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Partner had RNY and I need help

A

AnonymousInTX

New Member
Hello :)
I am here because I am looking for help, my intentions are not to offend anyone who has had the surgery, but I need help coping too and dont know where to get help. My fiance had surgery about 3 months ago. I was nervous and scared because I had read many stories of divorces and break ups due to the surgery. However my fiances health and well being was more important to me, so we decided it would be best for him to go through with the surgery. He assured me he would never leave me, we would be okay, he would remain humble. I tried to believe it but had my doubts. Of course he was going to feel better about himself, his confidence and health would be greatly improved and for that I am thankful. But he is not the same person and I am heartbroken :( I understand he i more positive and goal oriented and wanting to remain healthy...but I am healthy, I exercise, eat right, and encourage him. He has already lost nearly 100 pounds, more than the doctor expected in this amount of time. He feels great, but he has become extremely moody. He gets angry at everyone over nothing. If you tell him you are proud of him or that he is doing great he snaps and says he doesnt need to hear it because he already knows. He takes his anger out on me and his parents, the people who love him more than anything. He admits he gets very angry, very quick. I have suggested support groups or counseling and he refuses. He says he can't stand to hear people whine or complain so he won't go, but yet he does the complaining, if I simply tell him about something bad that happened on a certain day he flips out that I am complaining, and Im not Im just simply telling him what happened. There is no talking to him anymore, he only hears what he wants to hear and the world revolves round him, Ive been doing nothing but being supportive, caring for him, finding recipes and just anything I can think of to help him and its never enough. He says I dont love him, but when I tell him I do or how great hes doing it angers him, but if i dont tell him he still complains. Everything is my fault, I never do anything right, he says he is going to leave me because I annoy him, he says he gets so much attention from other females he doesn't need me. Ive been her through thick and thin (no pun intended), but through everything, and he doesn't care about my feelings anymore. One day he ignores me the next day he is loving, then back and forth. I dont know what to do. Is this normal behavior after surgery? I understand emotions can be out of whack, but his are terrible and he refuses help. Even suggesting help gets him angry. I don't know what to do, all I know is I love this man, and promised I would be there for him, but its becoming impossible, I am so depressed, hurt, and don't know where to turn, I am miserable. This may have made his life much better, but its destroying mine. I know I could easily walk away and be much happier because I wouldn't have to deal with the horrible treatment he is giving me, but I love him. Any ideas what I can do or should do? I hate to leave when he needs me the most, but his treatment is so bad I can't sleep or eat because I dont know what is going to happen. If I even try to talk about us he says he doesnt need me if I dont like the way hes acting and he'll have a new girl in no time. This is hurtful to me, this relationship has never been equal its always been me doing everything, but its only gotten way worse. I just want my best friend back, the man I love. Dont get me wrong it has been a blessing for him to get healthy and I feel so selfish for feeling this way, but what has happened to him mentally? I just don't understand how he can be so mean to those helping him. I'm sorry I didn't mean to sound rude or offensive, but I just want to know if this is normal behavior and if so how long do these mood swings last? Is it permanent? Im just so confused, I would think he would feel better being healthy, so why so much anger? I would be grateful for any help or advice. Also I cannot mention counseling again because he would rather walk away than try to get help for us.
 
I'm certainly no expert in this matter and this is the first post of this nature I have seen but I will do my best to help. First, commend yourself for being so supportive and understanding. No one deserves to be treated the way you are being treated. I suggest you arrange an intervention and make sure to invite everyone who has been affected so that it is evident that this is a widespread concern. During the intervention it needs to be made perfectly clear to your fiance that he is loved but needs professional evaluation to determine if he is having a breakdown, perhaps as a result of his rapid weight loss. 100 pounds in three months is a lot of weight to lose even after bariatric surgery. I wish you both the best of luck. Make sure to come back to the forum to let us know how both of you are doing.
 
He is threatening you with your own fears, let him see if he can find some other female to put up with his behavior. You need to be the strong one now, don't let him do this to you. I feel he is probably severely depressed and needs help. You cannot make him see anyone, but you can remove yourself from the situation. "I hate to leave when he needs me the most", think about that statement you made there, he seems to be doing just fine berating the people he supposedly loves. My advice to you, be strong, stand up to him, leave the situation, and get some help for yourself. You cannot make him change, no matter what you do.
I am sure this sounds harsh, but the reality is, he is making your life miserable and only you can change that.
 
Hi AnonamousInTX, My heart goes out to you. First off you have done nothing wrong and I hope you know that. If he wont get help please go see a councilor for yourself and explain it all to them just like you have with us. I am on board with Pat and Ladybicknase in that he has lost a lot of weight and he may be depressed, so an intervention may be needed but please do noy attempt this without the help of a profetional interventionist and they will only help after talking with the everyone involved.

We all have different reasons for the WLS but most of us want to be healthy and that is reason number 1, but there are also other things we want, like to be thinner, higher self asteim, and to feel good about ourselves and when that doesn't fall into place depression can set in. So if he is unable to help himself (we men have pride and think we don't need help) then please see a councilor and see if there is a way to help him. My thoughts and prayers are with you. :cool: Tom
 
Partner needs help

23 years ago my husband went through severe trauma following a cranial surgery. His personality changed dramatically. He was just plain old mean to me. No not physically but emotionally he basically destroyed the marriage. Our son was four years old at the time and I naively thought my husband would "heal" and be back to his old self (my father had cranial surgery for a tumor when I was eight years old -- there were some changes in his personality but things seemed more normal again after 6 months) . I sought counseling for myself as he refused to participate. It took 11 years and one emotional affair (on his part) before he would talk about his changes with any calmness. When he was initially recovering, he said he didn't have any sex drive at all and he asked me to move into a separate bedroom. So I had that challenge to deal with also. We have now been married 35 years, our son is grown and we are grandparents. I have to admit even though we had some good times, my overall feeling is that I should have left him 20+ years ago. He is basically a good man,father and grandfather but I can't forget all the nasty, mean things he said about me and our marriage.

Only you know how bad your situation is and how hurt you feel. I would suggest getting some counseling for yourself. It's good to have someone who is outside the situation and who is able to be objective.

Good luck. (If you are wondering how I got on this site---I had the sleeve surgery on June15, 2012)
 
Dear Tx Anon,

I wonder if hormones have been effected? I don't feel like myself at all 2 weeks out. What I learned in a Cancer Caregiver Support group was to ask specific questions. Rather than how are you doing - what are you feeling. Tell me what you need for support from me?

My heart goes out to you; my spouse had 2 cancers between 2008 - 2010. He doesn't seem to be the same person anymore either.
We've gone & need to get back into counseling. He doesn't understand what specific support I need from him perhaps because I didn't give it to him but didn't know at the time.

I have fears that my husband won't be able to deal w/my necessary lifestyle adjustments & leave me too though he's reassured me he won't.
He thinks I'm paranoid, truth is I'm scared of so many things right now.

I'm told it will get better as time passes but I need to get through now to get through later and I don't want to resent him later.

It's complicated and life altering, so many emotions, so much to do.
Perhaps it's overwhelming handling all the new things on a schedule & seeing others still do their thing as has been.

I've been angry that I let myself get so heavy that it came to this to save me; I'm ashamed of myself & disappointed that this is my way to a longer, healthier life.

Hope some of this may be helpful or food for thought.

We are all definitely sympathetic of your situation & please come back for support anytime. You're a brave and caring person; don't change.
 
Hi Mary, I know you sometimes we want to blame ourselves for our weight gain but with age and metabolism changes it is not completly our fault however some of our bad eating habits or in my case bordome eating or stress eating had been a contributing factor. When I was a young child I was a hefty boy when I gotr into highschool I was able to increase my activity level to lose the weight but as I aged it all came back. There is no reason to be ashamed or dissapointed that we had to have WLS to be healthier, it is a tool that has been given to us from the wonderful doctors and our creator who guides their hands, it is still up to us to take care of ourselves.

I watched my wife go through cancer treatments and a stem cell transplant and then a relapse, we can never know how to help our spouse go through that, we can only be ther for comfort, I am so glad he was able to beat it. I am sure he will be ther for you and all the fears you are going through may be similar to what he was going through although not exactly the same.

Make sure to call your doctor about the night sweats, it may be hormonal, but I don't know a lot about that stuff:rolleyes: Hang in there it gets better. :cool: Tom
 
Hi There,
What I am going to say is going to seem harsh. However you need to get out of this situation. From what I read it is abusive. No matter what anyone has gone through physically or emotionally it is NOT okay to berate someone else. Let alone someone who has been bending over backwards to help them. He is not worth the pain and suffering that you are going through. I know you love him but it doesn't make any of that behavior okay. Stand up for yourself, walk away, heal and move on to better things. I know this is easier said than done however you deserve to be treated 1,000,000 times better than you are. Sending you prayers and strength.
-Becca
 
I have never heard of this behavior as a result of the surgery. He has some mental issues to deal with...and you are on the receiving end of the crap.

I agree you need to seek counseling from a professional. I would not venture to say "leave him". I'm not there to know 100% what is going on or what he and you are going through on a daily basis. You sound very caring and giving...however, as my husband says (and it pisses me off), it takes 2 to tango. Although from what you are saying it sounds like he is the crux of all this, remember.... No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.

From a woman's standpoint..men never see themselves as we do. Most men think they are gods (sorry Tom, no offense intended....LOL...I'm not addressing you). I am sure 99% of the men out there think they could find another woman in a heartbeat when the reality is...NO FRIGGIN WAY!!!!! Mean is mean. Who the heck wants to deal with that? And, just because a man isn't fat, doesn't mean he is attractive. So....don't let that drag you down too much.

I wish I had a magic wand I could wave and make it all better. I am no doctor. I am no one special...just a woman thinking to myself, he'd better not come around me with that attitude....cuz I ain't playin' the game. *smiles*

Please keep us up on what happens. We care as much for the significant others as we do the patients! Be safe and take care.

Letrell
 
What a story. Well one of the most powerful things about this online location is the power of the group. Here are a group of folks that you can't see yet they reach out and offer great ideas and help.

What I can offer is my story. I lived with a man for seventeen years (I can't even believe I did it) that was the way your mate is. He had no excuse of weight loss. He was an alcoholic and basically just a mean person. Why it took me so very long to figure out to leave is still a mystery to me. I lost so much of my time on the planet with such a man. But the advice to leave is good. That is if you can. Many times when in that type of situation you are convinced (by your mate) that you are so inferior that no one else would ever love you or appreciate you. Well they are wrong. That you have suffered under this and are still trying to make it right proves you have a great heart and are still trying to make things right.

The sad part is it may not be possible. One person has already stated that he is the one with the illness (not related to the weight loss but perhaps aggravated by it) and you would be best served by getting away. That is if you can. Realize, as I finally did, that abuse does not have to physical to be painful and harming. Verbal abuse is just as wrenching. I hope you have some outside support system and can find some help.

I was "rescued" by a wonderful man that saved me from my horrible situation who loved me and wisked me out and married me. That was fifteen years ago. We are still happy and in love.

You have reached out to this forum. It is an excellent start. I am sure there will be much good advice forthcoming. Read and follow what you think you should do. But be safe and take care of yourself. He needs help from his doctors.

Best of luck to you and keep in touch!
 
Sounds like you need to get moving on your life and not be so focused on his. You can not live his for him. Anyone that treats you that badly is not worth it. Life is too short to deal with verbal abuse. Sooooo many fish in the sea.... Let him see if anyone else will put up with his selfishness and verbal crap. No, this is not normal behavior-it is just his plain selfishness. His head is still in the "living to eat" and not "eating to live" faze. My husband lost 165 pounds rny and is in training for triathalons and is so happy he has lost the weight and has supported my weight loss as well. Your guy needs wake up and smell the coffee and support you!!!! He needs to focus on EXERCISE and his endorfins will rise and he will be a much happier person. Get him a bike!
 
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