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10 Years Out and Still Craving.

C

Contrary Mary

Member
My 10th anniversary will be 2/24/12 and I've never regretted my decision to have my BPD/DS.

I went into this as a binge eater and, as with any eating disorder/addiction, I know that recovery is a lifelong process. I am still a binge eater, but, by the grace of my shrunken stomach and small intestine, I cannot do much about it. I spent much of my first 5 post-surgery years trying to sneak in binges here and there, but since there is no room for any extra volume, any surplus intake makes a hard, fast U-turn. I decided that throwing up is not acceptable -- I refuse to trade one eating disorder for another, and that it's far more comfortable just to do the right thing. I have had to deal with a lot of the emotions and memories that food used to shield me from, but that's a pretty good thing. I'm now 60 years old and I'm still having flashbacks from unhappier times. The thing is, I'm forced to deal with these things now, and every challenge I take on makes me a stronger, healthier person!

I have lost 300 pounds in these 10 years. I like to say that 2 of the 3 thin people inside me are now gone. I am physically and emotionally healthier than I have EVER been in my adult life, and that is a great accomplishment. I will always have my eating disorder, and the cravings that go with it, but the good life I have now makes it easy to say no when I want to crawl back into that dark place.

I am a work in progress, and I am proud to say that I gave myself the gift of a long life to continue that progress.

I LOVE ME!!!!!
 
Welcome to the forum. Your weight loss is an inspiration to me. My RNY is scheduled for 2/27. I hope to have a success story in a year or so. It sounds like you have a lot of issues to deal with. Be strong and if you find that things are starting to become overwhelming do not hesitate to get some counseling for yourself. We could all use some help now and then. Make sure to visit the forum often to let everyone know how you are doing.
 
Pat99,

I certainly didn't mean to indicate that my journey has not been successful -- far from it! My intention is to let people know that I have been to hell and back -- and I survived! I know for sure that I wouldn't be here without having had my surgery, but I also need to tell anybody searching for an easy fix that they are not going to get it this way. We are brave, desperate people who have no other options! If I could have found another way to do this, I would have done it long ago. We are all doing this to regain control of our lives, and every step in the right direction, however small, is a huge milestone.

Thank you for your concern and counsel. No one knows what it's like but someone else who's been there. I wish all the best for you. I don't want you to be afraid, or worry about the outcome, because it will be whatever you make it! You already ARE a success story because you've made this decision to have a better life. Congratulations!

I will keep you in my thoughts on the 27th.

Best regards, Mary
 
Hi mary.my names is patti. I had my RNY 2003. Istarted at 262 and passed my goal wt and regained 50 lbs from 2008. I am back on track and every so slowly I am going back the other direction. I am sitting on200 right now. This is definitely not an easy process. I was in a car accent in 2008 and fractured my back ,became sedentary and it just gradually came back on. today I watch everything I put in my mouth. hope to talk with you
 
Hi Patti,

It's all about getting back on that horse! I'm SO proud of you for doing that! The thing to remember at this point is that -- you did it once, so you can do it again.

You Rock! Mary
 
Hello Ladies,

I too am a few years out. In the area where I live there is no one that has been successful farther post op than I am. I am making guesses as to what I should or should not do as far as my diet is concerned and yes, I have spoke with a dietician who actually has less experience at this than I do. I believe part of the problem with my weight beginning to slowly creep up may be part of the "aging process" and change of metaboism. My thyroid is controlled with medication. My question is this.... This far out, how much protein per day? Any other suggestions as to what I can do besides increasing my exercise and decreasing the calories would be greatly appreciated.
T.
 
Hello T,

Your protein intake should really depend on your absorption rate. Because I had a BPD/DS, I am left with minimal small intestine and malabsorption, which causes me to absorb only about 1/2 the nutrients I ingest. I shoot for 60-80 grams of protein per day, but even that amount is low, because I just don't have the capacity! I'm always searching for more densely concentrated proteins that don't wreak havoc with my system. I also have to double my supplement intake, and I absorb no fat at all, which is problematic because Vitamin D depends on some fat level in the body in order to be assimilated. My nutritionist had experience only with RNY patients and focused on my sugar intake, which isn't an issue at all! Because of this I developed a whopping Vitamin D deficiency, which I now counteract with 50,000 units per day of Vitamin D, thus flooding my system long enough to assimilate calcium, iron and anything else dependent on D for absorption. I've been able to maintain consistent normal levels for a few years now, albeit in the lower ranges of normal. As if this isn't enough to deal with, my thyroid has recently decided to "go low", and I'm having some problem in regulating that now. One positive for me is that, because I had the BPD/DS (with the malabsorption thing), it is virtually impossible for me to gain back the weight. I'm grateful for that -- and I just keep reminding myself that I am a lifelong work in progress.

I'd be interested in continuing to talk with you -- It's good to compare notes with others, even if the situations aren't identical. We have some parallel issues, though, and I'd like to know how it goes for you. Hang in there, my friend. If nothing else, it's good to know we're not alone.

Regards, Mary

I'd be interested to know how you fare
 
Thank you for your response Mary.
I've managed to do some research today and have basically calculated my daily protein goal to 66gm. I truly doubt that I've reached that goal on very many occassions in the past few years. Due to my pouch, I just cannot eat that volume and because of my job I cannot be snacking and sipping. In the past while I was still losing weight, if I reached a plateau I could boost my protein and get things moving again. At one point I actually got down to 154 pounds.... I loved it.... I could actually see my ribs. In truth, I was too thin, but what a dream come true for a morbidly obese person. My doctor was concerned that I might not be able to stop the weight loss so he asked me to gain one (1) pound... just to make sure that I could. I was devasted. He had no clue what he was asking me to do. Anyway, I did. I gained that one pound... it took a while, but I did it, but six yrs later that one pound has made about 20 friends. Long story short.... I want to get rid of at least ten pounds. I had the tummy tuck 6 1/2 yrs ago... almost 2yrs to the day of my WLS. Next week I am heading to Nashville to see a plastic surgeon and hopefully in the coming weeks get a face lift. I'd like to get a few other things lifted too, but at my age those parts are not as important. If I ever win the lottery, well I might change my mind.
 
the goal for protein intake should remain around 70 gm. Hard to do with just a diet. I am 8 years out and started to find after 5 years I was less sensitive to the carbs and slowly after an auto accident I became pretty sedentary and 50 ls creeped back on. I am within 40 lbs of my goal weight and finding it a struggle. Mylabs are all normal,do have a little lo thyroid but med for that You have the answers about what to do just like I do but I don't have the energy today at 65 as I did 8 years ago. keep me posted....patti
 
Hi Mary,
I had my rny about the same time you had your surgery. I lost 150 pounds and am maintaining that loss. I had thyroid cancer in 08 and gained 30 pounds and have lost that and a few friends with that..... I also had a lower body lift in 03. I had my surgery in colorado but moved to Florida and cant find a surgeon down ehre to follow me so I fly to Colorado to see my surgeon several times a year.
That keeps me focused on the prize so to speak.
I keep my protien at about 60 grams per day on a good day. it is hard. I dont have an appetite so eating is a challenge. I am semi retired. I had a partime job but got laid off.
I am looking for a job but jobs are hard to find down here in the golf coast. of florida.
Carla
 
Hi Carla,

I spent the 80s in Florida (Royal Palm Beach and Vero Beach) and happily moved north in 1990. I've never cared for heat and humidity.

I'm a little jealous -- I have a lot of extra skin, but I had so many complications from my original surgery that I'm reluctant to go under the knife again for any reason! Also, it wouldn't be covered by my insurance, so it's pretty much off the table.

I feel like I spend my days on a protein hunt. I eat a lot of small meals (5-6) during the day and it seems I'm always eating -- every 2-3 hours, like a baby bird. The strange thing is that before my surgery I spent most of my time eating, too. I was a bigtime binge eater and I realize I still have the desire, if not the capacity. The continuous eating pattern feeds right into my eating disorder (no pun intended) and I know I would probably still binge if I could. In fact, I calculated that I take in anywhere between 2500 and 4000 calories a day. Most of the calories come from protein, but it sounds like an enormous amount of food! It's really not. The advantage I have is that my having the BPD/DS surgery actually prevents me from gaining ANY weight back! I feel very lucky, but my life is still dominated by food.

I hope your employment picture improves. I know it isn't easy for anyone right now. I'm thankful for my husband's job, and for his emotional support. This site is a good place for long-term "survivors" (we really ARE survivors!).

Take care Carla, and hang in there!

Regards, Mary
 
Hello, Mary!
I'm new to this support group, but I had my surgery in Feb of 2009 and lost 105 lbs. I had a great support in Madison, WI where I received my surgery, but have moved out to Anacortes, WA and no program out here will give me support as I didn't have my surgery with them. ;-( Recently I've been an emotional mess. I feel like I am fighting my eating disorder, but am flailing with understanding my emotions. Anger is an especially difficult feeling to experience without food. I know why I'm feeling these feelings, but can't get my head wrapped around dealing... I get sooooo offended sooooo easily. It looks like you've been through alot. Any ideas or words of wisdom?
 
Hi!

Boy, did your post hit home for me! I can only speak from my own experience, but I think that's why I'm here, both for myself and for anyone else who can benefit. We all learn from each other here, with no judgment or bias.


As my weight came off, I started having flashbacks. I could no longer "stuff" my feelings and emotions, or insulate myself from some pretty terrible things that happened to me in my past. In 1989 I spent 6 weeks in an eating disorder treatment center. I didn't lose weight then, but I gained a lot of insight into the reasons for my situation. It took until 2002 for me to believe that I actually deserved health and happiness and I was finally able to commit to the surgery. I was told to expect the emotional upheaval, but I had NO idea how very much I would be affected! I have run the gamut -- anger, sadness,shame, frustration, grief -- all those things I ate to protect myself from. It's still happening. I've recently flashes of memory from my very early childhood that gave me even more insight into the reasons for my eating disorder. Throughout all the years of psych counseling (my husband calls it "shrinkage") I retained this fact from one of my counselors -- AS PAINFUL AS THESE EMOTIONS AND MEMORIES ARE, THEY WILL NOT COME UP UNLESS AND UNTIL YOU ARE READY TO DEAL WITH THEM! It's true. I have wept and raged and screamed my way through some of this, but in the end I realize that it's OK. This stuff happened, I lived through it -- protecting myself the only way I knew how, and I survived it! I am here because I am ready to be here. I don't look back at all those horrible experiences and think "what a horrible life I've had". That picture is too big to deal with. The 12-step motto is very appropriate here -- take it one day at a time. I just think "It happened, it's over, I acknowledge this -- and now I can move on and live the rest of my life". You may have to forgive someone along the way -- but I'll bet you need to forgive yourself too -- give yourself permission to be a healthy, happy "normal" person.

Keep this in mind -- when you were stuffing your feelings, you were also stuffing the happiness and love you deserved and needed. Now, you don't have the fat that makes you frustrated and ashamed -- that's out of the way and there's room for those memories. You might even find some happy memories that got lost in there, too! Let it happen, be angry, be offended, as painful as it is, grieve for the life you weren't allowed to experience. Let it come and then.....let it go!. You were strong enough and courageous enough to have this surgery (the beginning of learning to love yourself again) -- and you're strong enough to face your past and leave it where it belongs.

I am so proud that you had the strength to make this post! They say that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Well, we've been through hell and here we are on the other side -- It didn't kill us! We are SO strong!

Please take good care of yourself! Be good to yourself and know that you deserve all the happiness and peace you want or need. Pease let me know how you're doing.

You are in my thoughts, my new friend!

Mary
 
mary it's great to here your path of sucess and ability to maintain your weight after 10 years. I lost 120 and regained 50 now looking ar 40 lbs till I am back at my goal weight after2008. If you can give me any ideas I would love to hear from you. I believe that most overweight people do have an eating disorder and that this wls has provided us a new lease on life. I have a lot of childhood stuff that it took me years to let go of,one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time. I have no control over those things and I still stand in front of the mirror and say I am a warm,wonderful,worthwile person and nobody can take that from me....patti
 
Mary

CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU FOR YOUR GREAT ACCOMPLISHMENTS, STORIES LIKE YOURS ARE WHAT KEEP THE REST OF US MOTIVATED TO KEEP TRYING.
I THINK IT'S AMAZING HOW YOU'VE BECOME SUCH A STRONG PERSON IN MANY WAYS AND ALL FOR THE GOOD. I HOPE TO BE ABLE TO SHARE SUCH A GREAT OUTCOME 10 YEARS FROM NOW TOO.
KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK AND THANKS FOR TAKING TIME TO ENCOURAGE OTHERS.
DONNA
 
Hi Patti,

I think we are SO lucky to have had WLS available to us! For me, it certainly wasn't the ideal solution -- mostly in terms of how much time I now must spend in the "necessary room". However, it was my ONLY solution! I would imagine that most of us who were desperate enough to do the deed had run out of options -- it became a case of do or die. Even though it's impossible for me to regain the weight, I've had some big issues to deal with -- but that's a worthwhile trade-off for another 20-30 years of life.


The best advice I can give you (for your head) is to not look at the big picture -- and that 40-pound goal is definitely a big picture! Think of the "one day at a time" AA motto and make it "One Pound at a Time". You've already lost 10 of the 50 pounds you gained back -- that's fantastic! And you lost 120 when you first had the surgery! So -- having done it once, I know you can do it again! Maybe you'll have to think about why the 50 came back and make small but doable changes to that situation (if it still exists). When I feel really discouraged about anything at all, one thing I do for myself is to write affirmations (think "warm, wonderful, worthwhile person.....") on sticky notes and put them on my bathroom mirror -- so I see them first thing when I get up in the morning and it sets me up for the day. I also give myself non-food treats for "good behavior", like getting all my vacuuming done (with my bad back) or picking up dog poop in the yard as a favor to my husband (thank goodness I have toy poodles). My treats range from the mundane to the ridiculous (from a new air freshener scent to my favorite expensive lipstick). I also treat myself with experiences. For instance, the day I got on the scale and saw that I had lost 300 lbs, I got in my car, drove to my trusty old Lane Bryant store, put on about 3 layers of that expensive lipstick, walked up to the store and planted a big, red goodbye kiss on the glass door. I've never looked back!

Now this is a bit strange but, when I was recovering from my surgery (2 years of nasty complications and problems), there were times when I literally had nothing left but my sense of humor. I found myself making up awful jokes about weight loss (I will never make jokes about being overweight -- that shouldn't be funny to anyone). I tell people that 2 of the 3 thin people inside me are now gone, or that my bra size has gone from a 56-C to a 40-long. I hope I never lose that sense of humor -- I believe it actually helped me to stay alive -- kept my brain working when the rest of me was failing badly.

I just don't take myself too seriously -- and you shouldn't either! I know you'll take off those 2 pounds (20 times) and get back to your "magic weight". You said it yourself, Patti -- you are warm, wonderful, worthwhile and no one can take that away from you! Here's another (and most important) word to add to the list -- STRONG! After what we've all been through, how could we be anything BUT strong?

Hang in there, my fabulous, beautiful, inspirational friend! Take good care of yourself -- you are SO worth it! --Mary
 
Donna,

I appreciate your post! What's amazing to me is that we all belong to this club of strong, determined people (even though some of us haven't realized it yet) and we are all here for each other. A lot of my motivation comes from other peoples' stories -- it's that "If she/he can do it, then so can I" attitude.

When I was recovering from my surgery I had numerous complications which nearly ended my life a number of times over a 2-year period. I was cared for by my husband, home care aides and even the ladies from my church choir, who would bathe and feed me when my husband had to travel for his job. I always felt guilty and thought I'd never be able to repay all these angels for tending to me, until one of them said "I'm not doing this to be paid back. Just pay it forward however and whenever you can". I hope that I'm paying it forward here, even in a small way. I have some physical limitations from my surgery, but my brain and my heart are in good shape, so I'm using them here. When I first started talking about this I was a little embarassed -- I didn't wan't to appear as though I was bragging about my weight loss and "success story". I quickly realized that others like me needed to know that they are not alone -- so many of us are in this boat and we can all benefit in some way from the sharing of our experience.

Donna, I must take you to task for something I read in your profile. You took a giant leap of faith when you had your surgery. You survived it and you're on your way to health, strength and a longer, happier life. The moment you made the decision to do this for yourself you became a success and you no longer had any reason to be ashamed about ANYTHING! No one needs to know your weight, but the fact that you were overweight is nothing to be ashamed of! You didn't choose to be an overweight person, and whatever it was that made you gain the weight is not your fault. Like Patti (in another post in this thread) I firmly believe that morbidly obese people don't just "overeat because they can". I think we have all had to insulate ourselves from some untenable aspect of our lives and food became that insulation. Just by making the courageous decision to put yourself first (maybe for the first time in your life!), you are already a success!!!!!

You should change that profile statement to read "on the way down", or "shrinking". Take the word "ashamed" out of there! I'm SO proud of you for having the guts to come here -- and you should be proud, too! You are strong and brave and YOU inspire me to keep up the good work! -- Mary
 
Your wordshavemade my day. I know I can do it. I just want it now. well I didn't gain it all atonce so I know in my head it has to come off the same way. I have been struggling the up and downs all my life and I beleive comfort eating is so dangerous for me. I neer want to face all the co morbities I had by 2003. You are right I had literally reached the end of the line. surgery was the only thing left. I get scared sometimes amd play that old what if I gain more tape in my head. above all I hacve to be honest inside and out. Iti is a hard road right now. I am on medication that has the side effect of weight gain and it scaresthe devil out of me. I asked my dr was I going to have to be heavy and sane ore crazy and heavy. I am really trying to be positive. I have come to rely on friendships with other wls people to sustain me write soon.patti
 
Patti, Like you, I really wanted instant gratification from my surgery. One of the hardest things was to remember that if it took 50 years for me to hit bottom, it's going to take a little time to climb back up. I think any compulsive person is going to be like that -- and I can say for certain that we're nothing, if not compulsive!

I hope you really do find comfort in this forum! I know I do -- Even after 10 years I still feel lost a lot of the time -- there's no one in my life who truly "gets it", and I'll probably always need to talk about this -- simply because my eating disorder will always be with me. I'm lucky to have my husband, who has a history of obesity himself. He's so disciplined that when he was in college (about 40 years ago) he just decided he didn't want to be fat anymore, so he dieted off 140 pounds! He's splitting the difference right now, and he's at a reasonable weight, but he still has that "toe the line" attitude for himself. Lucky for me -- he saw past 260 pounds and got to know the real me, warts and all. He has been my rock and my cheerleader, but he still doesn't get it all. Must be a guy thing!

Thanks for keeping up this exchange. It's gratifying to know that others can benefit from my experience -- helps me to know that I did the right thing 10 years ago.

Try to remember that we are works in progress. It's not about achieving perfection -- it's just about plowing forward and doing the best we can!

Take care, Patti! -- Mary :eek:
 
Thanks Mary! You've summerized that quite well! It's so true. Every emotion and feeling that was buried so deep within ourselves begins to emerge and it takes time and patience to feel these emotions without shoving them down with food. Anger is a tough one. It's uncomfortable and hard to face at times, but as each experience and day passes by, you begin to realize it's okay....Kudos to your success!
 
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