First timer w/ husband problems

[Medic101]

My name is Jennifer ~

I had my surgery on April 13 of 2011. I have lost 118lbs through this process. My self esteem is through the roof! I recently returned from a tropical vaction where I actually wore a bikini! I am at a weight loss stand still but know that I need to get moving more and use the weight I have to push off additional weight. That is not my biggest problem though. My biggest problem is my husband. He keeps asking me when I am going to leave him and which boyfriend I was out with tonight. I am a paramedic student and close to the guys in my class so I study with them a lot. I also work full time and do my clinical hours every weekend. To say I am never home is an understatment. His attittude is really upsetting me and driving me back to my old comfort of food. I am back to drinking pop and sneeking sweets again. I dont want this. Does anyone have advise for him and I. He is not willing to go to counseling to talk this out. I hope I am able to keep going and reach my goal.

Sincerely,
Jenni

 

[TwoMas]

Welcome Jennifer. First off your are doing great and we all have those platues. I have been between 195-190 for about 2 months but I have increases my work outs and that can make it seem like a platue but it is more than likely additional muscle weight and fat loss. But stress can actually trigger the body to retain weight and with your work load that may be part of it. Now for the soda, please stop, switch to crystal light, the carbination in the soda is not good for our pouches, so please do your best to not drink soda.

I do not profess to be a marrage counselor but I am a man so I do know a little about us, we are not all the same but have some things in common. Yes we don't like counceling and most of us will only seek that after we have lost almost everything or have reached the end of our ropes, it has something to do with pride and the need to fix everything ourselves, so if you have a support group in your area see if he will go to one of those with you, then he will be doing it for you and he might meet some other guys in there who's wives have also had WLS.

Hopefully he remebers you are both going through this together and you have more than likely decided after much soul searching and endless dieting that if you were to be healthy and able to live a long healthy life together, that WLS was the only thing left to do. He has a whole new you now and he is not sure what to think of all of this, and if you are turning heads he probably is a little jealous, I know I felt a little jealous when my wife had turned other mens heads when we were walking through the stores, fortunatley that pride thing kicked in and I felt better. Best of luck and please stay away from the soda and candy. Tom

PS: sorry guys tried not to give away too many of our secrets.

 

[Pat99]

Jenni-Welcome to the forum and a big congrats on your 118 lb. weight loss!!! My RNY is scheduled for 2/27 and you are an inspiration to me. You are going to find that relationships are going to change due to your weight loss. Unfortunately, not all will be for the better. It's important for you to determine which relationships are "important" to you and to address these as issues arise. I would think that your relationship with your husband falls into this catagory and therefore needs to be adddressed. Based on the comments you made it sounds to me that he may have some self esteem issues. You should probably get professional counseling in order to preserve this relationship. I am not a psychologist and not qualified to advise on such matters but it seems apparent there is a problem here that needs professional help. Good luck to you and please come back to the forum to let us know how you are doing.

 

[Laura T]

Hi Jennifer
Wow....congrats on the weight loss and wearing a bikini.....wow. I am quite worried about the loose skin as I have always been heavy....but very very active. We shall see how it goes, as I only had surgery the 1st of this month. Now for your concern; It is important to communicate in a calm and non-defensive or judgmental environment. This does not mean counseling for everyone....as many people feel threatened that a therapist will judge them or triangulate and take sides with the other party ( take this coming from a therapist....children's, but I had a marriage and family class and experience as well . It is best if you are able to communicate how you feel and let him know that you are concerned because you want the relationship to work (if you really do). The new size you is new for him, but so is your schedule and social life with schooling. It is new and probably scary for him. Have you ever felt that you weren't good enough for someone because of weight or other issues? I know I have and it is not easy to get over. So.....is it fear (scared he will really lose you, or scared to show true feelings and emotions so he accuses) or suspicion...have there been any instances in which he has a reason to be thinking about it? not in any way saying that you have cheated....but think back if you were ever even a little insecure....sometimes studying late or at other places could seem suspect if he was already worried that you are attracting so much more attention. Also, it could potentially be that he felt confident in keeping you as you were and feels he will loose control of you (just have to throw that out there as many relationships involving controlling partners continue far too long and the one does not realize or want to acknowledge it.)
So, all in all, I would suggest confronting this issue with him. (have you suggested a male therapist if he prefers...sometimes this helps. Though many times, going to therapy is admitting there is a problem and like in addictions, acknowledgement is one of the hardest steps!!!) Discuss your thoughts and opinions. If he has trouble talking about feelings and gets a little tounge-tied like mine....see if he would be willing to write back and forth. My husband and I do this occasionally....we will leave a journal and leave it in a designated place and go about our day. The activities you use to communicate are not as important as communication and many couples and families get too caught up in needing to talk everything out verbally and in one huge session, which many times leads to frustration and unfinished business or resentment. As another member pointed out, try to get him to mingle with people in similar situations. Maybe invite the study group over to your house (depending on size and convinience) to assist in easing the potential threat in his mind and also make him feel more included. Also, if he is interested, keep him updated about your everyday life! Many women assume that men don't have the time or care about informal bantor or discussing activities and daily living, when in fact, many want to know and feel included in your life I hope that this helps....and I hope that things work out how you want them to!

Sincerely,
Laura T