Sorry I have been MIA and I haven't been tracking either. Dealing with family stuff. My daughter is here on "watch" as per her therapist. She is doing better but still struggling.
Judy, there's an old book I read in the 1970s called "Children: The Challenge." I bought it back then in hopes of being able to make my kid behave and make healthy decisions.
But as with helping groups like Al-Anon, it wasn't about the problem person. It was about me...in tandem with a Psychology Today article about discipline. I remember one line: "When you're engaged in disciplining your child, you're chained to him."
After that I easily saw the trap of discipline. I saw that I needed to change myself. When possible, I walked away, because I can't control the universe, let alone a child throwing a tantrum. A little mantra came along with it, from a book called "Summerhill:" Ignore bad behavior; reward good behavior."
I know I sound like a fortune cookie, but I'm smart enough to know: I know nothing. And a kid is always going to win the fight, no matter what you do. A kids sole focus is his personal mission, goals, desires. He's not interested in making your life easier.
At 14, my son ran away from home. For the next six months, he was a missing person. As a single mom, I was completely controlled by thoughts of him. I lived in hell because I was tied to him.
I learned an important lesson from that nightmare. I dug deep into my former ideas of who I was, and I returned to me. My freaked-out self lived in a parallel world. A kid will drop a bomb on you just because he can. Shoring up the protective walls of your fort will both repel and diminish attacks.
Im babbling a little, but let me sum it up this way: if you listen to yourself and discover you're talking about someone else, you're not living.