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Over a year ... The Struggle Part 2

missyinacage

missyinacage

Member
Judy suggested a new thread and I agree. A lot of this group tends to focus on newbies. But, it seems like those of us who've just passed a year have started coming across new issues. Emotional Eating. Mindless Eating. Trouble getting/staying on track. I know we all had issues/drama come into our lives before we hit a year post-op but it seems harder to deal with this far out. I'm not sure if it's because we are less diligent or if it's those pesky hunger hormones returning to normal. Either way, I'm having a hard time getting back to basics. As you all know, I'm a HUGE proponent of measuring/tracking intake. And yet, I've found myself these past few weeks tracking 1/2 a day and then just forgetting. I know mostly that is because I'm out of the habit of doing so but I'm finding it difficult to get back into those good habits I spent the last year developing.

They say that many if not most, WLS patients gain some of the weight back after year 2. But I'm not past year 2 yet and really don't want to head in that direction if possible. I can eat a larger variety of foods as well as larger portions than I thought I would be able to after surgery. I was really hoping to not have to struggle with weight for the rest of my life. But I guess it's going to be a constant battle or at least this constant awareness of what/when/how I eat. Which, honestly, I find annoying. I really do not want to be hyper aware/vigilant 24/7/365 for ... EVER. Also, you guys were right .. measuring/weighing/tracking DOES suck :rolleyes:

I also wonder if part of it may be that last year was really all about ME and MY journey. Now, other things are cropping up and I don't seem to be as willing or able to set it all aside for my own well-being. I was very self involved last year and honestly, it worked out great lol BUT you can't really stay in a self involved bubble forever either.
 
Well said Missy. And I was doing the same thing, tracking what I ate for half a day and then get sidetracked and not do it anymore.

And I agree about that time was "me" time and my family pretty well respected that, especially after I had been so sick. I think my daughter withheld a lot of her problems during that time and I was really able to concentrate on myself. These days she dumps everything on me, often going into far more detail than I would want to hear. We were also in lockdown, so I didn't need to get out of the house too much. But now, since she doesn't have a car, I am always on the go running her places as well as my granddaughter. It's easy not to become the priority anymore.

Tomorrow I've decided to start with a fresh notebook and while I'm not quite sure how I am going to set it up, I have a few vague ideas. I hope that in seeing my thoughts in black and white it might help me follow through. Time will tell.
 
I wonder if this were 2 years ago and we were physically where we are now, if this would be as stressful. I know that life will always throw the odd curveball and stressors are waiting to pop up all the time. I guess for me the pandemic, it’s continued stress on everything, my personal frustration with the lack of community the nation has been in, trying to figure all this out with 3 kids who have a million questions about everything going on, it’s just A LOT! But then again 2 years ago was one of the most devastating times in my life. So maybe not. Maybe it’s about remembering why we all made the choice to have the surgery. The choices that got us there. The really long, hard look in the mirror. I see a different face, but it’s the same brain, same emotions, same past. It’s incredibly difficult to rewire our brains, but that’s part of this process I guess. We rewire then it tries to go back to how it was, so we try to rewire again. I don’t think the effort will ever go away. The constant trying and remembering, but it’ll just get stacked on top of everything else we all have going on.
 
My mom moved in at the beginning of the pandemic. My aunt had just died and she could not afford to live alone. She's always had arthritis but basically just ignored all medical advice and "sucked it up". Between lockdown and her general attitude of it was "her turn" (my aunt required a lot of care). her ability to walk has declined to the point that she only gets up from her chair, does a 1/4 turn (which takes 10 minutes) sits in her rollator and scoots to the bathroom. Or the wheelchair, if we have a dr. appt.

Well, this morning, I woke up to an ambulance crew banging on my door; she had called them because she could not get out of her chair. And now she's in the hospital because she refuses to stand, she is literally screaming and crying "I can't". And maybe she can't. But she could yesterday. And she could actually walk in May. The ortho surgeon said he can't do knee replacement it at her current weight, since he doesn't believe she will be able to even do the PT needed to walk after.

Anyone who has arthritis knows that not moving is the worst thing you can do; everything locks up. I am not unsympathetic to her pain but she does literally nothing for herself,. I wake up, turn on my bean grinder and she starts screaming my name. And it's just "get me/help me/do something" all day. She has lymphoedema clinic 2X a week, wound care (edema related) every 2 weeks, pain management, GP and ortho every month. And, since she hasn't lost a pound in the 6 months the surgeon gave her to lose 50lbs, we just started the weight loss surgery program for her. So, more appts/tests etc for me to schedule, and get her to. I am booked up through OCTOBER .. LITERALLY.

I'm not sure how much more I can take. Truly. And it's really not as easy as "Put her in a home" She has no other health issues, aside from the arthritis and the swelling due to lack of movement. And they've run all the tests. I have always been a big fan of the saying "Your emergency is not MY emergency" but when its your mother, and you're an only child, who's emergency IS it?!?!? No matter what I do, it's not enough.

All this to say, I currently have all the feelings; which pre-WLS, I dealt with using food. Aside from all those feel-good endorphins food gives out, food stops the feelings, and the never ending thoughts. When I'm eating I'm not thinking, I'm just enjoying my moment. I don't have to feel guilty that I'm not helping her or that I'm growing more resentful by the second. I mean, surely I can take a few minutes to EAT, right? I'm finding it super difficult to remind myself that was my previous life and food does not actually HELP me. Fortunately, being run ragged has kept my gain to only about 5lbs. But how quickly I gave up on my 2lb range commitment ... And quite honestly, I think I'd better serve myself by taking those 'extra' minutes and getting a therapist. Or a home health aide. Or both. More phone calls for Monday.
 
Missy I’m sorry for all that’s going on with your mom. It is hard when you’re the only child. My husband is the only child, and when his mom was going through cancer treatment, hospice, and passed a lot of it fell on his shoulders. All I can say is I hope your mom starts to improve mentally and physically, so you can find some peace again.
 
Oh Missy, I read this and just cried. I guess it just hit home for me. While our situations are completely the opposite, mine are with my daughter who has bipolar disorder, there are lots of similarities.

I've been doing nothing for myself lately. I am totally unbalanced. My 13 year old granddaughter and I took a class offered at our library on Chakra this week. I realized how unbalanced I have become and I am struggling to get that back. Today I have decided that it is a "me" day and I hope I can stick with it all day.

I am helping my daughter apply for SSI again. She had this when she was in her teens and I've finally talked her into reapplying. She can't hold down a job because of her disability. She has been suicidal numerous times this past year and has done a lot of self-injurious behaviors such as cutting her wrists or injuring herself with punching solid objects or kicking them. Her arthritis from those injuries have taken it's toll. She is 33. She can't drive because her license was suspended due to DUI several years ago. So I am constantly running her places as well as my granddaughter. She is in a relationship that can't withstand her ups and downs of the bipolar and is considering leaving it once again.

She is not on the correct meds and I just finally got her to accept that. I could go on and on but I won't bore you with all the details. She is needier than an adult should be and she emotionally drains me. Like Missy, I may be considering therapy myself as I definitely have been going back to old eating habits.

Oh, and the p.s. is that she keeps talking about moving back out of state but leaving her 13 year old daughter with me to raise during the teen years. I love my granddaughter but after raising her mother during those years I don't know if I have it in me to do it again. PSTD sets in because my daughter was expelled from school and had to go to residential school during that time. It wasn't an easy time. Think of your normal teen and multiply it by 100. I raised her older brother but nothing he did prepared me for what was to come. The cops knew us as we were frequently visited by them during her frequent "out of control" episodes.

Anyway, Missy I totally understand all too well. And elderly people tend to give up when they get to a certain age, so that doesn't make it any easier. Much like my daughter gives up almost on a daily basis.

We can't pour from any empty cup, can we? I totally agree that you should go with a home health aid to give you some respite. I think we both can benefit from therapy. The very least we need to claim time for ourselves. Praying that tomorrow is better for us both and that we can navigate these difficult times without using food to get us through. (((((hugs Missy))))
 
Agree with you both! I am so sorry for what you all are going through. I hope you can find some peace.

On the therapy topic, I jumped back in. Little hard to find someone, they are booked up believe it or not. I hope it helps me a bit. I am diving into my Emotional Eating reading, I am not really there yet, I don't have a grip. I do see my behaviors described in the readings, I need to connect all the dots. I am not working with the therapist on food, I am concentrating on my other issues (plain old crazy, raging co-dependent and it gets worse).
I don't want to regain so I need to get my brain in order. I still feel pretty worthless and not valued, maybe I can make that better.
 
JudyNY said:
Oh Missy, I read this and just cried. I guess it just hit home for me. While our situations are completely the opposite, mine are with my daughter who has bipolar disorder, there are lots of similarities.

I've been doing nothing for myself lately. I am totally unbalanced. My 13 year old granddaughter and I took a class offered at our library on Chakra this week. I realized how unbalanced I have become and I am struggling to get that back. Today I have decided that it is a "me" day and I hope I can stick with it all day.

I am helping my daughter apply for SSI again. She had this when she was in her teens and I've finally talked her into reapplying. She can't hold down a job because of her disability. She has been suicidal numerous times this past year and has done a lot of self-injurious behaviors such as cutting her wrists or injuring herself with punching solid objects or kicking them. Her arthritis from those injuries have taken it's toll. She is 33. She can't drive because her license was suspended due to DUI several years ago. So I am constantly running her places as well as my granddaughter. She is in a relationship that can't withstand her ups and downs of the bipolar and is considering leaving it once again.

She is not on the correct meds and I just finally got her to accept that. I could go on and on but I won't bore you with all the details. She is needier than an adult should be and she emotionally drains me. Like Missy, I may be considering therapy myself as I definitely have been going back to old eating habits.

Oh, and the p.s. is that she keeps talking about moving back out of state but leaving her 13 year old daughter with me to raise during the teen years. I love my granddaughter but after raising her mother during those years I don't know if I have it in me to do it again. PSTD sets in because my daughter was expelled from school and had to go to residential school during that time. It wasn't an easy time. Think of your normal teen and multiply it by 100. I raised her older brother but nothing he did prepared me for what was to come. The cops knew us as we were frequently visited by them during her frequent "out of control" episodes.

Anyway, Missy I totally understand all too well. And elderly people tend to give up when they get to a certain age, so that doesn't make it any easier. Much like my daughter gives up almost on a daily basis.

We can't pour from any empty cup, can we? I totally agree that you should go with a home health aid to give you some respite. I think we both can benefit from therapy. The very least we need to claim time for ourselves. Praying that tomorrow is better for us both and that we can navigate these difficult times without using food to get us through. (((((hugs Missy))))
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Judy, I am so sorry for you as well. My heart goes out to both of you. It is unfortunate that becoming a caring person puts us in such a vulnerable stressful position. You care too much too much to let your loved ones hurt, but pay the price yourself. Definitely get therapy.
 
Aww, Judy, I had hoped that this would work out better for you. I know you were worried about exactly this kind of experience when you agreed to let her move back in. It's so awful when the person needing help is an adult. You can't control their decisions/behavior but still have to deal with all the consequences. There don't seem to be any good options available and so we end up taking the best bad option, or worse, the easiest bad option, because who has the energy for anything else?!

I am so sorry that you are going through this. But your words; "We cannot pour from an empty cup, can we?" really resonate today. Nothing I have tried to date has given me more than a few drops, which evaporate almost immediately. I think it's almost impossible to keep the cup full when the home, which is usually our safe place and sanctuary, can no longer be those things for us. I am here to listen if you need to talk or vent .. no judgement or unsolicited advise. ((Judy))
 
Thank you Missy. Today was better. I spent over an hour listening to a support group zoom from Unjury and they had a psychologist give a talk about stress, hormones and cravings to eat during those times. It was helpful.... and at least it kept me from wanting to eat poorly today. Little by little I am getting back to basics. I even exercised a little while watching the video.

I hope you have better luck trying to refill that cup. It is not selfish for us to take time for ourselves.
 
missyinacage said:
Judy suggested a new thread and I agree. A lot of this group tends to focus on newbies. But, it seems like those of us who've just passed a year have started coming across new issues. Emotional Eating. Mindless Eating. Trouble getting/staying on track. I know we all had issues/drama come into our lives before we hit a year post-op but it seems harder to deal with this far out. I'm not sure if it's because we are less diligent or if it's those pesky hunger hormones returning to normal. Either way, I'm having a hard time getting back to basics. As you all know, I'm a HUGE proponent of measuring/tracking intake. And yet, I've found myself these past few weeks tracking 1/2 a day and then just forgetting. I know mostly that is because I'm out of the habit of doing so but I'm finding it difficult to get back into those good habits I spent the last year developing.

They say that many if not most, WLS patients gain some of the weight back after year 2. But I'm not past year 2 yet and really don't want to head in that direction if possible. I can eat a larger variety of foods as well as larger portions than I thought I would be able to after surgery. I was really hoping to not have to struggle with weight for the rest of my life. But I guess it's going to be a constant battle or at least this constant awareness of what/when/how I eat. Which, honestly, I find annoying. I really do not want to be hyper aware/vigilant 24/7/365 for ... EVER. Also, you guys were right .. measuring/weighing/tracking DOES suck :rolleyes:

I also wonder if part of it may be that last year was really all about ME and MY journey. Now, other things are cropping up and I don't seem to be as willing or able to set it all aside for my own well-being. I was very self involved last year and honestly, it worked out great lol BUT you can't really stay in a self involved bubble forever either.
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I’m so very grateful you and all who are going through similar situations posted here. My stress over a bathroom remodel is suddenly placed in perspective. I’m praying for all of you for relief, and for the ability to still do what you need to do for yourself. I heard somewhere, “The heart feeds itself first.” Hard to do when what’s on our to do list looks never ending, but it has stuck with me and given me the courage to say no to some things and yes to others. Here’s to you finding your way through.
 
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