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Vent? Support?

Emacc08

Emacc08

Member
I just need to vent really. I mentioned before my boyfriend wasn't completely on board. He is SO supportive the closer we get to my surgery, making sure i am doing my pre op diet correctly (which is hard when he can eat whatever!) he told me hes nervous, but excited for my health. I am pretty lucky with him.

I tried to tell my mom. However she made comments before about weight loss surgery. (she has lost weight naturally, she has been heavier my whole life, but now shes working on losing weight after her breast cancer remission and i am so proud and happy for her)

The conversation was about my grandmother (she doesn't take care of herself, at almost 400 lbs, uncontrolled DM, etc) i told my mom, "if she would consider this surgery, or even making the small changes, she could have a longer life, and be so much healthier.) my mom proceeds to say "surgery isn't an option, its a way out, and doesn't work, plus there are so many hoops to jump through, its ridiculous people go through this." soooo i never did tell her what i was having done, just that i was having a hernia repair (which isn't a complete lie) and that i am doing it in Seattle so my boyfriend will be taking me. (we live 3.5 hours away)

I guess my worry is, i will be 4 days post op so stage 2 diet, and we do part of Christmas with her (she is my last parent alive). I know she will ask a bunch of questions but between her and the rest of my family, i don't want them to know anything cause i know how unsupportive they will be. So i am secretly dreading Christmas a bit more this year.

Anyways, thanks for listening, i just needed to get that off my chest.
 
I'm sorry to hear that your mom is being so judgmental. I was actually surprised by the people in my life who turned out to be not so supportive of my choice to have the surgery. Many of the people in my family are obese and so have lost significant amounts of weight "naturally" many times over, myself included. So, even from my most supportive family members I got a lot of "Why can't you just go on a diet?!?!" and other push back.

You'll also come across people who don't want to change, and therefore will never admit that surgery works. Because then they'd have no excuses. Anyone who has had weight loss surgery or even researched it knows it is NOT a way out. And your mom saying it's both a way out and yet doesn't work, just shows she doesn't really know anything about it.

I do understand that not everyone has sustainable family relationships and would never suggest someone put themselves into a toxic situation. That being said, instead of hiding your choices is it possible that you can explain and get your family or at least your mom, to understand why you've made this choice or at least respect the fact that it IS your choice? A lifetime is a long time to hold on to a secret and the fact that you feel you have to keep it to yourself may build resentment long term. Of course, no one shares all their decisions with their family members and really, it's no one else's business. I only ask because it seems, since you said you've tried to tell her, that you would actually like to share this with her and would like her support. Sometimes getting the support you need requires pushing for it. As you probably already know, since your BF wasn't initially on board.

But, to address your Christmas concern: you will be 4 days post op, even if she only thinks it is hernia surgery. You can very easily claim nausea from the anesthesia, your pain medication, or the pain itself. There is no reason you would be feeling 100% 4 days after surgery and so have a built-in excuse for a loss of appetite.
 
yes! i appreciate you advice/post! I have already thought about what i am going to say (ha i know!) I hope i can eventually be able to tell her one day. In my mind, i figure i am doing what is best for myself, and if they aren't on board, that's on them. As long as i commit to be healthy, and happy, thats all that should matter. It is so frustrating hearing the "just got on a diet." like HELLO I have tried so many, and they dont seem to work. But i also worked pretty close with my team to determine what would be the best option. I am confident in this choice, and i hope one day she will be on board. Thank you so much for your reply!
 
I knew from historical behavior that my family would come down on me and try to undermine my success if I told, so no one in my family knows I had the surgery.

It is SUCH a personal decision. There are many physical processes people don't discuss at social gatherings. WLS definitely belongs in the private column.

My family is so full of abusive, dysfunctional behaviors. I literally took the geographic cure, moving 150 miles away for the sake of my mental health. After losing 115 pounds, I was so glad I followed my instincts. Even without knowing, the mean ones found ways to insult me, or discount my success.

I have enough PTSD to deal with from childhood abuse. I wasn't about to give them more ammunition to hurt me with. (And I had 7 siblings, in addition to my messed-up, hypercritical parents, so it was 9 against 1 every day. Who wants those odds?)

Listen, there's secrecy (what abusers use) and then there's PRIVACY, which abusers violate. If you have enough self-esteem to allow yourself to have the surgery, good for you! Now, post guards at the door is your success and let naysayers pass by without comment.

Since my surgery, two of my sibs have died from lifestyle choices, including obesity and diabetes. They never talked about that. They enjoyed focusing attention on my "defects," including my imperfect nose or blunt chin. And yet... I'm still alive and healthy, because I was humble enough to see my problems and work on them, with no support from them.

It's your right to keep your decisions private.
 
Hi Ema - family can be harsh when it comes to things like this. I was very very selective of who I told and how much I told them. Six years ago - before my father-in-law from hell died - we had everyone at our house for Christmas. My FIL was a mean spirited man - he was not kind to anyone in all the years I had known him. We were opening gifts - he gave my husband a roll of duct tape with a note that said - "Apply liberally to your wife's mouth to prevent food from entering." I shit you not - that is what that mean spirited hateful man gave my husband for Christmas. My husband proceeded to toss the mean ass fucktard out of our house.

This type of comment is what prevented me from telling all of my immediate family. The comment truly bothered my husband more than it bothered me. I'm a direct or blunt person and it's not sugar coated when I say it. My FIL and I had gone round and round on more than one occasion - there was truly no love lost there.

I truly believe that "family" or friends we treat like "family" think it's ok to make uncalled for comments. I personally think family/friends should use the duct tape when they want to give un-necessary or unwanted advice.

I am very pro for only telling people you truly trust to have your best interests at heart - then again they could also spew their shit on you too.

WLS isn't a way out - or easy - or for people too lazy to control their bad habits. It's a TOOL - that helped me get to a much healthier lifestyle. It helped me get off side lines and back to living my life. It helped put me in front of the camera instead of always behind it. It helped me on so many levels with so many things. My sister-in-law had surgery 11/12. She was shamed by an airline - stating she either had to purchase 2 tickets to go see her father in Fla or she wouldn't be allowed to fly. That should never happen. They stopped flying to Fla. and have been driving for the last couple of years. She's lost almost 40 pounds since her surgery. She is so thrilled at the thought of being able to fly to Fla. and see her 95 year old dad.

Bottom line - your mom can ask all kinds of questions. It's your CHOICE if you answer them. It's your CHOICE on what you tell her or how much you tell her. Do what's best for YOU. Best of luck to you!
 
I appreciate you all telling me your stories! It really helps. My plan is simple, those who need to know, know and those who don't, obviously don't need to. (if that makes sense) If/when i choose to tell will be my choice. It makes me SO thankful to have this group because everyone has been unjudgmental and so understanding!

I am so sorry for each of your heartaches and hurts, but i am sooo proud of each and every one of you for taking the step, and continuing, to do what is best for you.

thank you so much!!
 
That is extremely frustrating. I agree with Missy though, you can’t be expected to eat or be merry 4 days post op from anything. Hopefully you can have some distance from her after that for a little bit if only for your own mental well being. You’re so close and I am SO proud of you!!
 
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