My husband hates my new body, not attracted to me

[missyinacage]

I have to be honest here. This REALLY bugs me. I have had the surgery AND my husband has had the surgery. So, I have seen the body changes both on own body and on his. It took me much longer to get used to the changes in my own body.
(Anyone who's been here for a while knows my saggy knees give me anxiety lol)

I both love and like my husband. He's awesome. Anything he does to increase the quality and span of his life has 1000% got my vote. He will always be sexy to me because again .. He's awesome. Thankfully, he feels exactly the same about me.

And for the record, the sexiest man alive could also very easily become repugnant by .. well, being a repugnant human being.

So, this topic just screams bullshit to me. "He resents me for putting all of my effort into weight loss" ?!? "You've chosen your surgery over me"?!?! So, what exactly? Is she supposed to remain at an unhealthy weight? Shorten her life span so she can be hot TO YOU?

What is she loses a leg to diabetes? Or becomes maimed in a car accident? Loses her hair and 50lbs due to Chemo? There are a million things that can change your appearance. Time, for example. What happens when she gets older? Does he think grey hair and wrinkles are a betrayal?

Ladies, you deserve deep and abiding love. A love that is grateful you're finally focusing on your health and well being. A love that is willing to do whatever it takes to help you reach your goals. And love that respects your decisions. And maybe even appreciates the fact that healthier you can *ride* as long as the carnival keeps the equipment up.

 

[Crimson1212]

Hi there, I am the husband of a bariatric patient. I 100% supported her journey and also made any and all changes needed within our household. There seem to be a lot of comments saying your husband is insecure and being mean. Truthfully, I think he may have some feelings he isn’t able to convey in a constructive way. There’s a lot that goes into these feelings and it’s almost impossible for anyone to diagnose why he’s this way, but coming from another husband I can say this journey has been difficult for me even though I fully support my wife’s journey. I’ve always been a more fit/thicc/muscular guy. I started dating my wife when she was a thicc girl, I married her being a thicc girl, I was fully and SO attracted to her thickness. I loved every inch of her body. I couldn’t have anticipated that I wouldn’t find her attractive after her surgery. In my support for her I forgot to be mindful of my feelings as well because I just focused on her happiness… sadly, I wish I would have paid some attention to my feelings about it as well. Today my wife has lost 60+ pounds, she’s still beautiful, I still love her, I still was to spend my life with her… but I’m no longer sexually attracted to her and it breaks my heart. I have photos and videos of my wife nude before her surgery that I’ve accumulated over the last 9 years and I’m very happy I kept them. I can go back and look at what her body used to look like and feel sexually satisfied. My wife doesn’t know how I feel about this because I don’t want to break her heart. I want to tell her, but I have no idea. In observing your comment I think your husband might be hurting a bit in his heart because he’s morning the loss of the woman he started dating, morning the loss of the woman he married and he had no idea how it would make him feel. It seems he doesn’t know how to navigate the new you and he’s struggling. There’s a chance he may feel like he isn’t worth being with anymore, like you’ve moved on from the love you had for him because you’ve chosen your surgery over him (not the truth, but sometimes feelings don’t have a truth) the only thing I can recommend is trying to make him feel love, make him feel more love than he’s ever felt. Give him grace and time to morn the loss of what you were so that he can fall in love with the woman you are. I’m very sorry you’re going through this

To the Husband - That was the most honest and heartfelt response a man in your circumstances could give - you love that woman but you are struggling with the change - Thats called being a HUMAN to all the lady haters that basically say suck it up and be a husband. We are designed to be physically attracted to our women. How hypocritical of all these woman when they are as much the problem. Woman put a huge premium on there looks? There hair there makeup, nails, tanning salons. Pedicures, hair products, facial products - make up turns into an actual thing they budget for. So how dare them pretend at the end of the day they do that for other women. THAT IS A HUGE LIE. You do it to attract men, because men are visual first. NO it doesnt mean we dont want more but all this hate for you man because you where honest about the attraction means women are liars. Yall play the game of hair and makeup all day but then when we say anything that makes you uncomfortable about what you spend so much time and money on. YOUR LOOKS then we are the issure? Wait what? My man you are human and you are allowed to have an attraction that you like. When my woman is 75-85 best believe she will get some grace, thats called natural aging process- but surgery and this weight loss happens in a matter of months. The mind is not preparred to undo its desires in a few months, You trained your eyes and now your subconscious is telling you this is what we find attractive - in most casses thats what got your attention to begin with. This notion that we fall in love with a womans personality is bs. If your a woman and you dont like that statement then stop dating men. Its time to stop apologizing and calling everyone toxic for what is part of nature - its gotten ridiculous with how woman wont use common sense when evaluation of the makeup of a man. The way God actually made you and for a good reason. We are not built or wired like them, yet they want us to understand all there emotional instabilities and take nothing into account with what makes a man tick. Im a little shocked at how little support you have. But it shows you why so many men dont even try anymore. Women are selfish emotionally - they want you to understand everything about there feelings but when what you say doesnt make them FEEL all warm and fussy then the guy needs therapy or he is an a**hole or a jerk, etc etc - Bro you dont need therapy you need a woman who understands her man and men. All the women in here are giving the lady horrible advice and she is gonna end up without the man who loved her the way God built her, all this improvement isnt improvement. Its a bit of vanity too, and when a man loves you with a few extra or alot and then you loose all the weight to become skinny dont be mad at him. He loved the person who showed up and she was fat, or thick or whatever and if you liked it back then and it turned you on why the hell do woman think turning into some skinny B**** is gonna turn me on? I get the health concern for all the weight related issues, but tearing this poor guy down is why women get a horrible review from most men, well definitely from this man cause this poor guy doesnt deserve all this hateraid - all you ladies are the ones who need the therapy - the only rationale person in the thread is the HUSBAND.

 

[dianeseattle]

To the Husband - That was the most honest and heartfelt response a man in your circumstances could give - you love that woman but you are struggling with the change - Thats called being a HUMAN to all the lady haters that basically say suck it up and be a husband. We are designed to be physically attracted to our women. How hypocritical of all these woman when they are as much the problem. Woman put a huge premium on there looks? There hair there makeup, nails, tanning salons. Pedicures, hair products, facial products - make up turns into an actual thing they budget for. So how dare them pretend at the end of the day they do that for other women. THAT IS A HUGE LIE. You do it to attract men, because men are visual first. NO it doesnt mean we dont want more but all this hate for you man because you where honest about the attraction means women are liars. Yall play the game of hair and makeup all day but then when we say anything that makes you uncomfortable about what you spend so much time and money on. YOUR LOOKS then we are the issure? Wait what? My man you are human and you are allowed to have an attraction that you like. When my woman is 75-85 best believe she will get some grace, thats called natural aging process- but surgery and this weight loss happens in a matter of months. The mind is not preparred to undo its desires in a few months, You trained your eyes and now your subconscious is telling you this is what we find attractive - in most casses thats what got your attention to begin with. This notion that we fall in love with a womans personality is bs. If your a woman and you dont like that statement then stop dating men. Its time to stop apologizing and calling everyone toxic for what is part of nature - its gotten ridiculous with how woman wont use common sense when evaluation of the makeup of a man. The way God actually made you and for a good reason. We are not built or wired like them, yet they want us to understand all there emotional instabilities and take nothing into account with what makes a man tick. Im a little shocked at how little support you have. But it shows you why so many men dont even try anymore. Women are selfish emotionally - they want you to understand everything about there feelings but when what you say doesnt make them FEEL all warm and fussy then the guy needs therapy or he is an a**hole or a jerk, etc etc - Bro you dont need therapy you need a woman who understands her man and men. All the women in here are giving the lady horrible advice and she is gonna end up without the man who loved her the way God built her, all this improvement isnt improvement. Its a bit of vanity too, and when a man loves you with a few extra or alot and then you loose all the weight to become skinny dont be mad at him. He loved the person who showed up and she was fat, or thick or whatever and if you liked it back then and it turned you on why the hell do woman think turning into some skinny B**** is gonna turn me on? I get the health concern for all the weight related issues, but tearing this poor guy down is why women get a horrible review from most men, well definitely from this man cause this poor guy doesnt deserve all this hateraid - all you ladies are the ones who need the therapy - the only rationale person in the thread is the HUSBAND.

Your post is full of generalizations that are just insulting. I can't even make all the comments I want to make but let me say how offensive your description of women is. Salons? Makeup? Budgeting for makeup & other glam products? Nails? Tanning? Pedicures? For that matter, you're insulting of men, as well, describing them as shallow creatures who go for looks first and if the looks aren't there, well, buh-bye! Nothing in your post resembles anything in my life at all. And I've been in this group a long time, since 2008, and I have NEVER read a post like yours. You have a serious problem and it's called SEXISM. If you don't think it's a big deal to talk about what is attractive and what is not, just remember that where sexism is about discrimination of one gender toward another, it's exactly the same as RACISM, where one race discriminates against another.

Also, in the time I've been with this group, which is about 95% female, I have heard the dear membership here describe the lowest self-esteem I could ever imagine, largely focused on their inability to believe they are beautiful just the way they are.

Yes, people have preferences. Some people like blondes. Some people like intellect. Some people like pink. There's not an art or emotion or geographical location that isn't at the top of someone's list and at the bottom of another's.

I was ditched by the man I was madly in love with after I had surgery. I didn't have any idea it would happen. It broke my heart. Do you think he cared? He didn't let on at all, though there are some physical features of my body that tend to fall on everyone's hit list. I still loved him and gave him everything he wanted. I had no clue he wanted me fat. If he had ever told me that or stated any preferences, I would have broken up with him before the surgery to spare both of us the pain and disappointment.

Lastly, this is a SUPPORT GROUP. That means we support each other and more specifically, we support our decisions to have this difficult surgery and get on a path back to health. If a man who is NOT a member of this group has a problem, he needs to take it somewhere else, because his criticisms are against our group's rules and guidelines, specifically the companies who PAY for this webspace and donate it to people who have had bariatric surgery. You might want to go to our home page and read them yourself.

 

[Crimson1212]

Your post is full of generalizations that are just insulting. I can't even make all the comments I want to make but let me say how offensive your description of women is. Salons? Makeup? Budgeting for makeup & other glam products? Nails? Tanning? Pedicures? For that matter, you're insulting of men, as well, describing them as shallow creatures who go for looks first and if the looks aren't there, well, buh-bye! Nothing in your post resembles anything in my life at all. And I've been in this group a long time, since 2008, and I have NEVER read a post like yours. You have a serious problem and it's called SEXISM. If you don't think it's a big deal to talk about what is attractive and what is not, just remember that where sexism is about discrimination of one gender toward another, it's exactly the same as RACISM, where one race discriminates against another.

Also, in the time I've been with this group, which is about 95% female, I have heard the dear membership here describe the lowest self-esteem I could ever imagine, largely focused on their inability to believe they are beautiful just the way they are.

Yes, people have preferences. Some people like blondes. Some people like intellect. Some people like pink. There's not an art or emotion or geographical location that isn't at the top of someone's list and at the bottom of another's.

I was ditched by the man I was madly in love with after I had surgery. I didn't have any idea it would happen. It broke my heart. Do you think he cared? He didn't let on at all, though there are some physical features of my body that tend to fall on everyone's hit list. I still loved him and gave him everything he wanted. I had no clue he wanted me fat. If he had ever told me that or stated any preferences, I would have broken up with him before the surgery to spare both of us the pain and disappointment.

Lastly, this is a SUPPORT GROUP. That means we support each other and more specifically, we support our decisions to have this difficult surgery and get on a path back to health. If a man who is NOT a member of this group has a problem, he needs to take it somewhere else, because his criticisms are against our group's rules and guidelines, specifically the companies who PAY for this webspace and donate it to people who have had bariatric surgery. You might want to go to our home page and read them yourself.

I am a member and since its 95% women its a vacum. You only get one side. I was talking to the man and nothing I said was insulting. Maybe hard to hear the truth is a better description. I was in Macys the whole bottom floor, is dedicated to BEAUTY. Im not trying to be mean to you but saying something that is true about how the vast majority of women operate is sexist? You sound like someone who only lets in what makes you feel better about yourself and your choice. Well the choice alot of people make has a varying affect on the spouse or significant other - So next time a MAN shares there HONEST Feeling maybe my post will allow a little air in to your forum to see the other side of this. You dont have to like men or me or our reactions, and frankly I could care less what you think. I just see this is a space to validate your choice clearly not to discuss all the ramification to the other party - that is not the definition of support. The only sexism I see is in the forum and from you. Lastly stating the truth is hard - over 75% of women wear makeup everyday. You can go down the list of everything I said and there is not one false statment or lie about women. My point is makeup is a mask, its not the truth, but try explaining that to a woman. You dont see the real you which is what your forum is all about - lets all wear a mask and make each other feel good. I get it and you definetely will not hear from me again. I actually came here looking for support for a friend of mine who is struggling to stay with his 15 year relationship post surgery. I see from the comments he is screwed just like these other guys. Oh and i suggest you go read up on the definition of SEXISM because you said it several times. Saying the truth is not sexism, we are not excluding woman from anything here, how dare you use RACISM as a comparison. Your whole post is about your feelings - you care less if what i said has merit inside of the minds and hearts of men because it contradicts your emotional state of mind. The only truth is what the subconscious mind says is truth - i suggest you re-evaluate your belief system, or dont...I know cognitive dissonance when i see it. Thank you for the gaslight theatre.

 

[dianeseattle]

I stand by everything I said. Your post was offensive and full of generalizations. For instance, you said "over 75% of women wear makeup everyday." Where did you come up with that figure? Is there some Cosmetics Census Bureau I don't know about?

There was a rule of thumb back in the day that if you joined a group, you should wait a week or two before you posted. This was so you could get the flavor of the group and a sense of the guidelines, even if you skipped reading the guidelines. You've been a member for two days. Obviously you didn't come here to support others, but to get something off your chest, and your frustration was more important than being a supportive member.

I've been here since 2008. When I read a post my first thought is, "What can I say to help?" People come here feeling all kinds of ways. And most people are looking for support. They don't come here generalizing about others in a way that insults them.

You are sexist. Your own writing shows that. You believe most women wear makeup whereas I'd imagine if you were talking about the population of the world, it would probably be more likely that 75 percent of women DON'T wear makeup.

But there's no reasoning with you, and you arrived here in attack mode, so there's no point in saying more. I wasn't trying to enlighten you. I was offended, I was angry and I posted in that state of mind. I don't apologize for it and I'm glad you're leaving. I do wish for you a better outlook and more patience and happiness. You are obviously really unhappy and locked into gender biases. The world would be a better place if people didn't have -isms that form their behavior. I hope you meet more people in your real life that can influence you in positive ways.