Issue with family and support

[Phinxy86]

So i’m two months pre op and have lost 15 lbs so far. My family thinks now I don’t need surgery to get rid of my excess 150+ lbs. I’m on a 1300 calorie diet right now, because it’s what the nurse practitioner advised. I had my honeymoon phase of dieting, and my depression and anxiety has been kicking in lately, and now it’s getting really tough. My mom told me “it’ll get easier” today, but when?? I weigh 284 lbs right now!!!!! I’m trying to get more into exercising but that’s going slow. I guess my problem here is that now my family expects me to lose the weight without surgery while they eat all this crap in front of me while I’m starving basically. I live alone thankfully though. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I’m just restricting calories for the sake of losing weight, but I don’t know for who anymore. I feel like an idiot.

 

[Redy2go]

You are totally worth this decision and your family is not making this easy for you. We are here for you and to cheer you on. Anytime you need to vent just let us know. Sounds like you know your triggers . Stay strong you got this!

 

[dianeseattle]

Hey Phinxy, nice to see you. You have done an amazing pre-op job so far. Now, try to give your ears a diet from negative thinking, meaning, stop listening to the naysayers. If they knew what you know about nutrition and the dangers you personally face from obesity, they have something interesting and important to say. But they don't. They're just flapping their gums because misery loves company. You are threatening their status quo by losing weight. It's the last thing they really want you to do, even though they might not be able to admit it, even though they never knew it was that important.

And if you're hungry Girl, by all means eat something! Not a hot fudge sundae, but a few crackers, a little peanut butter, a piece of fruit, or all three of those things. Don't overeat because you are learning that that is bad for you. And you are learning by losing that you can eat without overeating.

Hunger pangs can be imagined. But they aren't usually. If you get hunger pangs, your body is hungry. You're not going to get a prize for losing X number of pounds before surgery. Don't be so hard on yourself. You may find out that once you give yourself permission to eat, you feel a lot less hungry, and you don't obsess so much about it.

If you're feeling down or oppressed or even if you're happy, come on over here. Tell us all about it. We will give you a bushel full of love and reassurance.

 

[Brenda2010]

I’m just restricting calories for the sake of losing weight, but I don’t know for who anymore. I feel like an idiot.

I'm sorry you're struggling with things. You are not an idiot, you just sound utterly defeated. It's hard when family or friends do not offer support. Many of us, myself included, decided not to tell those who we knew wouldn't be supportive. People seem to have strong opinions on this but it's your decision and your body. Do what's right for you girlie. It's your life, your health and your happiness. You came to the right place to vent and get some support. We're here for you.

 

[Phinxy86]

Thank you so much all of you. I really appreciate it. I guess I just expected my immediate family to understand, but I was very mistaken. I’m divorced with a dog and have a couple close friends...but that’s about it. At least I have two friends who are very supportive. I unfortunately am very social and need to talk about things to people, so I’ve ended up going to three different support groups for various things, one being bariatric. I just feel like I’m surrounded by negativity so much because i have to be around my parents because they watch my dog because she has some serious anxiety issues and she’s really comfortable with them and they love her. But I get emotionally jabbed at by my mother constantly, my brother won’t talk to me...all because of my choices I’ve made to better myself and I find that pretty pathetic. I go to a therapist weekly, thankfully she’s helping me a lot but making me realize I have a lot of self confidence issues, while a support group is making me realize I’m trying to control everyone’s life, making it impossible to control my own, let alone make it enjoyable. So much to work on....gah!

 

[Brenda2010]

Thank you so much all of you. I really appreciate it. I guess I just expected my immediate family to understand, but I was very mistaken. I’m divorced with a dog and have a couple close friends...but that’s about it. At least I have two friends who are very supportive. I unfortunately am very social and need to talk about things to people, so I’ve ended up going to three different support groups for various things, one being bariatric. I just feel like I’m surrounded by negativity so much because i have to be around my parents because they watch my dog because she has some serious anxiety issues and she’s really comfortable with them and they love her. But I get emotionally jabbed at by my mother constantly, my brother won’t talk to me...all because of my choices I’ve made to better myself and I find that pretty pathetic. I go to a therapist weekly, thankfully she’s helping me a lot but making me realize I have a lot of self confidence issues, while a support group is making me realize I’m trying to control everyone’s life, making it impossible to control my own, let alone make it enjoyable. So much to work on....gah!

I'm glad that you're seeing a therapist. Do you enjoy reading? I read a book a few years ago that really helped me let go of a lot of my family "drama". It's called Codependent No More How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie.

This helped me through my darkest time. The author is very insightful and there is a lot about setting boundaries that some of us need to learn how to do.

 

[Phinxy86]

I'm glad that you're seeing a therapist. Do you enjoy reading? I read a book a few years ago that really helped me let go of a lot of my family "drama". It's called Codependent No More How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie.

This helped me through my darkest time. The author is very insightful and there is a lot about setting boundaries that some of us need to learn how to do.

I will definitely look into that book, thank you for the suggestion!

 

[missdarmitage]

Hi Phinxy. Congrats on your journey so far! Making the decision to make the change in your life is a hard one. But you have done that. I'm sorry you aren't getting the support you need from your family. That is a very hard thing to deal with. I faced the same thing 8 years ago when I first looked into surgery. My family was so negative I decided they must be right. Fast forward 8 years and here I am, about to have the surgery. I had to take a good look at myself and what I truly wanted out of my life. From the time I started thinking about surgery 8 years ago to now, the only thing that changed was my weight increased. I let my family's opinion hold me back and I was the one that suffered for that choice, not them. So now I made it all about me. What I want out of life and what choices and consequences I could live with. Take some time, and be honest with yourself. What do you really want and how hard are you willing to work for it? And when I say hard, that means mentally, emotionally, and physically. Only you can decide what is best for you. If your family doesn't support you now, hopefully when they see the changes in you as you continue your journey, they will come around. Until they do, we are all here for you! Lean on us in the tough times and we will help where we can and give you the sounding board we all sometimes need! Welcome to the group!

 

[MamaBearOf4]

So i’m two months pre op and have lost 15 lbs so far. My family thinks now I don’t need surgery to get rid of my excess 150+ lbs. I’m on a 1300 calorie diet right now, because it’s what the nurse practitioner advised. I had my honeymoon phase of dieting, and my depression and anxiety has been kicking in lately, and now it’s getting really tough. My mom told me “it’ll get easier” today, but when?? I weigh 284 lbs right now!!!!! I’m trying to get more into exercising but that’s going slow. I guess my problem here is that now my family expects me to lose the weight without surgery while they eat all this crap in front of me while I’m starving basically. I live alone thankfully though. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I’m just restricting calories for the sake of losing weight, but I don’t know for who anymore. I feel like an idiot.

U need to stop and ask yourself why u having this surgery. It is not for ur family it is for u. U health ur life and ur happiness. U live alone u can escape it. I live with my husband and my 4 sons that is not on the same diet as me. It is hard. I am not going to tell u it isn't because I know how it is. But with hard work and not listening to people when they say u don't need it but refuses to respect the fact u are dieting. At least my husband and kids respected the diet and kept away from me when they knew my favorite things. It is possible. I was 601 first visits to the surgeon. I was 538 the day of surgery. If I can do it then u can to. U need support call on us. Ur family extended the day u decided to get the surgery. We are ur new brother and sisters in this journey. U are never alone u have us to back u. Just remember why u doing this and it will happen.

 

[dianeseattle]

I read a book a few years ago that really helped me let go of a lot of my family "drama". It's called Codependent No More How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie.

This helped me through my darkest time.

Brenda, this book was my introduction to codependency. I had no idea what that relationship was called before I read it. I remember the moment that I was hooked into reading the entire book. She was talking She was talking about a woman who couldn't even keep a houseplant alive, and this woman was supposed to be able to manage her own life. It's a great example.

She really has a great writing style, too. This may be the best self-help book since "Your Erroneous Zones." Any book you can read cover-to-cover and not feel like you've been lectured or shamed, is a book that's very good for you. Like you, I recommend it highly.

 

[Brenda2010]

Brenda, this book was my introduction to codependency. I had no idea what that relationship was called before I read it.

She really has a great writing style, too. This may be the best self-help book since "Your Erroneous Zones." Any book you can read cover-to-cover and not feel like you've been lectured or shamed, is a book that's very good for you. Like you, I recommend it highly.

I'm thrilled that you got a lot out of it too! It helped me more than I can say. I'll have to check out "Your Erroneous Zones" for sure. Thanks for that tip.

 

[dianeseattle]

Let me know if you read YEZ by Wayne Dyer. It was his first book and I read it after losing the love of my life, dropping out of Art School and moving from Los Angeles to the hick town where my family lives. I did not think I could get any lower, and I was actively suicidal.

I can't even tell you what he said in that book, but it was the first so it blazed a lot of trails. A lot of people have probably improved on his thoughts. But I loved that book so much that I bought two copies so I could lend one out to the people I was raving about it to. That behavior, by the way, of trying to get people to believe the same things you believe, is also classic codependent behavior.

But I didn't know about codependency yet. I did get really upset when people didn't read the book or didn't finish it.

I can't be hard on myself about it though. I was teething, emotionally speaking, and I cut those teeth on Wayne Dyer's philosophies. All the other "teeth" in my metaphorical mouth came along afterward.

I didn't read that book and suddenly become a fabulous person. That book was just the key to open the door, and once open, I saw all the demons within. I've been fighting them ever since.

But good for me! At least I was brave enough not to shut the door and lock it tight after me. You know what they say about the unexamined life.

 

[Phinxy86]

I got Codependent No More along with the workbook and have already done two chapters. It makes me think yet gets my mind of things if that makes any sense at all lol. I’ve completely decided to do surgery regardless of what my family says, because you guys are right...I need to do what is right for me. I have a lot of things I’m trying to fix amongst getting ready for surgery, I’m realizing that things really sucked and still kind of do and I want that to change!

What motivates you guys to exercise? I’m just hurting (my knees and back) but I want to get into some yoga and walking but I’m having an EXTREMELY hard time becoming motivated to exercise. I noticed I’m more active throughout the day, but doing exercise is my vice. It’s not that I don’t want to exactly, but I don’t know what’s stopping me. Any advice would be helpful!

I ate out today...had my leftovers for lunch, kind of feeling guilty but it’s not like I ate that badly. Still under my calorie intake for the day. I just don’t go out to eat ever, but I went out with my parents so I didn’t have much of an option. I’m still 2 lbs over how much I was supposed to lose from October, (17 lbs lost) so I think they’ll be happy to see that.

I got four cookbooks for sleeve surgery the other day....love three of the four. Made me so much more willing to cook and anxious to get my dentures (about three weeks away from getting them now....so close) hate being almost toothless, I’ve been on the soft diet too long lol. Then I’ll be able to eat normal for a month then back to liquids again....sigh.

 

[Brenda2010]

I got Codependent No More along with the workbook and have already done two chapters. It makes me think yet gets my mind of things if that makes any sense at all lol. I’ve completely decided to do surgery regardless of what my family says, because you guys are right...I need to do what is right for me. I have a lot of things I’m trying to fix amongst getting ready for surgery, I’m realizing that things really sucked and still kind of do and I want that to change!

That's awesome Phin!!! I think that taking care of yourself emotionally is the only way that any of us will succeed in this journey. Yesterday I started re-reading The Power of Now by Eckart Tolle. I'm someone who needs to work on staying positive and I find that books like these help me a lot.

I'll let someone else chime in about exercise because I still have trouble in that area. I bought an under-desk peddler that I use at work but still haven't gotten up motivation to do anything else. I signed up for a weekly Gentle Yoga class that starts on the 16th, I think I will like that but I also know that I need some serious strength straining a few times a week. I have a kettle bell workout DVD that I used to do years ago that really helped with toning and building up muscle tone. Been meaning to start doing that for weeks... Exercise has always been my biggest struggle. I was never athletic nor outdoorsy so it just doesn't come naturally to me.

 

[Phinxy86]

That's awesome Phin!!! I think that taking care of yourself emotionally is the only way that any of us will succeed in this journey. Yesterday I started re-reading The Power of Now by Eckart Tolle. I'm someone who needs to work on staying positive and I find that books like these help me a lot.

I'll let someone else chime in about exercise because I still have trouble in that area. I bought an under-desk peddler that I use at work but still haven't gotten up motivation to do anything else. I signed up for a weekly Gentle Yoga class that starts on the 16th, I think I will like that but I also know that I need some serious strength straining a few times a week. I have a kettle bell workout DVD that I used to do years ago that really helped with toning and building up muscle tone. Been meaning to start doing that for weeks... Exercise has always been my biggest struggle. I was never athletic nor outdoorsy so it just doesn't come naturally to me.

I love the outdoors, but my loneliness kicks in lol...I know that is silly. I have a yoga mat, blocks, and belt in my living room...but yet to be used. I want to get a kettleball because I’ve seen a lot of good toning workouts. I want to workout at home because winters can be rough here and my surgery will be in October. My mom keeps asking me every time I talk to her...”did you go for a walk today?” and then I feel like crap because I didn’t.

I’m amazed at how much the codependency book is already hitting home, thank you for recommending it! My therapist says my self-confidence is probably my worst feature, which I’m sure many of you could or can relate to at some point. My dad told me I was fat even when I wasn’t, and now I want to change it and they’re against it..how silly. It amazes me how family dynamics work. But I suppose I shouldn’t be distracted while drinking my shake haha, goodnight!

 

[missdarmitage]

That is great Phinxy! I'm glad you doing what you want to do and not what other's are pressuring you to do. It is all about making yourself happy.

For me, working out comes down to when and how I feel. I have learned that I am more likely to work out solo first thing in the morning. I too do everything at home because I live in the country and trying to make it to a gym first thing in the am would mean I need to get up around 3:30 am and I just can't do it. As soon as my alarm goes off, I roll out of bed, put on my workout clothes and shoes, and hop on the treadmill. I am literally on it within 5-10 min of waking up. For me, I am still somewhat asleep so I can't talk myself out of it yet lol. If I am working out with someone else, then I will typically do the evening. At that point I have someone else relying on my and the guilt is 10x worse if I bail because someone else is witnessing it. Also, if I am working out in the evening, I use an app called Better Me. I am thinking it is about $6/month and it gives you excercises based on the areas you want to work on (for me it is all of them!). I can typically do 4 or five of the programs in about half an hour. I absolutely love it because it changes up the workout daily so I do not get bored.

I know I mentioned it depends on when and how I feel and I talked about the when. But the how I feel all depends on when I am doing it. If it is in the morning, I know I have to get my 8 hrs of sleep or else I will hit snooze and never make it out of bed. So getting to bed at the right time is key for me being able to do it in the morning. It is a hard habit to get into but once I did, it was smooth sailing. Of course, that took a couple weeks to get there but by that time you are so excited with how well you have been doing that it doesn't really cross your mind to stop.

And don't forget, if you miss a day or three, or even longer, no worries! Just start up again that day or the next and get back into the routine. Don't feel guilty for not doing it, no one is perfect. But get in the mindset that you will turn it around and just start again.

 

[Brenda2010]

I use an app called Better Me. I am thinking it is about $6/month and it gives you excercises based on the areas you want to work on (for me it is all of them!). I can typically do 4 or five of the programs in about half an hour. I absolutely love it because it changes up the workout daily so I do not get bored.

Thanks for the tip on this app, I'll definitely take a look!

 

[bbqking]

I’d like to encourage you. I was close to 500 lbs at one point. I lost a little down to 475ish. Then my cholesterol was bad, then I got diabetes, bad. I have myotonic muscular dystrophy. There are a lot of other thing I could mention, but I won’t just now. I realized through life experiences, it doesn’t matter what you do. There is always going to be people that disagree with your choices. You need to do this for you! Persevere. I’ve lost 150lbs so far. Guess what, my immediate family...wife and kids....doesn’t even faze them. They never say a word! But extended family, and friends...nothing but encouragement, and congrats. So do this for yourself. You can do it. The alternative is an early grave. We all have battles. Fight the good fight, keep on keeping on. When your thinner start thinking of ways to improve yourself. exercising... I told myself I would at 400. I didn’t. At 350.i didn’t it took me til about 335 or so. And joined a gym. I go at least 4 times a week. It’s helping.

 

[Cyndy]

I am brand new...joined yesterday. I have been following the comments made regarding non-supportive family.
I don’t want to tell my family.

I take care of my mom who had a stroke two years ago, after my father died in an accident last year. My mom was my greatest supporter, but she is more fragile now, so I can’t share with her. My brother, sister in law and my children would tell me not to have the surgery that I could loose the weight on my own.

I’ve been thinking about this and honestly I haven’t thought of one person I would want to share my decision to have the surgery with. I know lots of people, people who are friends, but they’re not friends I hang out with or share intimate things with. The person I shared my intimate thoughts and feelings with was my mom and although, she is still alive I cannot share the hard things with her anymore. This is one of the reasons I wanted to join this support group.

 

[dianeseattle]

Don't tell anyone! If you don't feel comfortable broadcasting it, keep it private. Once you tell everyone you get all kinds of opinions & you do NOT need those. They don't know & they don't really care. The best decision I made was only to tell my son, my ex-husband & his wife. I'm still nervous one of them will blab (the wife has come close), but I feel passionate about it.

I wasn't told to bring a support person but boy, did I need one after surgery. Luckily I was living with the three aforementioned people, so I had access to them all the time. But I'm a little concerned about the fact that you care for your mom & don't have a support person. You might find yourself unable to do both things immediately post-op.

Can you get a caregiver to spell you for a week or two? Can you just tell your mom you're sick & someone else is going to help out for a little while? I do not envy you this situation.

a GIANT spider just came into my house from outdoors & he's under my desk! I couldn't catch him & I won't kill him. But I must now say goodnight!