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How do we deal with people that don’t agree

My husband was very supportive but I was scared to tell my parents because I have a cousin who nearly died years ago from an botched RNY and I knew they wouldn’t be happy with my choice. I waited until only about a month out and I just told them I had made the decision and I had done all the research and I was happy with my choice. They were scared for me but ended up being very supportive...so you never know. Just be direct and matter of fact, he doesn’t get a vote.
 
Take the power back. YOU have the power not him. Try not to give him so much of your essence. No one can MAKE us feel a certain way - we do that to ourselves. Walk around with headphones on to drown him out! hahahah. Or try to find a common ground. Usually people react strongly when they are hurt or feeling self conscious. I am not saying you have to take responsibility for how he feels, but you can control how you feel and how you feed into it. I hope this helps!
 
Hey Deirdre, I have some advice for you.

Take the high road.

Obviously you have a great need and you have made a brave choice and you are going to succeed. You have everything going for you.

Compared to you, your husband has nothing. And you're going on a journey he cannot take. In a very real sense you're leaving him behind and he may see this as a value judgment about him, like he's not good enough.

If he doesn't abuse you physically and mentally, I would try to appeal to his better nature. If he were my husband I would say "Listen, I understand that you can't support me. And I accept that. So I'm not going to act out or hate you or try to make you feel guilty. I am going to have the surgery but I'm going to find support elsewhere because I respect your decision not to support me, even if I don't understand it."

If he is abusing you, then I would not take that tack. Leave as quickly as possible and don't look back. But if he's just being a dick, remember that there's a part of him that is good. It might even be a big part of him. But you are only looking at this from the point of view of your pain. You have to think of his pain in order to find a peaceful compromise.

I'm not an alcoholic, but I have studied the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, which is full of stories that will edify you. I don't have it with me right now because all of my stuff is still in storage. But there is a part of it near the back where alcoholics tell their stories and explain how they cope with conflict and one story just knocked me out.

This particular alcoholic said that what he does every day is he prays for everyone who has hurt him. He prays that they have the best in life. He prays for them to be blessed. He praise that that he can forgive them. He prays for strength but knows that he already has it. So instead of praying for himself he prays for those who would hurt him.

This is not an original concept but it is one that we all need to practice from time to time. And a blessing of wishing the best for someone else is that if they have the best, they have no need to hurt you out of jealousy anymore. It's a win-win.
 
dianeseattle said:
Hey Deirdre, I have some advice for you.

Take the high road.

Obviously you have a great need and you have made a brave choice and you are going to succeed. You have everything going for you.

Compared to you, your husband has nothing. And you're going on a journey he cannot take. In a very real sense you're leaving him behind and he may see this as a value judgment about him, like he's not good enough.

If he doesn't abuse you physically and mentally, I would try to appeal to his better nature. If he were my husband I would say "Listen, I understand that you can't support me. And I accept that. So I'm not going to act out or hate you or try to make you feel guilty. I am going to have the surgery but I'm going to find support elsewhere because I respect your decision not to support me, even if I don't understand it."

If he is abusing you, then I would not take that tack. Leave as quickly as possible and don't look back. But if he's just being a dick, remember that there's a part of him that is good. It might even be a big part of him. But you are only looking at this from the point of view of your pain. You have to think of his pain in order to find a peaceful compromise.

I'm not an alcoholic, but I have studied the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, which is full of stories that will edify you. I don't have it with me right now because all of my stuff is still in storage. But there is a part of it near the back where alcoholics tell their stories and explain how they cope with conflict and one story just knocked me out.

This particular alcoholic said that what he does every day is he prays for everyone who has hurt him. He prays that they have the best in life. He prays for them to be blessed. He praise that that he can forgive them. He prays for strength but knows that he already has it. So instead of praying for himself he prays for those who would hurt him.

This is not an original concept but it is one that we all need to practice from time to time. And a blessing of wishing the best for someone else is that if they have the best, they have no need to hurt you out of jealousy anymore. It's a win-win.
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I must say that you brought me back to reality with your response. I haven’t even told him about my decision to have the surgery because any time I open my mouth to attempt to tell him, he yells at me for no reason or he finds a way to make the focus on him. I’m not going to compete with him anymore. I’m going to finally let go and let God. Right now I just want to have the surgery and be about me. Not really going to discuss my decision with anyone anymore. I’m going into selfish attitude and get back to where I was some what happy. He’s now trying to be nice to me but I refuse to believe him anymore about anything. I’m tired of being on an emotional roller coaster in this relationship. I’ll be happy when I can go file for divorce
 
Bdeirdra said:
I must say that you brought me back to reality with your response. I haven’t even told him about my decision to have the surgery because any time I open my mouth to attempt to tell him, he yells at me for no reason or he finds a way to make the focus on him. I’m not going to compete with him anymore. I’m going to finally let go and let God. Right now I just want to have the surgery and be about me. Not really going to discuss my decision with anyone anymore. I’m going into selfish attitude and get back to where I was some what happy. He’s now trying to be nice to me but I refuse to believe him anymore about anything. I’m tired of being on an emotional roller coaster in this relationship. I’ll be happy when I can go file for divorce
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I'm proud of you! Have your surgery and know that it is empowering, and you deserve the best!
 
Bdeirdra said:
He pushed and pushed until I finally reacted. Had a locksmith rekey my door lock and didn’t give him a key so now I’m just waiting for the next step
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The Next Step should be The Next Step should be requesting what they call a civil standby, where a police officer comes to your house and watches over you while your ex gets his stuff out of your house. He has the right to have the clothes he needs and she shouldn't have to pick them up from the sidewalk or dig them out of the dumpster. I know that you are looking for support. But I hear that you are very very angry. I cannot say this strongly enough! Take The High Ground. At least you can do something that is fair, even if he can't. He is entitled to what he owns but you are entitled to protection and a witness while he collects his things.

Once this has happened, you can consider it over once and for all and there would be nothing in your way.

but right now you are chained to but right now you are chained to this man with the links of rejection. You really need to break the chain and I mean really. You need to stop thinking about him you need to put something else in your brain. This kind of feelings can sabotage your weight loss. Do not go into this joyous occasion loaded down with all kinds of baggage.

What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly.

Richard Bach,
Illusions: The Adventures of a
Reluctant Messiah
 
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