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I am so angry all of the time

desertgirl

Member
I have gotten help here before so I thought I would try again. Ever since my surgery I have been so emotional. Now (4 months out) I am angry all of the time. Every little thing makes me angry. Now some things should make me angry but not to the extreme I am feeling it. Is this all just part of the process and too will pass? Let me give you some background at what is getting me so angry. I remarried in 2009 and moved up here to the High Desert of California. I left my job and my friends in Utah. My husband has 2 boys who still live with us. The oldest is 41 and has the mentality of a 12 year old. He is capable of doing much: drives, can work construction, auto mechanics and such. In my opinion he thinks this house is his and I am an intruder. He locks his bedroom door whenever he leaves the house. He has outside cameras so he can see what is going on outside the house and makes snide comments about what I do outside. He is very dirty even though he showers every day. He doesn't change his dirty clothes so he smells. Now we have addressed the stinkyness of it all. He refuses for me to fix up the bathroom which is in the main part of the house and is the one guest would use. He claims it is his bathroom and don't touch it. Instead of curtains on the window he put strips of blue tape on it so the sun won't bother him. He never cleans his bathroom. He eats and leaves the leftovers on the table or counter so he can have it the next day. I can continue but I won't.
The next son is 30 years old and stays in his room. He does not socialize. He is mentally and emotionally handicapped. He uses the bathroom which is upstairs and never cleans it. There is a hamper but he would rather throw the clothes on the floor. I once cleaned this bathroom and it took me over 3 hours. The bath mat was stuck to the floor and I had to peel it up. It took 3 floor washings with bleach to clean the floor. He was very upset with me that I cleaned it.
Now almost 3 years later the bathroom is still a disaster. The tub is black along with the sink. I was so sick when I peeked. I told the dad, my husband and and well .... Nothing ever gets better. I can't stand the stink.
In the past I was able to handle things like this but not anymore. I know you are thinking what does this have to do with bariatric surgery but it is only recently that I have no tolerance for this type of stuff.
Is it me, the results of surgery, or just life?
Please help.
I would need a book to describe all the **** that goes on here.
 
Hi Dessert Girl, it is good to hear from you. Wow what a situation you have shown enormouse restraint over the past few years. I know what it is like to have a son that has disabilties, my son has learning and emotional disabilities, he to if I would have let him he would live in a stye and not clean up after himself, I always had to set bounries for him, he was to keep a clean bathroom and pick up after himself in the common areas I let him do what he wanted to his bedroom, it always looked like a tornado hit it. My final straw with him is when he turned 18 and decided he didn't need to go to school because he was 18, he had special day class so it wasn't that difficult, his mom wasn't going to havew him at her house if he wasn't going to go to school so we found a group hgome for him, that was about 4 years ago, his mom let him move back in with her recently but I am staying out of it. So I really do know some of what you are feeling.

It sounds like you have been putting up with this for a while. Now that you are losing my guess is you are starting to feel better about yourself and living in conditions you have described do not fit in with that very well, I have found since my WLS I have kept the house cleaner taken better care of my lawn and even painted a few rooms to spruse up the place a little bit. So it may be time for some family counciling to get to the bottom of what's going on, I doubt you will be able to get your kids to go my son always hated counciling but it was needed because of his medication. If your husband doesn't want to go then go by yourself so you can get some help dealing with the emotions because sometimes we cannot do it alone, that is one reason we had WLS because we couldn't do it ourselves without help. So with the new us comes new emotions. I hope everything works out for you. :cool: Tom
 
Hi Desertgirl, It seems to me that your husband and Father of these two MEN (they are not boys) needs to support you in your desires to have a clean house. These MEN are not going to listen to you. Prior to surgery I bet you didn't feel like cleaning and now you are feeling better and becoming more active. I notice that now that I have lost some weight and like Tom am keeping things up much better. I hope you have your own bathroom and don't have to use either of the ones you describe. I am one of those people who like my bathrooms and kitchen "death bed clean" as one of my instructors described how some people were. Where is your husband and why doesn't he support you? Is there any outside support? Do either of these two MEN have a girlfriend? Are you expected to cook for them? Do they know what a washing machine is for? Have you managed to make some new friendships since moving away from Utah? I love the high desert in California. I have a niece and an aunt who live out there and I love to visit them.
 
I have to agree with Javajoy. These are 2 adults you are dealing with. From what you describe the younger of the 2 may have a reason for being the way he is. Regardless, the common denomonator in this is the FATHER of the 2 grown men that has allowed this behavior to happen for 40 years. He needs to become involved in correcting the bad habits that are happening here. The 2 "boys" may see you as the intruder because you are the new person in their lives. This is still no reason for them to behave and live in the manner that they do. You married into this family and accepted by their father as his mate and should be treated as an equal. It's obvious that this will never happen so you have some decisions to make my friend and I'm sure I don't need to spell these out to you. Good luck and please let us know how things are going.
 
Tom,
You are an amazing man. I really think that you do understand my situation and made it very clear to me why this is happening now. You are so right. The better I feel the more I want my surroundings to reflect that.
I would love to chat more about things when they come up because I think you have been there. Are you on facebook? I am and if you are please contact me: Natalie Hall Summit Valley California. I see you are also from CA. But I have no idea where Yreka is. Any where near the High Desert, San Bernardino?
Thanks again
Natalie
 
Hi Javajoy,
Thank you for your reply. You are so right-they are men and I think should act like men. Richard my husband does support me but doesn't really follow through in a timely fashion. Yes, I do have my own bathroom. I am becoming how you described "death bed clean". I really don't understand that expression. No girlfriends! You see, Richard does support me but he is stuck in the past when the psychiatrist told him he had to tread very lightly with the men because they both tried to commit suicide. I just think time is up and now I am cleaning the house my way. No more pussy footing around.
Thank again.
OH, it looks like you had your surgery two weeks after mine and we are pretty neck in neck with weight loss. You are doing great!
Where in the High Desert does your family live?
 
Hi Pat99,
Is your name Pat? You are my RNY sister. You seem to be doing really great. I am very pleased with my weight loss. I have the largest arms and they just won't go away as the rest of me. Well, I really appreciate your comments. You are right and that Richard (dad) should have dealt with these problems many, many years ago. Richard is supporting me and the little men will be told that I am organizing and cleaning their bathrooms twice a week. I think that should be often enough. Whether they like it or not this is being done. I wrote out a list of house rules and Richard will present it to them and then if desired we all will discuss it. However no changes will be made.
Are you on facebook because I would really like to chat more. If so I am Natalie Hall from Summit Valley, California.
Look me up
Thanks again and you are doing great.
Natalie
 
Hi Natalie, My niece is in Barstow, and my Aunt is in Lake Isabella. I believe those are both in the high desert, I know I have to drive through the high desert to get to both places. I seem to be at a standstill on weight loss at the moment and will probably get another fill next week. I tried to find you on Facebook and couldn't. They keep changing the system and I haven't added anyone recently. My name is Joy Vaccari and i should be easy to find. You are doing great, too! Have a great evening! Joy
 
Desertgirl-Although I have a Facebook account I rarely use it. Feel free to send me a PM or email me anytime. I will send you my email address in a PM. I had a thought that I would like to put out there. Why doesn't dad roll up his sleeves and get the "boys" to clean their own bathrooms??? It probably won't be as spic and span as you would do them but it will be a heck of a lot better than what you are looking at now and over time it will improve with their regular cleanings. These guys will NEVER learn a thing if you sweep up behind them. It will just reinforce the fact they have not been held accountable for any form of adult responsibility. I would rather let them live in their own stink then do what you are trying to do. The only exception I would make is if they approached me and genuinely asked for my help if they needed to learn how to clean something but they would still have to do the brunt of the work. I was raised by a working single mother (widowed) and all of us kids had chores, even the boys. The older we got the more responsibility we were given, and there was NO allowance either.

You must be a saint to clean up after adults, especially a male bathroom. The way you describe the bathrooms sounds like they are biohazards. You have a stronger stomach than I, my surgery twin
:) :) :)
 
Tom,
You are an amazing man. I really think that you do understand my situation and made it very clear to me why this is happening now. You are so right. The better I feel the more I want my surroundings to reflect that.
I would love to chat more about things when they come up because I think you have been there. Are you on facebook? I am and if you are please contact me: Natalie Hall Summit Valley California. I see you are also from CA. But I have no idea where Yreka is. Any where near the High Desert, San Bernardino?
Thanks again
Natalie

Hi Natalie, I am on Facebook or there is a link on my profile that you can reach me on my email, I searched for you on facebook but there are a lot of Natalie Hall's and I am not to good at searches for things LOL:rolleyes: Yreka is in far north california up near the Oregon border about 15 miles from Oregon and 40 miles from ashland and medford. :cool: Tom
 
Oh, that is way north of me. If you so desire, Me, Natalie Hall is standing under an EASY STREET sign. If you so desire to give it another go.
Thanks for your "happy, positive attitude".
 
I am in no way a saint and my husband will attest to that. I would rather keep and maintain the bathrooms after they deep clean it than go through this every year. Richard has tried to teach them to clean. Since I have been here he has done it several times but there is just no follow through. Also this way I can design the atmosphere-err-the decorating-so it doesn't look like a storage room bathroom . And where there is a place to put everything. I hope I don't regret it in the future.
OH NO I DON"T: I almost threw up! My stomach is not strong that's why I did take such a fit.
Thanks surgery twin
 
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