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Discouraged and Upset

B

Barbara J.

Member
My gastric bypass surgery is scheduled for this coming Monday. I was just having a conversation with my husband and he made the comment to me that "if I regained my weight, he was going to be really cuss word, cuss word". He's never talked to me in that manner. I'm totally crushed that he did. It's so totally unlike him. What are the chances that I'll regain my weight? I don't want to go thru the surgery and then fail. I could sure use some advice and encouragement right now.
 
Hi Barbara,

Sometimes I think men (especially husbands) think they are being supportive and helpful and don't realize how badly they hurt your feelings. My husband used to do things like that every once in a while and he was normally the sweetest supportive person you could want. He never understood that losing weight is not something I could do on my own and he did not support my desire for WLS. I should have listened to my gut instincts and gone on with the surgery over three years ago.

Try explaining to hubby that this is not the way to support you in your endeavors. Remember, you are doing this for yourself not for anyone else and suggest to him how you want to be supported. Besides it is inconsiderate of him to talk about weight gain when you haven't even had surgery yet. Let him know that he will have to support your change in eating habits and help you with better choices and not complain when you don't fix meals like you used to. He will become healthier in the process as well.

Good luck and don't let these things discourage you. Get the surgery and go from there and handle one problem at a time.

Joy
 
Barbara, I read somewhere recently that normal-weighted people weigh themselves regularly and make immediate adjustments. Overweight people weigh themselves regularly and tell themselves "wow, I only gained 3 lbs over the holidays!", or "I only gained 10 pounds this year!". If you change your mindset and become a normal-weighted person you will adjust your food intake and exercise to keep in a healthy range.
I'm guessing your husband has seen you gain and lose over the years and is just afraid that WLS is just another *really expensive* diet. Like my hubby used to say "don't tell me, show me".
 
Barbara-Your hubby is probably a little scared over the surgery. Most guys I know aren't very good about communicating their feelings and end up saying things they really don't mean. I'm a widow and when I was about to have a major surgery back in 1986 my husband never said a word to me about how he was feeling. I ended up finding out through other's how nervous and upset he was. I'm sure in time things will smooth out. In the meantime come here for support and understanding. We are all in this together :) :) :)
 
Barbara,
As far as encouragement, omigosh, you've come through this process, which may have been six months or more from start to finish, and you're stepping up to the surgeon's table in a matter of countable hours now.

If you go into this thinking of failure you will scare yourself at every weight shift, every time you hit a plateau where your weight stays about the same (which is ever 3 to 4 months for some).

It's hard to have faith in yourself when your closest support person seems not to have faith in you. Think about why you are doing this procedure. Ultimately, I knew I was doing it because I wanted to spend more years with my husband—healthy years where he wasn't pushing me in a wheelchair or watching me in pain. You've come this far. He's had months to think about this. If family knows, and friends know, he may be feeling a bit of pressure to perform—only he can't perform, you have to do the work. That is frustrating to others when control is out of their hands.

I have to agree that he's probably saying "cuss words" to vent his fear, concern and worry. However, this isn't acceptable behavior. If he hasn't done this before, perhaps take a drive with him to take pictures of autumn and mention that you've come so far already with all the testing and process. You're nervous, excited, scared—all of it. Then open it up for him to say how he feels. If he didn't go with you to the information sessions, if he hasn't read the materials, if he doesn't realize it is a long haul and you're not going to be entering a marathon the day after you get home from the hospital, his expectations aren't informed and he could feel let down even when everything that is happening to you is normal. Ask him if he has questions to ask the surgeon, the dietician, the other staff involved. Ask him if he'd like to go to follow up appointments and perhaps a bariatric support group meeting after the surgery so you both can get some real feedback and have a place to test whether your own and his own expectations are real. You might ask very directly what his expectations are.

I suggest doing this in a car because most people hate the phrase, "Can we talk." And then they sit on opposite sides of a table, which feels like a confrontation, too. Automatically both of you will be nervous and defensive. In a car, you're side by side, which is non-confrontational. In a car there aren't many if any distractions or ways to just blow it off and walk away. And you can start with how you're feeling and thread into the conversation something like, "I feel like I understand the process of surgery and after surgery. Is there anything you'd like to ask the surgeon or nurses?" Then perhaps, "I'm glad I have the surgeon and dietician to make sure I remember everything. It's going to be so strange to be unable to eat just a simple peanut butter and jelly sandwich when I'm tired." Because bread becomes goo and isn't something that goes well with that little hole in the bottom of your pouch and your dietician wouldn't want you to have the carbohydrates.

If you can, more toward the end of a conversation, if he's participating, mention that you were shocked that he cursed at you, but even more than that, it made you doubt yourself. I'd want to get that across before the surgery, but if he cusses at you afterward, cut him off with, "I'm not one of the guys and I really don't appreciate your choice of words." It's direct but not an attack.

I'm getting wordy. I'm sorry. I'm a certified mediator and sometimes I get carried away.
 
I'm sitting here in tears, and I just got out of bed this morning. What a way to start the day!!! Your support is invaluable right now. I really need it. After the "event" yesterday, I was quiet the rest of the day. Although he apologized for his outburst, he hurt me deeply. After his outburst, I just couldn't think of anything to say. I felt like I had a knot in my throat, and my mind was wrapped around "What if I fail". This morning, I feel the same way. I have to take several medicines that slow the metabolism down, and I'm terrified that the meds might prevent me from losing weight even after the surgery. One of the medicines is for anxiety, because I have an anxiety disorder. I know in my heart that that I'll lose weight, but feelings are sometimes neither good no bad - they're simply there. I don't think he realizes it, but he destroyed all the self-confidence I had left around weight loss. He's been beside me every step of the way, so far, by going to all of my appointments, etc. I think I need to have a talk with him today to try to get past this, because I'm miserable right now. I already feel like a failure because I haven't been able to successfully take the weight off and keep it off. I'll let you know how it went after we talk. Thanks, again, for your support. Right now, I feel like you're the only support I have.
 
Hugs (if okay), Barbara. I'm glad he apologized.That means a lot that he recognized his own behavior was inconsistent with his usual behavior. I know you'll come back to the forum after your surgery and we'll all pitch in to keep each other going in the right direction.
 
My husband still hasn't apologized, yet, and I'm still too sensitive to the issue to talk with him. I feel like a total failure due to the fact that I'm having to resort to having gastric bypass in order to lose weight, and his words certainly didn't help. He's blown away any confidence I had with regard to succeeding with the bypass. I've got to talk to him today regarding the effect his words had on me, so I can put this in the past. I'm just having a really hard time broaching the subject, and I'm miserable.
 
I thought you said he did apologize but you were unable to hear it right then? Your husband is telling you he is scared FOR you and for him. YOU are going to do fine, you have to believe it will go well and that there will what I call fall backs but going forward is what you need to focus on. Men do not talk about emotions like women so they do a few things(some of them). The put stuff on you because they do not like their emotions. They blame, they talk about things in relationship to success or failure. YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE and he cannot take your confidence away, you have to give it away, DON'T. Reclaim it and keep it. Talk to him and say his remark hurt you to the core, it felt awful and that if he wants to supportive to keep his remarks to positive ones. Tell him you are scared to death and want him to comfort you not hurt you!!!! You need him by your side and you need him to be POSITIVE!! He probably did not want to see you disappointed if you gain weight, if you start to gain, then get back on course. NO ONE IS PERFECT FOR CRYING OUT LOAD and some do gain weight after a while but do not fixate on that, at first YOU WILL LOSE WEIGHT AND PROBABLY WILL LOSE YOUR APPETITE for a while so relax and you are going to do fine. IS your husband a big man? Maybe he is worrked you are going to be HOT and he will lose you, or jealous you are willing to go through the surgery. Who knows but just do what you need to do, he WILL be behind you!
 
I did finally talk with him today. He says he was kidding me, so I explained to him that my weight isn't something to kid about and I didn't appreciate it. It hurt. I've forgiven him, but I'm still hurt. I'll just be glad to have the surgery over this coming Monday and get back home. It's not like him to act or say the things he said yesterday, and my nerves are totally shot. I'm now trying to approach this as his nerves getting to him, too. All I would like to do, though, is cry.
 
Barbara-Try to stay strong and hold your ground. Don't blame yourself and don't feel like you failed because you are having WLS. It's not an easy road to take and you still have to work at it to lose weight. This surgery is not by any means a magic bullet that will make your weight disappear. It's just a tool to help you make the task a little easier, but with any tool you need to learn how to use it properly. It's normal to start feeling sensitive when facing a surgery so this is probably adding to why you are feeling the way you are right now. Things will get better.
 
IT does sound like it was his way of telling you he is scared for you and for himself so he says he was kidding. Does not sound like kidding, sounds like fear to me. He probably has told you he loves you just the way you are and does not understand you doing it. THAT does not mean you should not do it, it means he is scared. I am sure he did not realize the hurt it caused. A good cry is calmative so go ahead if you need to but know you are doing the right thing for the right reason. LET US KNOW how you are doing on here when you can after your surgery. There are alot of us out here rooting for you and will want to hear how you were doing.
 
I have a close friend who may have added to my sensitive mood right now. She has another close friend who had the surgery, ended up in ICU for over a year, plus had all kinds of complications that almost killed her. It's been over two years, and her friend is still in rehabilitation. My friend was trying to help and was worried about me, but I think she might have unintentionally created a monster in my mind. I've never been a person who wears her feelings on her shirt sleeve. Right now, though, I'm in such a down mood since my husband's outburst that I can't help but wonder if my friends words might be having a negative effect on my mood. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist today and am going to discuss my mood with him. He may be able to help me get over this hump. I was looking forward to the surgery until my husband's outburst the other day, and I truly do want to lose the weight. This excess weight has impacted my back problems dramatically, and I'm tired of my back hurting all the time.
 
Barbara J. Your friend telling you that story is like your husband, she is worried but THEY need to keep this stuff to themselves. Her friend may have had all kinids of medical problems going into this that should have been evaluated more thoroughly before her surgery. You are going to a good hospital and you have a good surgeon. The story your friend told you is like one in 10 million and there has to be more to the story than she is telling or knows. She needs to keep her mouth shut unless she is going to be supportive. YOU need support not discouragement!!! Your husband did not mean to depress you and I would think same with your 'friend" but people do say things that are hurtful without realizing it. Do not let these people stop you from doing what is best for you and ultimately best for them but they need to just chill and support you or shut the heck up! They are verbalizing your fears which you are working hard to not let come up.
 
Barbara, my husband was terrified something bad was gonna happen during or after my surgery and so many people would tell him horror stories about complications, my husband begged me 2 days before my surgery to cancel it, I refused this was my choice for a better life and a longer life , I was ready to accept the chance that complications could arise, I was gonna die young like my mother f I didn't do something soon, she passed at the age of 54, from complications to diabetes, I'm 46 and also diabetic and not very good in control of it, I told my husband I had to do this and I wanted his support, we cried and hugged and went for the surgery , my husband as been by my side the whole way, your husband is scared, tell him you love him and this is your choice, cheer up your about to have a second chance at life
 
Pat is right. This is a tool, just like taking a diet pill this will not make you lose much weight if you revert to your old behaviors. You're not alone with sensitivity before the surgery. He sounds as nervous as you probably are. If he's been supportive up to now, he'll stay true to himself and be supportive, especially when you're showing the weight loss on the outside.

Ultimately, the confidence must come from within, as cliche as that may sound. Another way to tell him is just to say, "I'm going to need all the support I can get for the next two years as I lose weight." You can, if he's truly listening, add, "Can you be on my side through all this crazy change?" Perhaps just make peace within your mind with the cursing he's already done and the next time, if ever, it happens, remember to say, "Hey, I'm not one of the guys. Please don't talk to me in that way."

If the confrontation of his behavior has you fretting, you're going to be in a tricky emotional place to have the surgery. Make peace within yourself. This weekend, give yourself permission to pamper and play. Give your husband a hug and if he asks, just say you're happy and excited for Monday. "It's finally here!" This will be encouraging to him to see you genuinely excited or nervous or happy. Prepare your yourself mentally and physically knowing the surgery will be a success because you're in good hands from start to finish. Meditate by seeing your body as ready to heal, all prepared to support your healing process.

You made this particular choice for a reason. It is not, to repeat Pat's response, not an easy way out. Anyone who thinks so should attend the information seminar and read the paperwork they give you. ONE ounce is all your pouch will hold for a long while. You have to change the way you socialize because you can't eat like everyone else. You can't have water with your meal. It will take longer for you to eat. Food will be cold (or lukewarm) by the time you get a few bites in. Instead of thinking less about food, you think more about food: protein, did I get enough fluids today, and did I get all my vitamins? And you can't go back when you're tired of "dieting" this way.

Please understand the week AFTER surgery is often referred to as H*LL WEEK. You'll be an emotional mess, most likely. You'll have mood swings for no reason (partly because of the anesthesia). You're going to worry. You're going to be happy. You're going to cry. You may have pain. Be honest with him about what it will be like after surgery because otherwise he'll think you've lost your mind. :eek:

I'm so happy for you. I hope you can come here for support if you have no other support, or if you do.

My surgeon makes me fill out a form every darned time I visit her office. One of the questions is, "Would you have the surgery again?" I'm nearly six months into the after-life. I've answered NO every single time. I'm finally getting to the waffling stage where I feel "maybe" and I can't wait until I can honestly say yes. I don't know what I'd do without the support of my husband. His answer to everything is, "How can I help?" My mother swears she never would have had the surgery if it were free or even to save her life; she doesn't want to give up feeling stuffed at holidays. My brother is far away. I am a self-professed hermit, so I really don't have anyone else but my husband, you see. I need to alter that; however, I'll do that when I'm ready.

Let peace be your motto this weekend. Let it cover you like water in a warm pool. Smile when you're remembering or thinking of something positive. Let the doubt go when you exhale, as you surface in that warm pool and breathe out. Close your eyes and imagine it, even if you have to wait until you're in bed to do it.

We care about you here and wish you well, truly WELL.
 
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