I have a kinship with you. I had gastric bypass 12 years ago. I went from 286 to 150 lbs. I felt great. More energy, achy joints all gone, no more sleeping issues, all was great; I thought. My hubby, also my childhood sweetheart, wasn't interested in my weight loss and told me he was no longer attracted to me.
I felt terrible and didn't understand what was happening. He was scared for my health when I was 286 but not excited that I was healthier and labs were coming back with excellent status?!
I let his lack of attraction get to me and I gave in again to eating more than I should and the weight started to come back on. I gained 40 lbs and started waking up in the middle of the night gagging on a mouthful of bile.
I looked up my bypass surgeon ( thankful he didn't retire) and scheduled to see him.
He performed endoscopy, found that my stomach had developed a diverticulum and an afferent loop. These were holding undigested food which was coming back up into my esophagus while I slept. "yucky"
Had that fixed 3 weeks ago and have lost 20 lbs. due to having to re-start all over bypass liquid diet. I already feel a lot better and can sleep through the night uninterrupted.
I have resolved to never, and I mean never, allow my personal health to be sidelined due to anyone else's opinion of liking, or not liking, my physical shape/size.
Even if that person is my husband.
It's great if they're supportive and loving, however; ultimately you are the one who's living your life and will deal with your own health issues.
Have a blessed day. I pray your husband comes around to appreciating your strength and beauty.
Be fearless! This is your life.

 

[dianeseattle]

Good for you! Many many congratulations.

 

[Tokash]

Unfortunately divorce is a high rate when people go through this process. Ultimately you have to decide what is best for you

 

[WazzuCoug]

I am so sorry you are going through this. Is your husband not interested or not able to get the surgery as well? My wife is scared I'm going to leave her after I get to my goal weight, which is not going to happen. Although I don't think she has to get the surgery, she is considering it, and I would be totally supportive. As Tokash said, relationships are a rocky area of weight loss surgery, with lots of emotions and such as you've attested to. I am sorry.

I don't have great advice. I wish I did. Ultimately, you deserve to be happy. Perhaps marriage counseling, if you haven't tried that. I think intimacy can be pretty tricky in the WLS world. So are many physical and psychological changes and emotions that both the patient and the spouse might go through. You definitely both deserve to make an attempt to make it work.

I don't suppose this wasn't valuable at all, but I truly hope things improve and work out for the best.

 

[dianeseattle]

Unfortunately divorce is a high rate when people go through this process. Ultimately you have to decide what is best for you

It's not it's not necessary to go from conflict to a divorce scenario because something like this is happening. I believe people are married for a long time because they put up with a lot of crap from the other one. There may be pouty days and nights on the couch, but if you have made the commitment to marry, it seems to me there should be a lot of latitude in terms of what hurtful things are said and received. There isn't anything wrong with you and what you did. Your husband is reacting to it in a very immature way. You are strong. Don't let his words, which are as permanent as a ripple in the water, affect you permanently. No one should have that much control over the way you think. No one should be able to say something that makes you want to leave after a long time together. If there were other factors, you didn't mention them, but if what you are battling is his lack of attraction to you at this time, you are entitled to have a good pout and go buy a new dress and take the car and go stay overnight in a fancy hotel where you dress up in your new clothes. You are the only person who can change how you feel. You don't have to take his shit as word. He is just starting out. You have been involved in this thought process for a long, long time. Is it possible you could cut him some slack but at the same time, ignore him? Just give him some time to come around. If he doesn't oh, then you know what your options are.

And I have never heard a statistic that indicated divorce is more frequent among couples where one has weight loss surgery. Is this something that you were told by an authority? I would very much like to know the source of this information. As far as I understand, after doing years of research, this is just not true. I would say at least half our membership is made of people who are married. Not one person here has ever mentioned that his or her marriage fell apart after the surgery and a divorce was the only solution. Not one single person.

 

[WazzuCoug]

And I have never heard a statistic that indicated divorce is more frequent among couples where one has weight loss surgery.

I linked to a study from 2018 which showed negative effects on relationships including divorce. It’s definitely an issue. It was also discussed with me by my psychologist. It doesn’t increase divorce by a massive amount, but it is there and there is a pretty intense effect on relationships, and I completely understand how it can have an effect given conversations with my wife.

Associations of Bariatric Surgery With Changes in Interpersonal Relationship Status

This study of 2 Swedish cohorts investigated changes in interpersonal relationship status after bariatric surgery.

jamanetwork.com

 

[SunnyD]

This was brought up in my program during the individual psych evaluation. They went into my support network a lot. And they brought up whether or not my spouse was supportive. They outlined the common relationship difficulties when one person has the surgery. They didn’t mention divorce rates specifically, but I looked them up. There are reports from two large studies in Sweden that back up the idea that over time WLS people who are married have a higher divorce rate than non-surgical obese folks. But they reiterate what my therapist said that the weight loss kind of puts a magnifying glass on the relationship. If there were issues before they’ll be more noticeable now.

I feel like this is particularly true for people in a relationship where they were verbally criticized for being overweight, and then after surgery were criticized for being to thin. That’s about control...

Here is the news coverage on those studies: Weight-loss surgery tied to increases in divorces, marriages

And here is the study data reported by NIH:

Associations of Bariatric Surgery With Changes in Interpersonal Relationship Status: Results From 2 Swedish Cohort Studies

Is there an association between bariatric surgery and changes in relationship status?In this study of 2 large Swedish cohorts with long-term follow-up, bariatric surgery was associated with increased incidence of divorce and separation as well as increased ...

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov

I, too, have been with my partner since we were 16 (summer camp romance). He’s seen me at every size and watched me battle. I asked him in the car today about the change in my assets and bra size. He said, “The best thing about your breasts is that they are attached to you.”

My spouse is neurodiverse and not usually romantic. But that kind of surprised me in a positively sweet way. I don’t know what the future holds. This pandemic has kind of numbed everyone in my household, but I’m pulling for all of us to be as healthy as we can.

 

[ajf55]

Don't give up your Weight Loss Journey, U worked to Hard. Its your Health, U chose to make yourself Healthy, so U R around for your kids & grandchildren in the future. And also to feel good about yourself & look good. We all need that.

The Weight Loss Journey is Not easy at all as U know. U did terrific, your husband is being Self-Centered. Maybe he should be having the Surgery. I think if he lost his weight he would feel better about himself & in turn keep cheering U on. Maybe deep down he is Jealous of all your Hard Work, thinking he could Not do it himself.

When I decided on my Surgery, the 1st thing my husband said was R U doing this for yourself, I told him yes, he said then do it. He met me thin so I'm sure he would like to see me thin again & feeling better w/ some relief of all my pain. He just says he himself could Not be so discipline, he says he gives me Credit. He just wanted to make sure I was Not doing it for him, b/c he said he loves me either way. He is not heavy maybe a 15 lbs overweight, but it hardly shows.

I think like others here, U need to try Couples Counseling, hopefully he will agree, what do U have to lose. Or try talking him into Surgery. Heck U will be there to help him succeed. It will make mealtime easier as U all can eat the same thing. It will be good for the kids to know how to Eat Healthy so they do Not have to go through Obesity problems themselves. Teach them now. Maybe present this to your husband to help your kids futures.

Good Luck I hope things change for U. Don't gain it back to make others Happy. U have the right to be Happy, No one likes to be called Fat!

 

[gzar]

Sorry that you or anyone else is going through this. While only your spouse holds the truth of this, it sounds to me like he has serious insecurity now that you are obviously drawing the eye of more men, and he feels unable to compete.
My wife has gotten a number of unwanted remarks like "better keep your eye on him" from friends n family, and its very uncomfortable even though it was meant as a compliment. So maybe he has heard stuff like that, too. Maybe even his friends are looking at you and the making googly eyes at him and saying "dayuuuuuum"
Id suggest counseling

 

[Jewls]

I am blown away!! This is my first time reaching out on here and I am so thankful to all of you!! Incredibly helpful! I’ll try to get back to some of you more specifically soon, but just know, I truly appreciate your time and support. I would like to share pics. Are they safe on here?

 

[dianeseattle]

Absolutely safe. And you can put them in albums that represent your former and your present self.. You can also include your doggy or Kitty or pictures of wilderness you've explored. Go nuts!

 

[TraceyT]

Hello. I’m new here and 2 years post op. I found a post by chance that others have dealt with what I’m dealing with. My heart is in a lot of pain. My husband of 20 years no longer finds me attractive. He isn’t turned on by my new body. Misses my ass & boobs. He says he still loves me though! Is that good? I don’t know. I love him and we have 3 young boys together. He’s still very overweight and has diabetes/ sleep apnea. He swears it’s not a jealousy thing - he really thinks I looked better before. Honestly, the reaction I get from most people is that I used to look better at 245. I guess people liked the old me better, but I like the new me. It’s still ME inside. It’s so hard ...I’m more me then I ever was, and I feel the least loved.....identity crisis ..self esteem suffering. I’m not about 130 and I feel so much better.

Anyhow, he says “I’ll find new ways to find you attractive besides physical” and says “it doesn’t matter, I’m committed to you” ..,I’m not so sure. Isn’t intimacy important? I guess intimacy is still possible, but how am I to feel about it? Embarrassed? Yuck.

I don’t know what to do. At first I thought it was a deal breaker, but maybe it will just take time?? It is a huge drastic change for him too. Again....we have been together a looooong time. I’m 40, and we have dated since 16 years of age. We’ve grown up together. He was here when my mom died. He is the father of all 3 of my children. Lots and lots of history.

Kind advice, direction, opinions, and guidance are welcomed. Even if it’s hard to hear.

Best to you on your journey.

I truly believe that your spouses reaction is more common than not. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Is it possible that your husband is embarrassed because you've lost A LOT of weight and he hasn't? Perhaps he feels Self-conscious. embarrassed because he doesn't know what to do.

I'm a true believer that love can survive a lot of things - intimacy is an integral part of marriage. You may need to see a marriage counselor or just a counselor for you to talk with.

I wish you the best of luck through all of this!

 

[Mama Bella]

I can relate in the reverse. My ex and I married in college. After our first child was born he began to tell me I was fat at 123Lbs. (103 pre baby). over the next 10 years I gained 10 lbs more. Then he used my weight as an excuse for lack of sexual interest. We did have a second son and with WW, Fonda and a good friend to share the process with, I managed to get rid of the second pregnancy fat and back to 123, 18 months after the birth.

He is from South America and a college professor who was gone with work to Europe and South America many times for Jan or Summer breaks from 4-8 weeks. I never became fluent in Spanish. At year 6 in the marriage I found a photo, while unpacking his suitcase, of he and 3 other professors at a conference in Spain. Standing there holding a white dress shirt looking at the photo I detected a different cologne scent on the shirt and a look on his face I had not seen in a while. I knew he had had an affair. We were going to live apart but he agreed to to a commitment to our marriage, counseling and trying for a second child.

18 months after our son was born he he got an international phone call in Spanish. Those were the days of kitchen wall phones. I was getting dinner out of the oven, the conversation was happening a few feet away, when it hit me that he was having another affair only it was with a man.

When I confronted him he said he was bisexual. He promised me he would end the affair (after all the man lived in another country), more counseling (without the real issue of his sexuality) and a recommitment to our marriage.

I am an old fashioned Catholic who believed I was married for life and committed to my family. That I had to trust in God that there was a reason greater than I could understand that this was happening. There was no one to talk to all those years.

In the 29th year of marriage my parents both were in ill health. My mom was having cancer surgery and I went to help. The three weeks intended stay evolved into 5 1/2 months due to my father's cancer and hospital stays, my mom needing dialysis and a second surgery.

All this time, I had the most supportive husband a wife could wish for over the phone. Until two weeks before I was scheduled to return home, over the phone, he informed me that when I returned he was moving out. He had put a deposit on a condo in a high rise downtown and that all our friends knew we were separating because, "You have been gone to long"! As if I had been on a holiday. I felt gut punched and have no idea how but a calm came over me. I asked if he had told the boys, no he had not. I told him he had better tell our friends the truth because I would.

I returned home for three months trying to make it work. Eventually we lived apart for three years before officially divorcing. He is still in the closet and eventually did not speak to me because I did "out him" to a his sister and a friend when I got tired of being blamed that my depression ruined our marriage. After decades of trying to understand and make a marriage work he was painting me as the buy guy for taking care of my parents. The depression ended with the marriage but the self esteem issues remained.

I was the parent who openly talked to and taught our sons, while growing up, that it is just how we are born and that it is not a choice. That they knew people who were not straight but had to hide who they were because of society, culture, professional reasons and many felt guilt and shame for not being able to opening be themselves in life.

You have to understand that my issue with my ex was not that he is gay or bi. The problem with my former husband was that he was never honest with me and I am not sure with himself. He is a very private person. Yes, having affairs with the opposite sex has a different dimension, especially for my generation, but it still is a betrayal to our vows. I never berated their father to my sons but only with adulthood have they been able to understand the complexity of the situation. They have grown into men who accept their father and others for themselves with prejudice.

Caterina

 

[sharontx]

This is the type of situation where it is almost impossible to give advice. The problem lies in someone else's mind, not yours. You did the right thing because you wanted to be healthier. You also might have wanted to be more attractive, and there's nothing wrong with that. I can't believe people are actually saying shit like that to you.

However, I can believe that your husband misses your old boobs. It was the end of my relationship when I lost weight and my boobs went from being DDs that were falling out of my bra and were still DDs but fit nicely in my bras. My boyfriend liked my body before more than he liked my body after.

If you want to stay in your marriage, you're going to have to find a way to deal with this. And I don't have any really good suggestions for you except couples counseling. However, I think men who are always looking for big breasts may have Mama issues. I've always wished I could have stayed at a C cup. But the only reason for that was because I didn't like the kind of man I attracted when I got up into the D and DD territory.

A couples counselor would have the perfect thing to say about this. But I don't think your husband is going to change his stripes. He should be aware however that this hurts you and that he is being mean not to celebrate your weight loss and all the possibilities of great Health that it brings.

And let me ask you: do you feel as attracted to him now as you did when you first met? Are there things about him that have changed and become less desirable to you? It doesn't usually just go one way. Right now he's in control because he's got you upset. But he should get a taste of his own medicine. Or at least he should know that you love him regardless of the way he's aging and the things he isn't anymore, including being young.

Is there any possibility that he's not being straight with you? I mean, do you think it's possible he might feel betrayed because he's still fat and you're skinny? That happens all the time but people don't always want to express it because it seems even worse than saying "I really miss your boobs."

Since you have known each other for so long, how come you didn't know this? It doesn't matter. All that matters is that it's here now and it's hurting your feelings. You have done something really amazing. Please don't let ignorant people ruin this experience for you.

Wonderful responses from you all to Jewls. I only wish I could be as articulate as the members of the group are, excuse me for that.
I am a total relationship failure and I feel so bad that anyone is told by someone else they are not attractive because they don't have the same upper body characteristics. I know Jewls you look fantastic and feel much better with your weight loss.
Maybe I should not even say this, do feel as though when kids are involved it takes an extra level of stick with it ness, BUT someone else WILL FIND YOU ATTRACTIVE. I think that is his problem, that you will meet Jaime from Outlander and be swept away.
I really wanted to tell Diane that one of my favorite new things is that I had to buy B cup bras, formerly D. Maybe that is considered a NSV?
I was really happy and like being more of a B than a D.
I do have huge mental confusion when someone tells me "you look great", my first thought is "you mean I look different", I just don't recognize it like I know I should. I have not internalized that I am not the same as before surgery although I can see the number on the scale and the clothes that I can't keep my pants up because they are too large.
Wonderful open honest sharing from the group, thank you all for that, it is hard I know.

 

[Tokash]

I can relate in the reverse. My ex and I married in college. After our first child was born he began to tell me I was fat at 123Lbs. (103 pre baby). over the next 10 years I gained 10 lbs more. Then he used my weight as an excuse for lack of sexual interest. We did have a second son and with WW, Fonda and a good friend to share the process with, I managed to get rid of the second pregnancy fat and back to 123, 18 months after the birth.

He is from South America and a college professor who was gone with work to Europe and South America many times for Jan or Summer breaks from 4-8 weeks. I never became fluent in Spanish. At year 6 in the marriage I found a photo, while unpacking his suitcase, of he and 3 other professors at a conference in Spain. Standing there holding a white dress shirt looking at the photo I detected a different cologne scent on the shirt and a look on his face I had not seen in a while. I knew he had had an affair. We were going to live apart but he agreed to to a commitment to our marriage, counseling and trying for a second child.

18 months after our son was born he he got an international phone call in Spanish. Those were the days of kitchen wall phones. I was getting dinner out of the oven, the conversation was happening a few feet away, when it hit me that he was having another affair only it was with a man.

When I confronted him he said he was bisexual. He promised me he would end the affair (after all the man lived in another country), more counseling (without the real issue of his sexuality) and a recommitment to our marriage.

I am an old fashioned Catholic who believed I was married for life and committed to my family. That I had to trust in God that there was a reason greater than I could understand that this was happening. There was no one to talk to all those years.

In the 29th year of marriage my parents both were in ill health. My mom was having cancer surgery and I went to help. The three weeks intended stay evolved into 5 1/2 months due to my father's cancer and hospital stays, my mom needing dialysis and a second surgery.

All this time, I had the most supportive husband a wife could wish for over the phone. Until two weeks before I was scheduled to return home, over the phone, he informed me that when I returned he was moving out. He had put a deposit on a condo in a high rise downtown and that all our friends knew we were separating because, "You have been gone to long"! As if I had been on a holiday. I felt gut punched and have no idea how but a calm came over me. I asked if he had told the boys, no he had not. I told him he had better tell our friends the truth because I would.

I returned home for three months trying to make it work. Eventually we lived apart for three years before officially divorcing. He is still in the closet and eventually did not speak to me because I did "out him" to a his sister and a friend when I got tired of being blamed that my depression ruined our marriage. After decades of trying to understand and make a marriage work he was painting me as the buy guy for taking care of my parents. The depression ended with the marriage but the self esteem issues remained.

I was the parent who openly talked to and taught our sons, while growing up, that it is just how we are born and that it is not a choice. That they knew people who were not straight but had to hide who they were because of society, culture, professional reasons and many felt guilt and shame for not being able to opening be themselves in life.

You have to understand that my issue with my ex was not that he is gay or bi. The problem with my former husband was that he was never honest with me and I am not sure with himself. He is a very private person. Yes, having affairs with the opposite sex has a different dimension, especially for my generation, but it still is a betrayal to our vows. I never berated their father to my sons but only with adulthood have they been able to understand the complexity of the situation. They have grown into men who accept their father and others for themselves with prejudice.

Caterina

Not that what happened was ok but it is also not ok to out somebody. It can take years and sometimes never for gay/bi people to accept and be honest with it.

 

[Mama Bella]

Not that what happened was ok but it is also not ok to out somebody. It can take years and sometimes never for gay/bi people to accept and be honest with it.

Tokash, I would most hardily agree. It was not intentional vindictiveness but a spilling out of emotions from the care of my parents after all those months and decades of never defending myself or speaking up.

Which is why I lived with his secret for decades and raised my sons with an understanding of why people could not live openly. Never speaking of the elephant in the room (believing it was his secret too tell) in counseling; defending him to my parents and to our friends for his actions in other areas.

Actually his relationship with his sister is better because she suspected (telling me that their father always knew) my friend said he always knew but did not want to hurt me, thinking I had no idea. It turned out to not be as much a secret as either or us thought.

There is much more to the story (as there always is). For example, I took care of him and helped him through the panic attacks when his lover was dying and he was afraid he was also infected. I had to make the arrangements for his testing at a private clinic so the college health insurance would not know. Oddly when we separated, a gay couple I worked with, came to tell me that my husband was gay. They thought I should know the truth. My biggest supporter has been my transgender cousin and my sons.

I never told my sons; waiting for my husband to tell them. My ex spent years blaming me for our marriage problems to them; I never trashed him to our sons. As mature adults they have been very supportive as they better understood our marriage and each talked to their father about his sexuality.

The years of my ex telling me I was fat (when I was not) and that he was turned off sexually to my body destroyed my self esteem and self imaging. It began me self medicating the pain with food. During the first decade of learning of his affair with a man,, when he said he was bi-sexual, he had me convinced that me being fat was the reason he cheated.

It took a while to find the right counseling to help rebuild my self esteem. I shared my story here because I met others in a support group who also had weight issues, both over and under weight, from similar marriages. One of those women suggested I share my story here because as she said, "There are more of us than people think, especially among the retired. Not talking about it keeps us in our own closet."

Even with a new life, and understanding my old life in my head, the old triggers to overeating are still there. Your stories and support are helping me to not react to the triggers in the same way. Caterina

 

[Liddithepup]

Hello. I’m new here and 2 years post op. I found a post by chance that others have dealt with what I’m dealing with. My heart is in a lot of pain. My husband of 20 years no longer finds me attractive. He isn’t turned on by my new body. Misses my ass & boobs. He says he still loves me though! Is that good? I don’t know. I love him and we have 3 young boys together. He’s still very overweight and has diabetes/ sleep apnea. He swears it’s not a jealousy thing - he really thinks I looked better before. Honestly, the reaction I get from most people is that I used to look better at 245. I guess people liked the old me better, but I like the new me. It’s still ME inside. It’s so hard ...I’m more me then I ever was, and I feel the least loved.....identity crisis ..self esteem suffering. I’m not about 130 and I feel so much better.

Anyhow, he says “I’ll find new ways to find you attractive besides physical” and says “it doesn’t matter, I’m committed to you” ..,I’m not so sure. Isn’t intimacy important? I guess intimacy is still possible, but how am I to feel about it? Embarrassed? Yuck.

I don’t know what to do. At first I thought it was a deal breaker, but maybe it will just take time?? It is a huge drastic change for him too. Again....we have been together a looooong time. I’m 40, and we have dated since 16 years of age. We’ve grown up together. He was here when my mom died. He is the father of all 3 of my children. Lots and lots of history.

Kind advice, direction, opinions, and guidance are welcomed. Even if it’s hard to hear.

Best to you on your journey.

My heart goes out to you. I suffered the reverse- I lost my marriage primarily because he was no longer attracted to me. We tried counseling 3 times and still failed. I wanted to be beautiful- beautiful in my mind! What I mean is, maybe you’re marriage is meant to end. Maybe not. I suggest you do deep soul searching as to what you want. And then go from there. Above all, be happy with you

 

[Mama Bella]

Bless you both Jewls and Liddithepup. No matter what the level of rejection or the reason behind it is, it still "hurts to the core of your being". What a wonderful example of strength and determination you both are for people like me who are pre-op.

During my first marriage I had settled for less and less as the years passed and ate more and more.

All marriages are different. Jewls I suspect you and your husband are both facing adjustments you might not have expected. Is there such as thing as a partner support group? This is new territory for the both of you. On top of that you have been going through this while dealing with a pandemic.

Change is hard for many of us and sometimes others are threatened by change. They sometimes only see us in a limited way or it is easier to want you NOT to change than for them to be honest about themselves or the fear that you will outgrow them. Not that I am saying that obesity/weight loss is an addiction, but my friends who have been sponsors in AA for many years have expressed similar comments from friends and family when they committed to living their lives alcohol free.

Only you know if, what you get from a relationship, is enough for you. Please don't let others judge you or hold you back from being all you can be.

My experience is that sometimes the right therapist is not found the first time. Hang in there. It is worth the effort to get sound professional advise.

Later in life, May West, a gutsy witty broad, said, "I still have an hourglass figure; only the sands have shifted".

At 71, I see myself as a work in progress and hope that over the coming months there will be less of me to love. My husband is looking forward to a wife that no longer avoids the camera, is not embarrassed to be seen as she is, who is healthy and happy. Caterina