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Marriage after surgery

C

corysalazar

Member
Ok, so this one has been on my mind for as far back as even before having the thought of doing this surgery. My biggest worry isn't about the surgery, but what happens afterwards. I'm in a good marriage with my husband but I've seen first hand what this surgery does to a relationship. It worries me what the future will be for us. I can say that we are both really good at communication and we always know when it's time to bring in a marriage counselor in to help us through difficult times, but I can't help but worry about how this might change us. I'd love to hear some stories from others on how they were able to get through the aftermath with their spouse/significant other.
 
Cory, I am no expert on this I am twice divorced so obviously I’m not but the one thing I have learned is communication is key to a good marriage. Are you both having surgery? Have you talked about how is your husband going to be jealous of other men looking at you? How will you feel when you lose the weight and he is still the same size? Is he going to be supportive or try to sabotage you? I know if you are an athlete or fit person for example, you want to be with someone else who is like minded. Will he accept eating what you will be eating? Will he go on walks with you? It is hard for someone to work so hard for something and not be supported and encouraged. Have you had your psych evaluation yet? We all need to deal with the things that made us overeat in the first place. But sabotaging people can run us off course. Think about these points and see if it helps you with your personal feelings and your husband’s thoughts and feelings. I think it is great that you already use a councilor. It is great you both can recognize when you need help and get it. You are doing a great job.
 
Thanks for your comment RN2Big! Both my husband and I are on our second marriage so we know the signs of a failing marriage. When we got together we had a goal as to how we wanted to treat each other and what we wouldn't put up with, so yes, communication is pretty good between us. He came with me to the meetings in the beginning of this process so he could become more aware of what to expect. He's been supportative of me but the eating part is something we're both going to have to work on because we do enjoy going to dinner together. He's currently researching what to expect as far as what I'll be able to eat after the surgery, so that again is a way that he's trying to be proactive. He's started taking long walks to help him with getting more active. I don't think he would try to sabotage my efforts but I think we'll struggle at first, which I think is probably normal in the beginning. I did go for my psych eval a couple of months ago and this was something that we talked about. My husband had some concerns because my sister had the same surgery and basically quit her business and left her husband as soon as she started to lose weight. She claimed she wasn't happy in her marriage, even though to the family it never looked that way. She now spends her weekends out at the bars and hanging out with girlfriends. For me, I feel I am beyond that. My reason for this surgery is due to my chronic acid reflux, not because I feel the need to see a better body in the mirror. Not to sound conceited, but through my adult years I've had attention from men and I feel that it isn't a big deal to me now because I've had those days of going out and getting attention. Maybe I'm over worrying about this because now that I think about it, we do have a solid marriage, we communicate well and have no problem addressing issues that arise with a marriage counselor if needed. I think my sister's situation makes it a little overwhelming as to what will happen to us but we're not her or her husband and I guess that's just how we need to look at it. :)
 
just a quickie, cory. you said

"Not to sound conceited, but through my adult years I've had attention from men and I feel that it isn't a big deal to me now because I've had those days of going out and getting attention."

IMO, men are dogs. They don't look at you with real admiration but with lust. I had loads of that and mistook it for something important. There are very few REALLY good men & you're lucky if you got one of them.

If you want to measure a real compliment, listen to the women in your life. Find the ones who are jealous of you. listen to the doctors who are amazed at your physique. These are real. Like it or not, women compete for men, just as men compete for women.

I've had a few good men in my life and my son is such a good guy, I wish he could find a substantial mate among his generation. All his women have been beautiful, but stupid & unfair & passive-aggressive. His late father, however, was a dog disguised as a ray of sunshine. So cute, so kind, so vulnerable, such a hard worker. But he was cheating with me on a wife I didn't even know he had. I didn't even find out until he lured me 2,000 miles away from home on a promise of marriage. Later he showed himself as a drunk and physically abused me twice--once when I was very pregnant.

My kid is nothing like that, but it is REALLY hard to find a good man. I will never marry again (a huge percentage of available men were killed in Vietnam and the ones who came back were drug addicts & crazies who got veteran preference, then shot up post offices in the 1980s and 1990s, as you will recall). But I believe if you were lucky enough to get a good one and you both know how to share & compromise, you will have no trouble at all. and that sister... she has no business drinking alcohol. But her problems are hers & I hope you can detach. My little brother was like that & he's dead now.

Trust your man & rejoice in his being! Love him up, then let him take care of you when you need it. ugh, gone on for too long. You're lucky.
 
dianeseattle said:
just a quickie, cory. you said

"Not to sound conceited, but through my adult years I've had attention from men and I feel that it isn't a big deal to me now because I've had those days of going out and getting attention."

IMO, men are dogs. They don't look at you with real admiration but with lust. I had loads of that and mistook it for something important. There are very few REALLY good men & you're lucky if you got one of them.

If you want to measure a real compliment, listen to the women in your life. Find the ones who are jealous of you. listen to the doctors who are amazed at your physique. These are real. Like it or not, women compete for men, just as men compete for women.

I've had a few good men in my life and my son is such a good guy, I wish he could find a substantial mate among his generation. All his women have been beautiful, but stupid & unfair & passive-aggressive. His late father, however, was a dog disguised as a ray of sunshine. So cute, so kind, so vulnerable, such a hard worker. But he was cheating with me on a wife I didn't even know he had. I didn't even find out until he lured me 2,000 miles away from home on a promise of marriage. Later he showed himself as a drunk and physically abused me twice--once when I was very pregnant.

My kid is nothing like that, but it is REALLY hard to find a good man. I will never marry again (a huge percentage of available men were killed in Vietnam and the ones who came back were drug addicts & crazies who got veteran preference, then shot up post offices in the 1980s and 1990s, as you will recall). But I believe if you were lucky enough to get a good one and you both know how to share & compromise, you will have no trouble at all. and that sister... she has no business drinking alcohol. But her problems are hers & I hope you can detach. My little brother was like that & he's dead now.

Trust your man & rejoice in his being! Love him up, then let him take care of you when you need it. ugh, gone on for too long. You're lucky.
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corysalazar said:
Thanks for your comment RN2Big! Both my husband and I are on our second marriage so we know the signs of a failing marriage. When we got together we had a goal as to how we wanted to treat each other and what we wouldn't put up with, so yes, communication is pretty good between us. He came with me to the meetings in the beginning of this process so he could become more aware of what to expect. He's been supportative of me but the eating part is something we're both going to have to work on because we do enjoy going to dinner together. He's currently researching what to expect as far as what I'll be able to eat after the surgery, so that again is a way that he's trying to be proactive. He's started taking long walks to help him with getting more active. I don't think he would try to sabotage my efforts but I think we'll struggle at first, which I think is probably normal in the beginning. I did go for my psych eval a couple of months ago and this was something that we talked about. My husband had some concerns because my sister had the same surgery and basically quit her business and left her husband as soon as she started to lose weight. She claimed she wasn't happy in her marriage, even though to the family it never looked that way. She now spends her weekends out at the bars and hanging out with girlfriends. For me, I feel I am beyond that. My reason for this surgery is due to my chronic acid reflux, not because I feel the need to see a better body in the mirror. Not to sound conceited, but through my adult years I've had attention from men and I feel that it isn't a big deal to me now because I've had those days of going out and getting attention. Maybe I'm over worrying about this because now that I think about it, we do have a solid marriage, we communicate well and have no problem addressing issues that arise with a marriage counselor if needed. I think my sister's situation makes it a little overwhelming as to what will happen to us but we're not her or her husband and I guess that's just how we need to look at it. :)
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I think we all remember a time that we were able to turn heads. It saddens me that my weight changed that and I don't get as good customer service being heavy. But we are all on the track to change that. I think how we feel about ourselves is what comes out. I think your sister still needs the reassurance and feeling wanted is why she wants to go out to the bars and with her girlfriends. If we are confident in ourselves we don't need that kind of attention. Your sister is still insecure. You have a good man and know how rare that is to find as Cory said. I will tell you that I had the band and the thing I remember in the beginning thinking "It's not fun to eat anymore" like I had lost my best friend. It will not be fun for your husband when you enjoy eating out that if you do you can't eat restaurant food for a little while and he won't want to eat it in front of you. That will be hard for both of you. I told my sister we need to find things to do to get together that doesn't involve food. I need to go over and walk her dogs with her and bond over something other than food. I think we all need to deal with our addiction with food to solve our weight problems. If we can't fix that we won't be successful in our weight loss journey. That was why I asked about the psych eval if that addressed any of that. I go to mine in 2 weeks so I will see. Just communicate with your husband on your feelings along the way. You both need to be honest on how you feel about different steps in our wt loss. Good luck! I know you and your husband will be a role model marriage on how to keep the marriage alive through this.
 
RN2Big said:
I think we all remember a time that we were able to turn heads. It saddens me that my weight changed that and I don't get as good customer service being heavy. But we are all on the track to change that. I think how we feel about ourselves is what comes out. I think your sister still needs the reassurance and feeling wanted is why she wants to go out to the bars and with her girlfriends. If we are confident in ourselves we don't need that kind of attention. Your sister is still insecure. You have a good man and know how rare that is to find as Cory said. I will tell you that I had the band and the thing I remember in the beginning thinking "It's not fun to eat anymore" like I had lost my best friend. It will not be fun for your husband when you enjoy eating out that if you do you can't eat restaurant food for a little while and he won't want to eat it in front of you. That will be hard for both of you. I told my sister we need to find things to do to get together that doesn't involve food. I need to go over and walk her dogs with her and bond over something other than food. I think we all need to deal with our addiction with food to solve our weight problems. If we can't fix that we won't be successful in our weight loss journey. That was why I asked about the psych eval if that addressed any of that. I go to mine in 2 weeks so I will see. Just communicate with your husband on your feelings along the way. You both need to be honest on how you feel about different steps in our wt loss. Good luck! I know you and your husband will be a role model marriage on how to keep the marriage alive through this.
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I agree it's going to be an adjustment and my husband and I will need to find other ways of enjoying time together other than with food. It will be difficult but I believe it could bring us to find other interest that could be positive. The communication part is a must and I will do my absolute best to keep that the same above everything else! Thank you and good luck on your psych eval!
 
corysalazar said:
I agree it's going to be an adjustment and my husband and I will need to find other ways of enjoying time together other than with food. It will be difficult but I believe it could bring us to find other interest that could be positive. The communication part is a must and I will do my absolute best to keep that the same above everything else! Thank you and good luck on your psych eval!
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My surgery is 8/28 and I have been working through the same stuff! We've been married 14 years and I consider it a strong marriage and we have talked out fears and concerns and he's very supportive BUT he is not getting the surgery, though is seemingly on board with the change in diet with me as far as meals we eat and what food gets to be in the house. So I do worry he'll tire of the changes after a while. All we can do is keep working through it together, one day at a time. Marriage is always work, when you expect it to be easy is when problems sneak up on you. We have the advantage of knowing about this one ahead of time! We can do it!
 
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