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First timer w/ husband problems

M

Medic101

Member
My name is Jennifer ~

I had my surgery on April 13 of 2011. I have lost 118lbs through this process. My self esteem is through the roof! I recently returned from a tropical vaction where I actually wore a bikini! I am at a weight loss stand still but know that I need to get moving more and use the weight I have to push off additional weight. That is not my biggest problem though. My biggest problem is my husband. He keeps asking me when I am going to leave him and which boyfriend I was out with tonight. I am a paramedic student and close to the guys in my class so I study with them a lot. I also work full time and do my clinical hours every weekend. To say I am never home is an understatment. His attittude is really upsetting me and driving me back to my old comfort of food. I am back to drinking pop and sneeking sweets again. I dont want this. Does anyone have advise for him and I. He is not willing to go to counseling to talk this out. I hope I am able to keep going and reach my goal.

Sincerely,
Jenni
 
Welcome Jennifer. First off your are doing great and we all have those platues. I have been between 195-190 for about 2 months but I have increases my work outs and that can make it seem like a platue but it is more than likely additional muscle weight and fat loss. But stress can actually trigger the body to retain weight and with your work load that may be part of it. Now for the soda, please stop, switch to crystal light, the carbination in the soda is not good for our pouches, so please do your best to not drink soda.

I do not profess to be a marrage counselor but I am a man so I do know a little about us, we are not all the same but have some things in common. Yes we don't like counceling and most of us will only seek that after we have lost almost everything or have reached the end of our ropes, it has something to do with pride and the need to fix everything ourselves, so if you have a support group in your area see if he will go to one of those with you, then he will be doing it for you and he might meet some other guys in there who's wives have also had WLS.

Hopefully he remebers you are both going through this together and you have more than likely decided after much soul searching and endless dieting that if you were to be healthy and able to live a long healthy life together, that WLS was the only thing left to do. He has a whole new you now and he is not sure what to think of all of this, and if you are turning heads he probably is a little jealous, I know I felt a little jealous when my wife had turned other mens heads when we were walking through the stores, fortunatley that pride thing kicked in and I felt better. Best of luck and please stay away from the soda and candy. :cool: Tom

PS: sorry guys tried not to give away too many of our secrets.
 
Hi Jennifer my name is Heather my surgery is tommorrow and all week my husband has not been very supportive he knows someone who's wife had surgery and left him. So i have an idea my husband will be the same as yours. I even suggested renewing our vows(mostly so i could wear my dream dress) but i thought that would let him know i am not going anywhere, he refuses. I know he is scared and also thinks he will never go out for dinner at longhorn again haha. Maybe you could suggest the renewal of vows so he knows your committed. I don't think they realize they are pushing us away!
 
Tom-You sound like a great guy along with a sensitive side. That's a nice combination of attributes to have. Consider this a high compliment coming from someone who was married for almost 18 years (I've been a widow since 1996). The advice you gave to Jenni in regards to guys not wanting to go to counseling is so true. There was a point in my marriage when I felt my husband and I needed counseling as a couple and I wanted it to happen before things got out of control. He wouldn't go until I mentioned a separation (and I meant it) at which time he agreed to see someone on his own. Long story short, he started going to counseling on a weekly basis for a while, except there was a problem. I found out quite by accident that he wasn't going at all; he just told me he was going. Luckily things ended up working out between us. The point I am making is about guys not wanting to go for counseling. Is it really a pride thing or do men think it is a sign of "weakness". I have to say that it is a silly thing not to seek professional help when you have an issue and I think most women will agree with this. To all of you guys out there-we won't think less of you if you go for counseling, ask for directions when you get lost or shed a tear over something close to your heart.
 
Thanks Heather and best of luck with your surgery. I am very excited for you on this journey. I have suggested what you stated about the renewing of the vows. We actually just returned from a trip in Punta Cana and I suggested we do it down there and treat the adventure like a honeymoon (which we have never taken). On the trip he was distant and pointing out that I should not drink this or eat that. It feels at time like Im under judgement from him. I hope your husbands lends you the support you need on this journey. It is a fun one and one I wish I would have taken years ago. I hope your transformation is smooth and nothing but positive!
 
I think my girlfriend had a small fear of that, but I tell her how much I love her, and she shows support to me. Our relationship has gotten so much stronger. I just purchased the ring, and now I am going to propose to her.

The man is insecure, that is the easiest thing to tell. What he needs to do is work out his own problems with self-esteem and get on an exercise routine.
 
don't let anyone take free rent in your head. You have come to far to let his insecuritty dump on you. chances are leaving him is not an issue for you but be careful because a soft shouler with a close mal friend can be a leathal combination. I remember the days of paramedic classes and a husband that was as insecure. we tend to get our warm fuzzies when offered. walk away from your comfort foods and foacus on yourself and school and if you are at a point to offer him reassurance to do so. you are very young and he is very afraid of losing comfort in your being heavy....patti
 
Your husband fed his insecurities with YOUR insecurities in yourself for SO long, but now he doesn't have that. He sees that you have confidence, and that you could get a better guy if you wanted to. It doesn't help that you're around other men all the time. You have to take all of this into account and put yourself in his shoes. Not only is he dealing with the fact that his wife is no longer the same woman he married (in looks or confidence level), but you're NEVER there!
Let me give you two VERY important pieces of advice:
1) DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES GO TO ONE OF YOUR MALE FRIENDS/CLASSMATES FOR FRIENDSHIP OR ADVICE! This will ruin your marriage. Even if you never sleep with someone else, having a bond/relationship with another man that you DO NOT currently have with your husband is exactly the same. It's an extramarital affair of the emotional kind, and it is JUST as detrimental to your marriage as extramarital sex. This is probably what your husband thinks you are doing - and you might be. If you are texting anyone, stop. If you call and talk to anyone, stop. If you do ANYTHING besides STRICT school work, STOP. If you want to keep your marriage, you must stop any relationship that is unhealthy. Whether you are willing to admit it, you WILL begin to develop feelings for one of these men if your marriage is in strife, and you WILL end up doing something you shouldn't ... whether physically or emotionally.
2) SPEND TIME WITH YOUR HUSBAND! I cannot stress this enough. I know you are stretched for time, but you have to decide which is more important at this very moment: studying with the guys, or making time to save your marriage? A relationship CANNOT grow if you are never spending time working on it. Especially at a time like this when you have a new (hot) body and you are advancing towards a new career, you MUST make time for your husband. Tell him that you DO love him, and that you want to spend time together in a positive manner. Make a weekly date night. FORCE it into your schedule. Take that night to spend time together FACE TO FACE (a movie is NOT a date ... it's two people sitting in the dark who are NOT communicating, because they're being distracted by something else). You MUST express your feelings to your husband. Tell him that you understand that this has been a journey for him just as much as it has been for you, and that you're glad he was there to be part of it with you. Valdiate him and his feelings. Give him time to express his feelings too ... ask open ended questions of him and how he feels about you, about your body, about your study buddies. It might be that with everything going on, and you not taking time for him, that he feels neglected and pushed away.
It's going to take time to fix this, but you can. You just have to make sure you do NOT use an accusing tone with him or get angry if he tells you he feels like you're going to cheat. You have to understand and validate his feelings. Don't argue with him when he says that ... let him know you understand and are hearing him. When he's finished, make sure you let him know you love him and you are determined to make your relationship work.
The bottom line is that you MUST stay away from temptation with the study guys, and you MUST spend time with your husband where you can talk about things that are uncomfortable. You might have to coax the feelings and emotions out of him, but eventually he'll spill .... and I would bet that he's just feeling neglected and insecure.
Best wishes ... I've been through a situation JUST like this, and it's really hard, but this strategy works. Don't just TELL him you're committed ... SHOW him by making time for him.
 
Jenni, I know it's delayed, but I just posted a REALLY long response. I hope things are ok. I'm guessing you are probably close to my age. Feel free to e-mail me if you need help or a buddy! Good luck!
 
I have to give my opinion on something. I worked in a male dominated industry most of my life. There were occasions during this timeframe that I asked for advice from more than of my male co-workers. I maintained friendships in and outside of the workplace. I NEVER had any romantic feelings or notions towards any of my male friends. There was nothing but two way respect. NOTHING was ever repeated, no confidences betrayed by my male friends. I can't say the same about my female friends. My point is this; you will know who you can and can't trust at work and outside of work and it doesn't matter if that person is male or female. If you are the type of person who has a tendency to "cheat" on your significant other you will be the first to know it. Not everyone has these tendencies. The only problem I had were with a few people who would try to start trouble by assuming there was something going on and their viscious gossip. Of course, these few people were part of the same clique who would gossip about anyone who wasn't part of their clique.
 
Pat, you're right .... TYPICALLY, there's NOTHING wrong with platonic male/female friendships. However, in my experience and education, it is a VERY bad idea for a woman or man who is having trouble in their marriage to confide as much in a friend of the opposite sex. On the same token, until relationship issues are solved, it is best to stay away from those relationships which might cause more trouble in your marriage. If her husband thinks she's already trying to cheat on him with one of these men, then she goes to confide in one of them, it's likely that she will either head into a relationship, or her husband with THINK she is ... both of which would be damaging.
I'm NOT saying men and women can't be friends ... I'm saying that if you're having marriage troubles because your spouse thinks you are cheating, it's not wise to spend all your extra time with friends of the opposite sex.
 
Eleanor, your advice is right on the money! I was starting to compose a similar reply in my head when I kept reading and saw yours. I can't improve on it, so I am just going to say to Medic Jennifer - Read Eleanor's reply everyday.

I don't know how old you are or how long you have been married, but it seems to me you are quite young. Your husband was comfortable with the woman he was married to, and one of the reasons was that he was not threatened by other men finding you attractive. He didn't care if you were fat, which is great, but he also unconsciously thought other men didn't find you attractive. He is insecure, and if you want to stay married, it is going to be how you deal with this situation that determines the outcome. And just expecting him to deal with his insecurities as if they are his problems, not yours, is going to be fatal. The more attractive you become to him, the more he realizes that other guys are going to be attracted to you too. There is a backhanded complement in his attitude if you look for it. He is afraid of losing something he values - you. And you are the only one who can convince him that he is not losing you to anyone else.

You set out the problems in your relationship quite clearly. You are never there, so he is lonely. You are spending much of your time with other men, which feeds his insecurity, even if you never do anything that you can be reproached for. You need to decide to stop spending time with the other men. If there are no other women to study with, then study on your own. As much as you may like these classmates, is their friendship worth losing your marriage over? Even if you can not spend a lot of time with him until the studies are over, make sure he knows you are not hanging out with other men. I am a lawyer, so I know about long hours studying. You do have to put in the time, and there are no short cuts, especially in the medical careers. What you are learning is not just for passing the test. You have to know this stuff cold forever, because peoples' lives depend on how much you know.

Go back and read your own post. You should be able to see the solutions right in what you wrote.
 
Eleanor. we are the sexx that likes the compliments that make us feel special or beautiful...best of course if the compliments come from our spouses. another way ton look at this mess is just what if thew roles were reversed and your husband was getting all this attention form strange women. take care how you handle this because this is going to be a lifelong journey. I was in a similar position about 25 years ago when almost all of my co-workers and instructors in EMS were male. I had todrive 70 miles for my classes which weree in thevenings and beleive me he was awake when I got home and let me know clearly about his disatsfaction.. I did make it through all the classes and the war at home. I was so ubusy with working as an ER nurse raising two small boys I didn't really take the time to support how he felt and eventually that marriage was gone. sotry to see it from his perspective.feastorfamine..patti
 
twomas' TOM

I just wanted to say "thank you' for there aren't too many men whom are as honest as you, your answers were great and very truthful. you have a good "insight about life" and so much good advice about w/l surgery's etc. thank GOD there are still men out there that care about family , friends and being a friend. I hope you and your family have a great weekend and that you are "appreciated for being YOU, a friend to many.
Donna
 
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