Talking WLS around someone with eating disorder

[Snapdragon]

Hi folks, I could really use some advice. I don’t have a surgery date but I’m hoping to be cleared for an RNY in the next few months. My problem is my oldest’s girlfriend, “A.” A has been sharing dinner with us every night for the last couple years. She is a child of divorce and her parents are disinterested in providing things like sit-down meals. She is now 19.

She has a bad relationship with food and her weight. She eats “too much” and then cries about it in private. I feel bad for her and strongly recommended that she see a therapist through the health center at her college. They would be familiar with young women with divorce and food issues. She is resistant. Talked to her mom, she is ambivalent. Her dad is now out of the picture having kicked her out at 18.

When I tried dieting earlier, my oldest begged me not to weigh food, count calories, or do anything that might trigger her. Obviously, once I’m cleared for surgery and start a pre-op diet, this won’t work. I’m already upset that they sabotaged my diet. I’m not backing down on this.

“A” is extremely sensitive and prone to crying and being “triggered” and feeling “unsafe” at the drop of a hat—in a way that even our liberal, bleeding hearts can neither stand nor take very seriously. However, my oldest does take it seriously.

Any ideas on how to announce/assert my WLS? I don’t want to antagonize her unnecessarily—she’s a pretty good kid for the most part, but the divorce and living with a cold, mean-spirited dad left her with no resilience as of yet.

 

[3momchaos]

This is a difficult scenario. Does she live with you? You need to do what’s best for your health, but still want to be sensitive to het emotional and mental state. Maybe you need to address it to her like that? Just say something along the lines of what you’re doing, really focus on you, and how food will be changing for pre op adjustments and what to expect as far as post op is concerned, and leave it like that. Tell her that you’d love if she were involved as a member of your support system, but it’s ok not to be also. Make sure to keep the focus of the conversation on yourself and your support system, and use “I” phrases as much as possible rather than family or us so she doesn’t feel like she’s being lumped into the group. If it becomes an issue, you’ll need to talk to your eldest on not having her there for meals until she realizes that she’s not the focus of this journey, and that your health is the priority here. Your child also needs to realize that you aren’t doing these things, weighing and measuring foods, to trigger her. None of it involves her at the end of the day, so if she still wants to eat there, she’ll have to realizes that changes are going to be made that don’t involve her.

 

[JudyNY]

Hi Snapdragon, welcome to our group. That is a sticky situation you have but you have every right to do what you need to do for you. I don't want this to come off as being insensitive to "A's" needs but that is how us Mom's always wind up being last on the list and we neglect our own health. If you take care of yourself first, you are better able to take care of others. Just like with the oxygen mask on an airplane, you put yours on first.

Maybe you can have a talk with your oldest and explain that it would be helpful if you had her support in this but either way it is something you need to pursue for your own health and it will require you to do a lot of measuring and food journaling. Maybe your guest will just get use to it. After all it is not something you are expecting her to follow along and do nor will your other family members be doing so. I wish you luck in approaching this, feel free to post often and let us know how you are doing.

 

[Snapdragon]

She doesn’t live with us, though frankly it feels that way sometimes. Having a 19yo around that you can’t really parent is tough.

It’s good to be reminded that this is about my health. One of the reasons I started down this path is that an ultrasound revealed that I have a badly fatty liver. I don’t want to be on the market for a new liver. I don’t know that the medical establishment would want to give a new liver to someone who destroyed theirs by being overweight if they haven’t lost weight already.

 

[Tokash]

You are not in control of her emotions, feelings or reactions nor are you responsible for them. You need to function in what is best for your health and not walk on egg shells around her. It is one thing to just live verses rubbing things in (which your not). She had to decided what to do for her and she gets to decided how to react or not react.

Much like with an alcoholic....its their choice and because they are stuck in something doesn't mean the world around them accommodates. If they do all it does is enable the dynamics that are happening.