Rex, welcome. I'm 68, disabled, and suffer from PTSD, insomnia, sleepwalking and bipolar disorder. I'm recovering from a life of physical and sexual abuse, including rape. I've been the victim of domestic violence. I cut off completely from my family after my mom died. I'm one of 8 children and two of them have already died because of obesity, diabetes and heart problems. Sometimes the first thing in my head when I wake up is "kill yourself today." My only child, who I love more than life, hasn't spoken to me for for four months following a psychotic event whose repercussions are still sounding.
Turning to food is a way of embracing the Familiar, and for you, that's trauma. Every time you stuff something in your mouth for comfort you are repeating the abuses that made you fat in the first place.
You need to get out of yourself. There are nasty ghosts living there.
If you have a talent, exercise it. Make it part of your day. If you love music, dance to it in your living room. If you want to feel better about yourself, volunteer at a food bank and notice how grateful people are just to have food. Check out Craigslist for community opportunities and discussion groups. Find a 12-step group and go to meetings, whether AA, OA, CA or Al-Anon. If you're a vet with PTSD, you might find you feel worse attending those meetings. Take a class at your local community college. I suggest pottery because it's so challenging and you get to squish balls of clay and slap them down on the wheel, and use your weight to form the shapes of the pots you make.
If you love your brother, talk to him. Don't compromise yourself by doing so, but just tell him you love him and see where it goes from there. If you're angry, beat up a pillow with a tennis racket. If you still have a pillow after that, put your face in it and scream everything you're thinking into it.
Watch movies, read novels, take up knitting, offer your services to others. Get out of the house and away from food. Never eat at a restaurant or pick up fast food.
Most of all, be grateful for what you have. Black men are marginalized in our society and suffer from institutional racism But so are women, like me, and immigrants and religious groups. Sit down and make a list of all your fine qualities. Then capitalize on them by practicing your good qualities for yourself and others. The world is not a fair place but it's the only world we've got, so make it work for you.
Acknowledge your grief over losses. Even quitting a bad habit like smoking has grief attached to it, and giving up alcohol, which made everything easy, is also a loss.
Find a method of living daily life, then live it.
Stop letting your eating disorder boss you around. Demand discipline from yourself. Keep a journal of your thoughts and when you identify an obstacle there, take it apart, a little at a time. Do everything a little at a time until you build emotional strength and can handle bigger things.
And get back on your post-op diet. Ease into it, but do it. Keep a food diary to keep yourself honest. Count protein grams and calories.
Stop letting the ghosts win. You still have a lot of life to live, so if you are miserable about how you're living it, stop doing the things that drive you or trigger you.
No one can save you but you. And you can. But you have to humble yourself before the task of doing it because it isn't easy. You've come here and found us and we share your problems. We'll support you here whether you win or lose. Unclench your fists and give in to commitment. You've done it before, so you've proven you can do it.
Read through the posts here and take from them that which encourages you. Say affirmations, read helpful books about dealing with your problems and get active with addressing them. You'll never win if you let those ghosts control you.
