Something like this happened to me during the ascent of the pandemic two years ago. I was just freaked out all the time, and of course, turned to the joy of eating, no matter when, no matter what. I immediately turned to tracking my food, and shockingly, began to notice I was lying TO MYSELF, running into that fertile valley of DE NIAL, where everything was fantastic. My brain just flipped from caring about myself and loving my personal discipline to craving food and fantasizing about what I was going to eat next. I gained 20 pounds that year, really fast, and haven't been able to get it off since. As I was in my late 50s then, I was experiencing the lowered metabolism that comes along with age.
My suggestion to you is that you start by writing everything down, and try to associate the craving thought with the true feeling. This isn't hard to do, except your fatbrain will try to fight you. You need to really focus and be nakedly honest. You're fighting a formidable enemy, and you may not even be able to recognize it.
That's why writing it down makes tracking real, and can help you turn back the clock. I remember a moment when I realized I had used up all my daily calories before dinner, and I was still starving. Even knowing that, I desperately looked for exits so I could go back to what I believed, or had allowed my brain to believe.
So tracking is good to start, and to continue, but use tracking to establish a pattern. Don't just write down what you ate; write down what you're GOING TO EAT. Analyze it, count protein grams, ease off the fats, sugars and carbs that are threatening to come along, and accept that there's going to be a train of pain puffing along into your station, and it plans to drop off a lot more cravings.
It's unavoidable, but once you see the pattern, you need to figure out how to break it and adjust the what/when element. Then you can fill your mental toolbox with affirmations, vows, discipline and the promise of pain.
writing is tactile, which makes it more real. writing is permanent, unless you use a pencil and eraser. Writing brings thought to reality.If you're stuck, you need to find out why. If you argue with yourself, consider that you have two consciousnesses, who are equally strong and actively fighting to be dominant.
It's not easy, but the bottom line is committing to what you want. You can't get there by letting your eating disorder--and you DO have an eating disorder--drive the bus. You'll cry and scream into your pillow and try to stop, but the solution is really less painful than its problem. Decide what to eat, track it, and stop when you get to the end of your list.
I'm sorry you're in pain and feeling shame, but it's a choice. You need to get in the driver's seat and make the decisions. So do I. Obesity is proof of overeating. Maybe you can allow yourself to envision images of obese people or animals, or even acquire real pictures of yourself or others, fat or thin, pictures of the inside of the body, hearts wrapped up in fat, distended stomachs, real grisly stuff. Something will work for you but you have to allow it.