Support from spouse, or lack there of

[Dreamz64]

I was ready and wanting to get this surgery done over a year ago, but my husband didn't like the idea, and I didn't have his support, so I canceled my appt a year ago April. Of course I gained another 20lbs during the past year, so I said the heck with him, this is about ME and I am going to do it. I am "tentatively" scheduled for bypass in July and hubby has been Ok, but not great! I have already started changing my eating habits and doing what my dietitian has told me to do and have done very well with it all, however the other day, my husband asked if I wanted to go get an ice cream cone, and I told him I didn't want one, but would go with him for the ride.... He actually got mad!! After talking to him about it, he FINALLY admitted that he doesn't want to loose his "eating partner". I had wondered all along if that is what his problem was but I cant seem to get him to understand that if I keep eating the way I have been, I wont be around to be his eating partner for long anyways! He is slightly overweight himself, but because he is such a big guy "ole farmboy turned corrections officer" he actually looks funny when he looses more than 10-20lbs. I know that he loves me the way that I am, but I don't love me, and if I don't love myself, its hard to love anyone.

Has anyone else ever run into this with their spouse? I know he wouldn't do anything to sabotage my journey, but it would mean so much to me if he was more on board and more supportive of my decision. He is a very intelligent man and knows that its for health reasons, current and potential future ones, yet he is just not on board with me 100%.

Any suggestions?

 

[Jayhawkgirl]

My husband and I were eating buddies too. We both have the same bad habits. Much of this was from before we were married and then being comfortable with each other just made these habits worse. Some days my husband makes obvious efforts to eat more healthy...I suspect because he's seeing the changes in me and trying to be supportive and also because he knows he should loose weight too. Other days, I watch him eat junk and cringe, because I want him to live a long life! But, I don't harp at him, because I know it's got to be his decision to make changes in his own habits.

Has your husband gone to any of the informational meetings with you? My surgeon required at least two (aside from other things) before the surgery. My husband came to the first one and we discussed what type of surgery we thought would be best for me. My situation was different. Although I thought about surgery for years, it took getting hit head-on by a drunk driver last April and realizing how lucky I am to be alive to really start taking better care of myself! I found that even after physical therapy, my joints...specifically my knees and ankles, were sore if I stood or walked too much. The swelling continued to be a problem. I decided that I can't do anything about the permanent bruising and what looks like swelling but is actually tissue that's been moved in my legs, but I CAN do something about trying to make them feel better. I started working out on a more regular basis and then realized that wasn't helping and I was still sore. Since I had my surgery and have been taking off weight, I don't have sore knees or ankles anymore and I work out 30 minutes 5 days a week! I can shop and do a lot more without any soreness anywhere! I don't need my CPAP machine anymore and in general, I feel a TON better (pun intended!) I think arguing the health benefits is the way to get your husband to support you more.

I like to tell my husband he's stuck with me...now I'm just making sure his "sentence" is a LONG one! My husband has mentioned that he's thinking about the surgery for himself now! I told him that if that's what he wants to do, I will support him in any way I can. He's "waiting" to see how I recover and what kinds of problems I may have as a result. (So far none, so that won't be a good excuse not to do it! ) I may think it's best for him, but I think it's important for him to come to that conclusion! Again, I've told him that our marriage is a LIFE sentence and I want it to be a long one for both of us! Good luck!!

 

[Javajoy]

Jayhawkgirl,

I love your attitude. I agree that your spouse needs to attend the seminars and support groups with you. It really helps because sometimes the spouses have great questions. May you live long and enjoy the life sentence. Joy

 

[lacey]

Dreamz64....I know exactly what you are going through. Years ago....my husband was heavy, but he is very tall. So no one ever said that he was over weight, but he was. I would try so hard to get him to lose weight with me on whatever plan I was doing that year ( weight watchers etc...) He would get so upset with me that I would not want to go out to eat or that I did not want to go to Dairy Queen. There were times that I wanted to slap the snot out of him. He would be somewhat supportive...never enough.
Unfortunately for him, due to a health issue, I almost lost him 8 years ago. During that time, he lost a good deal of weight. Now, he is thinner by far and ready to be supportive. BUT, he can eat whatever he desires and gain no weight.
So we sat down and discussed this surgery in length and he knows that without this, I will not have a long full life. I weigh 230 pounds. That is 100 pounds more than I should. That taxes my body and strains my heart. I told my hubby that he had to go to my group nutrition meeting with me. The one where you first learn what you are cutting out for good. How to read labels and what your grocery cart should look like. He agreed to go without hesitation. We joked a little when the nutritionist showed us the size of the dinner plate that I am to use, it is the same size my 3 year old grand daughter uses. But anyway, together we listened and we learned. "I am willing to change, are you? " He of course said yes. Your husband needs to understand that he will be eating healthier to live longer for you and your family. If you do not have his support, I feel worried for you. He can always eat larger portions than you do. My husband still hits the Dairy Queen, I don't mind. Talk to your husband one on one. If he is not going to go to your nutritionist with you, talk to your bariatric liaison to see what he or she suggests. Lacey

 

[fkrebs]

Jayhawkgirl, My wife has been my biggest supporter. She even suggested that I get the surgery, what she didn't know was that I'd already looked into it and was going to bring it up to her. However, sometimes she forgets, like when we were in Cancun back in February. When we ate, she would offer me some of her dessert, without thinking. I always refused, politely of course. She didn't realize what she was doing until we discussed it when we got back. All you can do is make the choices that you know are right for you. I believe that once he sees the healthier, happier you come out, he will sing a different tune. Stay strong and remember only you can make the changes for a longer, healthier and happier life. Good luck.

Frank

 

[CALQL84HEALTH]

Dream67 I have to agree with everything everyone has stated thus far. I have a husband that has never been more than 10 pounds above his ideal weight. It took allot of nerve and well guts to tell him I wanted to do the surgery. I invited him to the classes and every doctors visit. He is probably getting tired of talking about it all the time but he does not show it. We have been married for 24 years so he understands that if one of us is unhappy the house is unhappy. It has paid off and to my surprise he has not said a word about my weight. He goes to all the appointments with me and asked me how things are going. It is a necessity to have someone support you. You have to find a way to talk to your husband. If not him then by all means find a support team of people you can trust and turn to when things get hard. We are all here for you but sometimes you need to talk to someone in person.
Best wishes and keep us posted
Sharon

 

[lacey]

Dreamz64- I read everyone's responses, including my own. Let me just say that I will be here for you, as much as I can through this site. I am willing to talk to you one on one. If you want to give me your phone number, if you need to talk to someone that understands what you have struggled with. I am here. But I must advise, that based on personal experience from just dieting, if there is a non-supportive person in your household making it difficult on you, it will be just that....difficult.
Your husbands actions, although unconsciously, probably not intentional, will destroy your efforts eventually. The small successes that he gains in breaking down your dieting successes will turn to larger successes for him and eventually, he will win out. I tell you this from experience. If he is not 100% behind you, I feel you will not succeed. I am NOT trying to discourage you! Just the opposite, I want you to get him to see how much he needs to be on board with you. I want you to succeed.
You need him 100% with you. Just like anything else in our marriages, it is 100/100. Whoever said marriage was 50/50, was a dumb ass. Marriage is definitely 100/100. All of the time. I am sure that all major decisions are discussed in your household. This is one of the biggest. Gather all of your info. As you said, he is an intelligent man, explain why you need him to be 100% on board with you. Explain that you can be buddies at things that are so much better than being eating buddies. Wouldn't he love to have a bed buddy? Do you know how much your sex life will improve when you lose weight? It is true. When I was my ideal weight, I felt so good and had so much confidence, life in general was great. But the sex, YEAH Baby! You tell him that! Vacation buddies. Longer life buddies.
Honey, if none of this works, then I suggest that you tell the surgeon or the liaison the truth about the support issue. Find out their suggestion. I am here for you as we all are. Best of wishes my friend. Lacey