Holidays are simply not a happy time for a huge part of the world population. The stack of "please give" letters stuffed in my mailbox don't help. One-year, I wrote "deceased" on them and put them in outgoing mail. Backfired big time. They came back stamped with notes asking for forwarding addresses.
Aside from a sense of personal failure, people I love seem to be suffering. And those I've supported when they were down seem oblivious to my need for love and companionship.
But worst of all is how stupid I am. I got an email from a famous author, a historic figure whose been friends with me for decades. She emails and snail-mails with me a few times a year. It's a genuine honor but for some reason, I don't appreciate it as much as I should. I haven't even written her back.
I used to love the end-of-the-year holidays. But then everything became so fake and loaded with conditions. I need to take my $200 7' gorgeous fake tree down to St. Vincents so some family can stand it up gloriously in their living room.
Anyway, I'm truly happy for you who will celebrate. I know youd be caroling outside my door if you could. But there comes a point for some where it's simply exhausting, not joyful, and hectic, not peaceful. Those are the times I used to sit in the dark and watch snow fall through the streetlight glow and feel peace on earth. Unfortunately, it rarely snows in Seattle anymore.
Okay, no more whining. Even if my life isn't joyful anymore because of age and poverty and depression, I can reach out to someone sleeping on the streets with a dollar or a meal in a lunch sack. I may have a decade left to live, so I need to fight to make those ten-ish years as loving as possible.
After all, ive had an extraordinary life.
