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Tell or Not Tell

MarylandMomma

MarylandMomma

Member
Hi everyone,

I'm new. I just had my consultation and meeting with the nutritionist as a next step.

So far, everyone I've told that I'm going to get medical help to lose weight have been discouraging or downright against it!

Suddenly, I'm hearing that I'm not "that" big.......Compared to what?

Or the " you don't need surgery, just ......insert their diet advice."

Has anyone else experienced nay-sayers? How do you handle unsolicited comments?
 
Welcome to the group! Yes, indeed, virtually everyone experiences this particular dilemma. I think the way most people handle it is by evaluating the strength of their support group.

In a nutshell, I knew my family would ruin the experience for me by saying that I cheated or something like that. So I never told anyone in the family. And I only told my son and two friends who needed to know.

In 13 and a half years I have never regretted that decision. My family is extremely dysfunctional. I actually enjoyed flaunting my weight loss at them because they are all obese by choice. They have nothing but food gatherings, constantly. They never stop shoveling the food into their mouths while the same time saying, "I need to lose some weight."

I did it for me, not for them, but having them be envious is just a perk I really needed. I had seven siblings. Two of them have died from weight-related disease including congestive heart failure and diabetes. My father also had heart problems and diabetes. He died way too young. But when he died, that's when I made my decision that I was going to have the surgery.

So you might want to look through here using the search function for the subject of tell or don't tell. You'll find a lot of people who had a lot of reasons for what they decided to do.

I had a little work around I used to make sure people didn't go immediately to weight loss surgery as their guess for why I had become so thin. I simply ate differently in front of them. Then if anybody asked me how I lost the weight I would be able to say that I was in the clinical study, which is true, and the study was about obesity, which is also true and that I changed my eating habits as a result. I actually typed up my post-op diet and offered it to anyone who asked.

But I knew that my instincts were right when I saw that no one was even interested in eating less food. So, I am very very happy I kept my life private from them. It's not the same as keeping a secret. It is privacy and we are all entitled to it.
 
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Oh, yes. I was very open and told literally everyone. And got some of the same responses you are hearing. You don't look THAT bad! Why can't you just lose it naturally? I just let people know that I had already made my decision, with the help of my healthcare team. It subtly let them know that the only opinion I ASKED for was my doctors. And if they didn't pick up on subtle, I would tell them outright. People love to have opinions about other people's lives. None of that matters. You have to do what is best for you.
 
I also told everyone, and I’m still telling them. I take a lot of pride that I was able to have gastric bypass. It’s not the easy way out, in fact it takes much more discipline than traditional weight loss because of the side effects and potential for issues. If you’re on a traditional diet and want some cake, ice cream, or over eat at a meal, you start over the next day. After surgery there’s none of that. I’ve spent YEARS failing through traditional diets. I have had no negative comments at all. Plus if someone did have something to say, I invite them to because they have no idea what my body needs.
 
Covid has helped me keep things more of a mystery than I expected and I'm on Team Tell! I'm not seeing my coworkers on a consistent basis so they can't figure out if I've been losing all along, or if I lost it the "natural way." I don't think they understand the "natural way" takes a lot of work and it doesn't last. If I'm gonna put in the work it's gonna last (dammit!) Frankly it's about your health, and not if you look bad enough for surgery. Ugh. I think I'd wait to see how they approach it and form a few different canned answers.
 
It's a person preference whether or not to tell. Many years ago I had lapband surgery along with one of my coworkers. We were very open about it. I really can't say I ran into any nay-sayers but maybe they kept their comments to themselves and talked behind my back. Well the lapband didn't work out for me for the long haul. Long story short, this year I had it removed and had VSG. Since I am now retired I've only told my immediate family and a few close friends. If anyone asks why I was in the hospital, I had hernia repair - which is true. I was in the hospital for a long time because I had complications but I still stuck to the hernia repair story for those who don't know. I really don't want to deal with anyone saying negative things about WLS since it was my second time and I had complications. Truthfully I think the complications were more from the hernia repair than the VSG. I had no problem with the stomach at all, no leaks or problems with the staples. Well that's my story and I'm sticking to it! LOL!
 
I say tell! I’m personally very proud that I am doing something to help my weightloss and health. When someone nay says, I respond with “well do you own a smoothie blender, exercise bike or workout clothes? This is just another tool towards a healthier life!” That usually shuts them up. I thought about hiding it at first but why lie? It’s nothing to be ashamed of. People react out of emotion or ignorance, that’s all. If you care about them, explain, reapond. If you don’t, brush them off your shoulder & get on with your great new self!
 
I experienced this same thing. My starting weight was 236-240 and everybody I told told me I wasn't big enough. Not that they deserved an explanation but I explained why I was having it done despite their view of "not big enough" most started to understand it a bit better after that.

I didnt tell any of my family simply because their response would have been worse, in fact at Thanksgiving I listened to my sister ridicul some that had bypass and make several comments about hoping they fail. I only told 2 coworkers and my friend group. I only told coworkers because I work a very intense job and adding the stress of this on top I figured I would need some support. Both responded negatively and one even stated "have you tried changing your eating habits and exercise. The look on my face must have given it away because she then responded "what I never hear you talking about doing any of that." Mind you she is a toothpick and has been all her life.
 
Tokash said:
at Thanksgiving I listened to my sister ridicule some that had bypass and make several comments about hoping they fail.

Both responded negatively and one even stated "have you tried changing your eating habits and exercise. The look on my face must have given it away because she then responded "what I never hear you talking about doing any of that."
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That is so not cool! I'd limit contact with those kinds of people. I'm sorry you had to deal with that.
 
I have not told anyone other than my immediate family (that would be kind of hard to hide from them). Personally, I have never needed nor felt that I needed to tell anyone that I had WLS. I have had a few casual acquaintances (not close friends) say hey you look good....or wow what have you been to drop so much weight. Once again these people making these comments are not close friends or family. If they were close friends I would not just offer it up anyways either since I tend to be more of a private person. Additionally, I have been working from home for over 10 years so my circle of friends is very limited.
 
I don't think it's possible to underestimate the "envy factor" people tend to find comfort in peer groups, and FOOD is a very bonding factor. I know when I was obese, dining or snacking, bringing food as gifts, and consensual pigging out was habitual. So many uncomfortable social gatherings after I dropped 100 pounds+. It was amazing how my old pals and relatives clung more tightly together and stared derisively at me during meals. I did enjoy some of the envy from siblings who'd always been so snotty, told me I was nothing special, or excluded me from social events. But I didn't enjoy it as much as I thought I would.

Discrimination and dysfunctional, codependent relationships based on greasy, gooey food, potlucks and holiday celebrations were part of my life. At one point, I stopped going "home" for holiday meals. One year, I cooked thanksgiving dinner at a women's shelter, and another, fed the homeless in a soup kitchen. Everyone thought I was nuts, but not the people who invited me to help, and not the people who got a simple meal out of it. There's SUCH a spectrum there.

Last time I went to a soup kitchen, I was a consumer. When I got there, I saw a friend and his young twin boys serving and cleaning. After I ate, I joined them. No food ever tasted as good as the love we all shared that day.

I'm not a good, kind person, but thank God I have friends who are, who can push me out of my selfishness and in to service.
 
I told immediate family and close friends only. My decision to have surgery was made between me and my husband. I refuse to qualify my decision for anyone. No one should need to explain their life choices. I get A LOT of comments on my hair color - its purple - and my tattoos - I have several in ALL the right places :p I'm too old to care if I offend people or not. Actually - I really don't have an issue offending people. No one should have to listen to other people tell them why they should or shouldn't have WLS.
 
I have chosen to tell only a few close friends and family. What I did not expect was how Everyone has second guessed my decision due to fear for me and long term issues.

I am not swayed in my decision. I had done my research and no one told me anything new that I had not considered or reviewed in my search.
So I am not planning on bring it up to anyone else. It was not a decision made lightly. Today I turn 58. Tomorrow I start my pre surgery liquid diet. The next chapter begins and I am in control of my destiny. I will mange what ever comes. Move forward with positivity.
 
MarylandMomma said:
Hi everyone,

I'm new. I just had my consultation and meeting with the nutritionist as a next step.

So far, everyone I've told that I'm going to get medical help to lose weight have been discouraging or downright against it!

Suddenly, I'm hearing that I'm not "that" big.......Compared to what?

Or the " you don't need surgery, just ......insert their diet advice."

Has anyone else experienced nay-sayers? How do you handle unsolicited comments?
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I read somewhere that when faced with a door or a window to exit a room you choose the door, which is the easiest way. Why jump out of a window if you don't have to?
 
Well it is interesting that this topic came up as I am dealing with this right now, also. I told both my brothers and their spouses. We live in a small town and I was afraid they would hear it thru the grapevine. Both families were very supportive which I appreciate. I have told no one at work. I'm much more private at work. And I've told several girl friends whom I trust. When I told my brothers - one of who ridiculed me my entire childhood and made me feel "less than" thru many of those painful years - I told them: "I do not want your opinion. I do not want to be 'policed' ie calling me to find out what I am eating or did I lose weight that week - I only want love and support. That is it. I do not want to hear anything negative from any of you. Well - so far they have listened. I do have one girlfriend - whom I love dearly - and she is totally against the surgery. She is constantly giving me her thoughts about it and feels I can lose the weight if I only stick with the right plan...etc...etc. It is frustrating that she does not hear what I am saying about this being MY CHOICE and my decision. I think she is worried - and I get that. I just wish she was supportive and not negative. But luckily most of my family and friends are very supportive and cheering me on. It is a difficult dilemma for sure.
 
Angel Mom said:
Well it is interesting that this topic came up as I am dealing with this right now, also. I told both my brothers and their spouses. We live in a small town and I was afraid they would hear it thru the grapevine. Both families were very supportive which I appreciate. I have told no one at work. I'm much more private at work. And I've told several girl friends whom I trust. When I told my brothers - one of who ridiculed me my entire childhood and made me feel "less than" thru many of those painful years - I told them: "I do not want your opinion. I do not want to be 'policed' ie calling me to find out what I am eating or did I lose weight that week - I only want love and support. That is it. I do not want to hear anything negative from any of you. Well - so far they have listened. I do have one girlfriend - whom I love dearly - and she is totally against the surgery. She is constantly giving me her thoughts about it and feels I can lose the weight if I only stick with the right plan...etc...etc. It is frustrating that she does not hear what I am saying about this being MY CHOICE and my decision. I think she is worried - and I get that. I just wish she was supportive and not negative. But luckily most of my family and friends are very supportive and cheering me on. It is a difficult dilemma for sure.
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I’m happy to hear that you’re being supported for the most part. It’s hard having that one person who doesn’t want you to do it. I’m sure she’ll come around eventually.
 
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